Trading Stocks Jokes: The Market Meets Hilarity!

"Good investors don’t sell investment advice."

"The four most dangerous words in investing are: 'this time it's different."

Sir John Templeton

Good investors don’t sell investment advice.

"If you don't find a way to make money while you sleep you will work until you die."

— Warren Buffett

"The stock market is a device for transferring money from the impatient to the patient."

— Warren Buffett

Its not recommended to invest in submarines right now. That business is going under.

Strippers are really bad investors. You know why….they tend to lose their shirts.

Misheard my financial adviser and put all my money into socks and chairs.

The reason why it is called a bear in the stock market is because we can't bear to lose all that money.

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have some company.

My cat is so happy that I invested in stocks on his behalf. And believe me, the feline is mutual!

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'

Don’t wait to get into the stock market.
Get into the stock market and wait.

Thought about selling laxative stocks because apparently there’s a lot of movement.

When my Dad was unemployed he used to hide money in the bushes in our garden...

He went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.

People who have Only Fans should just invest in air conditioning.

I was lonely, so I bought some shares... It's nice to have a bit of company...

Had a hard talk with my financial planner yesterday. He explained that he was the broker and I was the brokee.

Misheard my financial adviser and put all my money into socks and chairs.

I tried investing in the Spa business but it kept getting me into hot water!

Just traded 100 raisins for 50 plums I cannot believe today's currant exchange rate!

I’m investing in vegetable, beef and chicken stock with the hope of becoming a bouilonaire.

A guy told me to buy shares in a company that makes alcohol from apples. He's been done for in-cider trading...

What do centipede's invest in?

The ftse100.

I started investing in stocks.
Nothing too crazy- beef chicken and vegetable.
One day I'll be a bullionaire.

Mr. Martingale and Miss Scalper go out on a date.
Mr. Martingale is thinking "just one more drink and I will have her in the sack".
Miss Scalper is thinking "next time he leave the tip I am out here"

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

Stockbroker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%.

Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before.

Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.