Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

King Midas wasn't always happy with his special power. He lost many friends and a few pets. All his life he was racked with gilt.

I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night.

They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

Life Rule: Never live bigger than your paycheck.

Enjoy life today, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is never promised.

Life Tip: if someone comes out of a toilet sweating, do not go in that toilet.

I was asked in a interview, describe your life in a nutshell...
Well its very dark and cramped.

LIFE is like a chocolate box. Just get your own, and stay away from mine!

Dentist: open up
me: sometimes life gets lonely man.

If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.

Unless you work at a carnival, life will never be fair.

"Life is a balance between holding on and letting go."
- Rumi

“Life is too short to learn German”
― Oscar Wilde

I am that stage in life where 10 years younger is still old and 10 pounds lighter is still fat.

On the keyboard of life always keep one finger on the -escape- key.

Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more.
- Jeannette Walls

My life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually fearing that you'll make one.- Elbert Hubbard

My whole adult life people have told me I should write my jokes down. I now realise they meant instead of saying them out loud.

Husband: You know, you remind me of Christmas lights

Wife: Why, because I light up your life and bring you joy?

Husband: More like you are scattered all around the house and not working.

Young men live a life of easy come and easy go. For us older guys, it's a bit more difficult for both.

Life is like a road trip. Enjoy each day, and don't carry too much baggage.

In order to write about life first you must live it.

Ernest Hemingway

If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.

Psychology says private life always wins, keep it a secret till you win.

Last night, I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realised my entire life is a joke....

Life is just charging your phone over and over until you die.

"I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.”
Richard Bach

“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards”

~ Søren Kierkegaard

All we need in life is someone who thinks about us the way I think about mashed potatoes.

We all are at that point in life where we get more scared of losing earphones than people.

I believe that if life gives you lemons,you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

"The secret to living happily is to enjoy your present life and not get caught up in future issues"
-Albert Einstein

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”

- Marcus Aurelius

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Coffee….because life is a bitch.

Life insurance is something that helps keeps folks poor all their lives so they can die rich.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Life is like playing guitar. I’m not very good at playing guitar.

BE CAREFUL: The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant...

Gonna start saying “duck it” in real life so the autocorrect bugs me less.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

Life is about changing perspectives and priorities:
I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don’t care if they both are.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
- Albert Einstein

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

The thought of going back to life without mask worries me...
I've been mouthing "fuck you" to people for months and I'm not sure I can stop.

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

At first my life was depressing and miserable, but I have turned that around. Now it's miserable and depressing.

Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.