HR Office Jokes: Where we turn absurdity into art.

A long term employee at a chemicals factory has been charged with embezzlement.
When asked for comment the factory owner said he didn’t know how to react.

I've just read that taking your bike to work everyday is good for the environment, so I thought, oh well, why not?
It's not like I'm using the roof rack for anything else!

Today is National stay at home with your dog and drink day!
Its not official.
I made it up,
Tell the others.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

We have a guy in the office who we call "007".
0 work, 0 initiative, 7 bathroom breaks.

"For this position, we need someone who is good with spreadsheets."
"Well sir, I Excel at spreadsheets."
"Did you just make a Microsoft office pun?"
"Word."

I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.

It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.

New co-worker: Nice to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

I am fired from my job from the bullet manufacturing company for not hitting targets.

I went to the doctor and asked him "have you got anything for wind?"
He gave me a kite.

My friend said she'd got a job in a bowling alley.
I said: "Tenpin?"
She said: "No, it's permanent".

My job as a vacuum cleaner salesman sucks....but it’s picking up!

I regret to say I was fired from the herb company. They said I wasted too much thyme.

BREAKING: A large sewing machine company have gone into administration, leaving thousands of jobs hanging by a thread!

What did the Michelin man do when he got too old to work?
He retired!

All those who claim to be an expert in what they do need to understand that an ex is someone that is past and gone and a spert is a drip under pressure.

I told my boss he should pay me what I'm worth.
He said he couldn't due to the minimum wage laws.

I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."
I said, "That's correct."
He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"
I said, "No..........”

I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.

Had a fine job at the sandpaper factory but rubbed them the wrong way and was fired of coarse.

I’ve just been informed that my application to be a quicksand rescue officer was successful

It hasn’t quite sunk in yet ..

The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I am called James Bond at work.
0 skills.
0 work ethic.
7 coffeebreaks.

I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.

Ever since my brother got a job as a stilt walker he's become really condescending...
Always talking down to me.

I've just had a bloke knock on my door asking me to sign the organ donor register.
I thought, now there's a man after my own heart!

Got a job working for a Lumber Company. After they cut the trees down for the main logs, I have to go in and gather up all the smaller pieces of the tree that broke off when it fell... I'm the Branch Manager!

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge.

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.

I applied for a food tester position. I'm hungry to prove myself.

I was asked in an interview, "describe yourself in a nutshell"

Me: "well it's very dark and cramped"

Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.

My boss calls me "the computer" Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The boss snuck out early, so I left too.

Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.

At a job interview:

"What are your strengths?"

"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes, when do I start?"

I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.

Job Interviewer: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us?

Me: I need money.

Wanna job as a concrete guy? Here, fill out this FORM.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren't going to get eaten by bears on their own.
You have to make that happen.
You have to want it.

Did you hear about the construction worker who had to quit because he wasn't strong enough to do the job?

He had to give his boss a too weak notice.

My boss calls me "the computer".
Well, Nothing to do with intelligence here, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

Went for a job interview on a building site mixing sand, gravel and cement...
I think I got the job but nothing's concrete yet.

I was a knife sharpener but i couldn't deal with the daily grind.

You are paid by how hard you are to replace. Not by how hard you work.

Went for a job interview at a blacksmiths.
He said: "You ever shoed a horse before?"
I said: "No, but I told a donkey to get lost once."

The automobile tire installer finally retired.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

A cook got fired for not cutting the vegetables a certain way.
Sorry, no dice.

We will continue having meetings until we find out why no work is getting done.

Just got a new job as a church bell ringer.

It's my first day so they're just showing me the ropes. ☺️

I've just been fired from my job as a human cannonball.

Pretty sure I got a new job at a masonry company, but it’s not set in stone yet so I’m not taking it for granite.

The automobile tire installer finally retired.

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

I just interviewed a guy who used to work at Chernobyl.
He came with a Glowing reference.

Quit the job at the wheel factory. Kept going around and around.

Just been promoted at the fruit and veg company I work for. I’m now Head of Broccoli.

I've just quit my job extracting water from subterranean lakes and springs.
It was well boring.

Wanted.
Assistant to fill Hourglasses with sand, No time wasters.

I was going to apply for a job as a postman but it turns out I forgot to post the application.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

Just been for a job interview..
Interviewer asked me if I could perform under pressure...

I said... yes of course I can.. and I also do an excellent version of Bohemian Rhapsody too..

How to fire someone politely:
“Good news. You’ve been promoted to customer”.

I quit my job at the concrete plant.

My job was getting harder & harder.

I was interviewed by the police yesterday, like on the telly , I just answered “no comment “ to every question . I’m starting to think that might be the reason I didn’t get the job.

I packed in my job at the helium balloon factory...I’m not going to be talked to like that..

My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

My boss say I didn't meet the working requirements at the gun factory.

So I was fired.

When I started my job at the ladder company, I wanted to get right to the top, one step at a time.