Hilarious jokes about library that will make your day !

Prison libraries have their prose
and cons.

I've just got a new job as a Barbarian.

It's just like being a librarian, but I also cut hair.

Mark Zuckerberg went to the Library to ask if they have a book on Faces.

I went to the library today to find a new book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat, that went on a road trip together. The librarian said "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it is there or not?"

I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on amplifiers.

She said, “Yes, what volume would you like?”

My wife and I have started role playing in the bedroom, her favourite is 'Sexy librarian' where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

The Hall of Records is said to be an ancient library buried somewhere in Egypt, and many believe it could be located under the enigmatic Sphinx of Giza.

Dwarf enters the library
"One book on discrimination of dwarves, please." - says the dwarf.
"Third row..." - replies the librarian - "top shelf."

Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? Because it was all booked up.

A German walks into a library and ask for a book on war. The librarian says Fuck off you lost the last two.

I asked the library guy for a book about tongue twisters in Deutsch, he gave me dictionary.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise.
The librarian says, Sure, what Volume would you like?

Martin's Law of Committees: All committee reports conclude that "it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure, or organization, or whatever) at this time." Martin's Exclusion: Committee reports dealing with wages, salaries, fringe benefits, facilities, computers, employee parking, libraries, coffee breaks, secretarial support, etc., always call for dramatic expenditure increases.

I told the librarian I was looking for information on various types of grease and lubricants.
She suggested I try nonfriction.

I wanted to get married at the library but it was all booked up.

Me: I’ve found my dream home! How much?
Him: Ma’am, this is a public library.

A guy came up to me in the library & asked “ do you have a bookmark “ I said “ yes hundreds, but my name is Ed “

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound.

I asked the librarian if she could direct me to the self-help section.

She said she could... but that would defeat the purpose...

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas. They are due back at the library next Friday. Thank you.

I went to the librarian’s birthday party today.
I wished her many happy returns. 📚

A woman walks into a library and asks for a book about curiosity. The librarian says "why do you want that"?

I'd like to give a whisper out to librarians everywhere.

I asked the librarian where the books on engine lubricants were.

She told me they were in the non-friction section.

I've been patiently waiting to get a book on how to commit suicide from the library but the last guy still hasn't brought it back.

"The very existence of libraries affords the best evidence that we may yet have hope for the future of man. "
- T.S. Eliot

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"

I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises
With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - "Have you seen the book about small penises?"
she replied "It isn't in yet"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!"

Someone broke into the school library and stole all the book shelves, the police say its a textbook case.

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years… the local libraries weren’t too happy about it.

I went to the library today to find a new book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat, that went on a road trip together. The librarian said "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it is there or not?"

I couldn’t get a reservation at the local library.
Know why?
…wait for it…
They were fully booked!

Got a book from the library on Stockholm Syndrome. Didn't like it at first, but by the end I thought it was great.

I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.

I tried to make a reservation at the library, but couldn’t. Turns out, they’re completely booked!

My mate Dave went to our local library yesterday.
“Hello I wonder if you can help me” said Dave to the librarian “I’d like to borrow a book about the discovery of Electromagnetic induction.”
“Faraday?” replied the librarian
“No” said Dave “I'm a slow reader, two weeks would be better.”

A new tennis player goes to the library and asks for books about aces. "No way", says the librarian, "you won't return them".

"The very existence of libraries affords the best evidence that we may yet have hope for the future of man."
~T.S. Eliot

What building in New York has the most stories?
The Public Library.

The library book that was left outside overnight is now over dew.

I went into the Library and said "I'm looking for a book on how to let customers down politely."
The librarian said, "I'm terribly sorry sir but I can't help you with that."
I said 'Yes, that's the one."

Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said “Sshhhhhh!” I asked “is that all lower case?”

I asked the librarian if they had any books on fire.

He said, "We've just put them out."

So I asked the Librarian: "Do you have Great Expectations?"
She said: "I did but ended up working in a library".

"If you have a garden and a library,
you have everything you need."
~ Cicero

I’m looking for a book on how to fix automatic gearboxes, but the library only has manuals.

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".

Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn't get my 'overdue' joke.

A man walks into a library and asks for a bottle of milk. The librarian says “this is a library!”. The man whispers “sorry, a bottle of milk, please”.

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years.

The local library wasn’t too happy about it.

Prison libraries have their prose
and cons.

Mark Zuckerberg went to the Library to ask if they have a book on Faces.

Just a quick reminder, anyone that's recived a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library by the 21st.