Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
Ron White

Life is like chess.
You can never find a mate.

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.’’
— Mark Twain

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson...

“The supreme happiness of life consists in the conviction that one is loved.”
– Victor Hugo

Life is like chess.
You can never find a mate.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.

Friend requested we get together and share some cocktails.
I replied “No, I prefer to keep my sex life private ”.

Growing tomatoes is really the best way to devote 3 months of your life only to save $2.17.

This man went to see his doctor.
Doc-So what seems to be the problem?
Guy-wha,wha,wha, well I h-h-h-have this st, st, st stuttering problem? C-c-c-can you find out wha, wha, wha, why?
After a thorough examination the doctor tells the patient that his penis is so large that it is pulling down on his vocal chords. The doctor assures the patient that he can fix the stuttering if he removes 7 inches of his penis.
The patient agrees to the surgery.
Several months later at the patients first follow up appointment.
Guy- Thanks for fixing my stuttering doctor but now my life is way worse. I am having big problems, all the women I was sleeping with before no longer have any interest in me. I need you to sew back on those 7 inches of my penis.
Doc- H-h-h hell no!

After my vacuum cleaner broke I realized it was the only thing in my life that doesn’t suck.

Why do people say “Happy Birthday?”. The person just LOST another year of their life ... is that really a celebration?

" Fiction is like a spider's web, attached ever so lightly perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners."
~ Virginia Woolf

‘The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.’
- Isaac Asimov

Little girl: "Grandma you’ve had four husbands in your long life , what did they all work as?"
Grandma: "The first was a banker , the second a circus acrobat, the third was a tailor and your grandad is an undertaker".
Little girl: "Wow different jobs!"
Grandma: "Yes it’s one for the money, two for the show , three to get ready and four to go".

My life has never gone according to plan. So I just stopped planning.

My bag for life died this morning. Should I be worried?

A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.

Why was the archeologist so depressed ?
Because his whole life was in ruins.

My ex asked me how my life was.
Nothing but my passwords have changed.

Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and all want touch you. That's a life of a dog.

"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"
I never knew what that meant until I saw two midgets fighting.

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

“The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.”
-- Lord Byron

"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. - life is short."

• Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Being ugly is basically playing life on hard mode.

If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

"Our memory is a more perfect world than the universe: it gives back life to those who no longer exist."
— Guy de Maupassant

“Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the roads and accommodations.”

– Oliver Goldsmith

The secret to a long life is just not dying to soon.

I use Linux... because Life is too short for reboots.

Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

King Midas wasn't always happy with his special power. He lost many friends and a few pets. All his life he was racked with gilt.

Q: What do protons and life coaches have in common?
A: They know how to stay positive.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

Life is never fair. And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. ~Oscar Wilde

Dont say your life is a joke because jokes got meaning.

Life Pro Tip:
Don't ever put ducks in a cement mixer…

You'll get quacks in the pavement!

Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

Difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons, and then gives you a test. Life gives you a test, and you learn the lessons.

“Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often a torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.”
—Carl Jung

A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.

I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.

Why did he come home looking depressed after the doctor said he needed to take a pill everyday for the rest of his life ?
The Doctor only gave him 4 !

Why was the circle depressed?
She thought its life was pointless.

Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly dissapointing.

It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system.
I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.
As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professional. A real tiger. She had practiced several forms of law, including divorces. She knew all there was to know about the legal side of a marriage, and had offered to make sure both of them were protected.

One was an entrepreneur. She had started as a teen working in a bakery and eventually had opened her own, successful string of bakeries. She was creative, and sweet. She was in touch with her softer side, and he knew that her creativity would bring him out of his shell.

The last was a woman of relatively ordinary means. She was pretty, but shy. She worked in an office and enjoyed her sometimes mundane work. Her goal in life was to be a perfect wife and mother. She longed to help her future husband achieve his full potential as a human being, and then to raise children that would be strong and independent thinkers. He was 100% convinced of her loyalty.

He thought long and hard about his choices, he considered every aspect of each woman's strengths. After days of deliberation, he finally made his choice....

He picked the one with the biggest tits.

Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.