Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

Miss Piggy is the beneficiary of Kermit's life insurance policy. She just has to wait until he croaks.

"I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.”
Richard Bach

Gonna start saying “duck it” in real life so the autocorrect bugs me less.

Ars longa, vita brevis.

Art is long, life is short.

Buy your son a 300 piece tool kit for his 15th birthday.
Steal the 10mm socket.
He needs to learn that the struggle is real.
Follow me for more life lessons.

Sometimes when I have my life together, I sit back and think to myself "Now, that was a great 45 seconds."

I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.

RULE TO REMEMBER FOR LIFE 👉 When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain!

An old couple returning from florida cross the border.
The customs agent ask the man "did you buy anything while in the US. the man answers no.
the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?".
the man tells his wife "the agent wants to know if we bought anything".
the customs agent asks the man where he is from.
the man answers "toronto"
. the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we were from
. the agent says to the man " i was in toronto once, i had the worst sex ever in my life in toronto."
the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."

All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle.
I just never had the balls to do it.

''The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.''

~ Marcus Aurelius

Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

"Life is but a continual succession of opportunities for surviving."
-- Gabriel García Márquez

I was sitting quietly in my armchair contemplating life last night. I shouts to the missus "when I die I'm going to leave everything to you love". She shouted back "you already do ya lazy bastard"

For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

No matter how boring life gets, never get married.

Don't forget to get offended today by some sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

The State of California is reducing management "bloat" by merging departments...

The Highway Patrol and the Department of Fish & Wildlife will soon merge to become the Department of Fish & CHiPs.

Life tip:

No matter how much you liked the soap - NEVER get caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving.
It's all about perspective.

When life gets you down, just remember:
It’s never too early or too late for a nap.

The irony of life is that by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.

“You'll be fine" the surgeon said after examining my mate Dave’s wife Julie.
"But" Julie asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon paused, his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
All of a sudden Julie became alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?” she said
“Yes, you'll be fine” he replied “It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Boyfriend: "Life's a bitch, just like you."
Girlfriend: "Actually life is short, just like your dick."

I spent my whole life being proud of my heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 => but so do rheumatism, fallen arches, faulty eyesight, and the annoying tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times...

That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our life as fate.
- Carl Jung

Life is the art of dying.

There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them: PUSH and PULL.

My band has a new acoustic album called 'Life Support Machine' - unplugged.

There's a lot of things people didn't appreciate about school till much later in life - like being caned by a middle-aged woman.

“The literal meaning of life is whatever you're doing that prevents you from killing yourself.”
― Albert Camus

I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, they have to deal with 40% more spider webs than the average person.

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
George Bernard Shaw

The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.
Bertrand Russell

Life is like a game of poker, guys start by going with them clubs, ladies follow with a set of hearts, guys put down the diamonds, and before you know it you got a full house.

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, the get busted.

It's not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It's just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.

Finding a life partner is like putting down linoleum: lay it right the first time and you can walk all over it the rest of your life.

Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance, you must keep moving

I’m writing my life story from the viewpoint of all the cars I’ve owned. It’s going to be an auto biography.

People say I’m having a midlife crisis but I can’t hear them over the sound of my new motorbike.

I was raised by a pack of wild hyenas, life was tough and food was scarce but boy did we laugh.

The difference between a Zoo and a Museum is a matter of life and death.

My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

" Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash."

By Leonard Cohen

I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.

“To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer for every question.”
—Edward Abbey

Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change.
And spiders. Be scared of them too.

Would have started saving money in kindergarten if I knew my life was like this.

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"

“If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man.”

— James Dean

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson...