Random quote/joke about LIFE:
Long's Notes:
Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
Unveiling Truths, Nurturing Minds, Inspiring Wisdom.
- Updated:
2026-02-12.
Selected LIFE quotes/jokes:
All we need in life is someone who thinks about us the way I think about mashed potatoes.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
I've done stupid things in my life before, I even once got married.
More LIFE quotes/jokes...
The difference between a Zoo and a Museum is a matter of life and death.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
" Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash."
By Leonard Cohen
I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
“To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer for every question.”
—Edward Abbey
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change.
And spiders. Be scared of them too.
Would have started saving money in kindergarten if I knew my life was like this.
While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"
“If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man.”
— James Dean
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson...
“The supreme happiness of life consists in the conviction that one is loved.”
– Victor Hugo
Life is like chess.
You can never find a mate.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.
Friend requested we get together and share some cocktails.
I replied “No, I prefer to keep my sex life private ”.
Growing tomatoes is really the best way to devote 3 months of your life only to save $2.17.
This man went to see his doctor.
Doc-So what seems to be the problem?
Guy-wha,wha,wha, well I h-h-h-have this st, st, st stuttering problem? C-c-c-can you find out wha, wha, wha, why?
After a thorough examination the doctor tells the patient that his penis is so large that it is pulling down on his vocal chords. The doctor assures the patient that he can fix the stuttering if he removes 7 inches of his penis.
The patient agrees to the surgery.
Several months later at the patients first follow up appointment.
Guy- Thanks for fixing my stuttering doctor but now my life is way worse. I am having big problems, all the women I was sleeping with before no longer have any interest in me. I need you to sew back on those 7 inches of my penis.
Doc- H-h-h hell no!
After my vacuum cleaner broke I realized it was the only thing in my life that doesn’t suck.
Why do people say “Happy Birthday?”. The person just LOST another year of their life ... is that really a celebration?
" Fiction is like a spider's web, attached ever so lightly perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners."
~ Virginia Woolf
‘The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.’
- Isaac Asimov
Little girl: "Grandma you’ve had four husbands in your long life , what did they all work as?"
Grandma: "The first was a banker , the second a circus acrobat, the third was a tailor and your grandad is an undertaker".
Little girl: "Wow different jobs!"
Grandma: "Yes it’s one for the money, two for the show , three to get ready and four to go".
My life has never gone according to plan. So I just stopped planning.
My bag for life died this morning. Should I be worried?
A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.
Why was the archeologist so depressed ?
Because his whole life was in ruins.
My ex asked me how my life was.
Nothing but my passwords have changed.
Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and all want touch you. That's a life of a dog.
"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"
I never knew what that meant until I saw two midgets fighting.
"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather
“The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.”
-- Lord Byron
"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. - life is short."
• Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
Being ugly is basically playing life on hard mode.
If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
"Our memory is a more perfect world than the universe: it gives back life to those who no longer exist."
— Guy de Maupassant
“Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the roads and accommodations.”
– Oliver Goldsmith
The secret to a long life is just not dying to soon.
I use Linux... because Life is too short for reboots.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
King Midas wasn't always happy with his special power. He lost many friends and a few pets. All his life he was racked with gilt.
Q: What do protons and life coaches have in common?
A: They know how to stay positive.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Life is never fair. And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. ~Oscar Wilde
Dont say your life is a joke because jokes got meaning.
Life Pro Tip:
Don't ever put ducks in a cement mixer…
You'll get quacks in the pavement!
Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
Difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons, and then gives you a test. Life gives you a test, and you learn the lessons.