Keep yourself safe and entertained with our security jokes!

9-to-5 is a prison.

And the illusions of security are the walls holding you in.

Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security.

I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting

He said this is his home security camera.

When I visit London, sometimes I sleep at the airport to save money; but when the security guard comes at night Heathrows me out.

My friend and I tried to sneak into the dinosaur exhibit for free, but the security guards saur us.

Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security.

Me: I put the “man” in “mannequin.”

Target Manager: I’m calling security.

Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.

Me on security.

"There's a member of staff dancing naked in the canteen."

Control Room, "Copy that."

Me, "I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer."

WalMart is giving away free school clothes to anyone that can outrun security.

I have started a part time job, selling security systems door to door.
It is going well, if they are not home, I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

What do you call a mall security guard with a military background?
A Navy Wet Seal.

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?
Ass crack.

I just started a new job as a security guard in a kids playground.
Wife just warned me that my career is on the slide.

She was so clueless that she called a plumber when she heard about a security leak!

I left hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my mother-in-law who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to wrestle my wife, two doctors, a nurse and a security guy.

What does Trump's security tell him when he is attacked?
Donald, Duck.

A very well dressed (tailored suit, silk tie, bespoke shoes etc) elegant older customer ordered the very best on the menu resulting in a very large tab.
At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.
He said to the server, “I don’t know if you remember, but many years ago I was a bit down on my luck, but I had a meal here and when it came to pay, I couldn’t, and you publicly humiliated me by getting security to march me through the restaurant and throw me out on the street.”
The server blushed and apologised most profusely.
The customer replied, “Don’t worry old man. I’m just so sorry I’m going to have to ask you to do it again…”

Penguin walks into an airport, security stops him and says:
"Penguins can't fly."

Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. What's your credit card number?
2. What's your social security number?
3. What's the name of your dog?

I got stopped by the security guard at Curry's today.

He said.. Before I search you.. have you got anything sharp in your pockets..

I said no, only Sony and Panasonic. 😆

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

i don't like people who take drugs
for example: airport security.

Work vs Jail
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.