HR Office Jokes: Where we turn absurdity into art.

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.

I nailed it.

Interviewer: "How do you explain this 4 year gap on your CV?”.Me: "That’s when I went to Yale."
Interviewer: "That’s impressive!!!! You are hired."
Me: " Thanks a lot, Sir! I really need this Yob......"

My careers officer said you'll never get a job staring out the window all day.
What did he know, I've been a lorry driver for nearly forty years.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

“No. I always give 110%”.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The boss snuck out early,
so I left too.

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

💓 _*Joke of the day !*_

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position. He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss : "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two ?"

First Girl : "One is hairy, the other isn't."
Boss : "OK... good !"

Second Girl : "One can talk but the other can't."
Boss : "That's better !"

Third Girl : "One is vertical & the other is horizontal."
Boss : "Hmm.. clever !"

Last Girl : "One is for me & the other is for my Boss."
Boss : "You are hired... !"

Bullets are wierd.
They only work when they are fired.

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was really raking it in.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.

INTERVIEWER to job applicant: “Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?”

"How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!"

My boss is very easygoing. He told me not to think of him as the boss, rather, think of him as a friend who is never wrong.”

I told my female colleague that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Boss to employees: ‘We will continue to have these meetings every single day until I work out why no work is being done’!

A young man starts work at a large corporation and on his first day comes upon a ladder going upwards with a sign "The Ladder too Success". He takes his first step and, fights and claws his way up until he sees a sign, "You are almost there. Only a few more rungs to success." The now old man, finally gets to the top where he is greeted by a big fat greasy looking troll with his schlong hanging out, "Hi. My name is Cess !

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

Rubbed salt all over my body before my job interview.

Needed my potential employers to know I’m a seasoned professional.

At a job interview: “Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
“And I don’t give a rat’s ass about your stupid opinion!”

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.

Business is like a wheelbarrow - it stands still unless somebody pushes it.

The toilet paper rolled into the employment center two-ply for a job. They asked him to hang along the wall, and then rotate to the front of the line when his number is called.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Years ago I retired. I got tired of retirement so I went back to work. Then I reretired. Now I'm retired of retirement.

Bullets only do their job after they’re fired.

A coworker named Celsius recently quit, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes...
None of them work.

I was a surgeon. I was doing a circumcision but slipped with the scalpel and got the sack.

I am an engineer. My job is nuts.

I wanted to be a Manicurist but I couldn’t nail it.

Electrician... it is my current job. That’s shocking, yea, better stay grounded.

I became an electrical engineer because of my potential.

Tried gold mining and that didn’t pan out
Figured I’d give banking a shot but lost interest
Thought I had a job ice fishing and that fell through
So I took a crash course in safety test driving... it pays to be a dummy.

I'm an engineer and I use white boards all the time. They are re-markable!

I’m an electrician, it’s a shocking job!

Job interview:
Can you perform under pressure?
No, but I can do an excellent Bohemian Rhapsody!

Boss: I pay you just enough so you don't quit.
Me: I work just enough so you don't fire me.

When I was in the office today I could hear music coming from the printer. Turns out it was the paper jamming

There's been so much more office romance at work since I became self employed.

I thought there would be more training when I became a garbageman, but you really just pick it up as you go.

Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins..

Manager: Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?
Me: I bring a lot to the table. 👨‍💼

One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra €50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits!

My first day on the job at the bank today and I was fired. All because a Lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

Apparently, 200 jobs are to be lost at kodak..

More on this as it develops 🤓

I’m thinking about getting a side job cleaning mirrors. It’s something that I can see myself doing.

Got a new job at the Guillotine Factory...
I'll beheading there shortly 💀

I wanted to join Space Force, but ended up in the Air Force.
Recruiter told 'sky was the limit.' 🚀

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.