Hilarious jokes about BOSSes that will make your day !

I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks of vacation during Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May.

Me: I’m sorry. May I get two weeks off during Christmas?

Me: Sir, my doctor has advised me to stay in bed.
Boss: How long?
Me: Just a normal sized bed..

The gay crime boss surprised everyone by announcing he was going straight.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.

A hockey player lost his job at the bank. His boss caught him cross-checking.

I asked my boss "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"
He replied, "Just pop it in the corner".
4 hours it took me!

I had a boss who was bald. He told me, “The Lord made millions and millions of heads and those he didn’t like he covered up.”

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!" 😐

I asked my boss where he wanted this big roll of bubble wrap, he said just pop it in the corner, took me 4 bloody hours…

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

Me: “I can’t come in to work. I have a wee cough.”
Boss: “You have a wee cough!?”
Me: “Thanks! See you next week!”

boss: you’re fired

me: just because I ended that story with “and they all lived happily ever after”?!

boss: like I told you before, they’re not stories, they’re wills

My boss said he was sick of my silly Country puns..
I promised him I'd stop because I don't want it to damage my Korea.

My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture, I've got a hunch it might be me.

My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.

She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."

Boss: "Why are you late?"

Me: "I got totally drunk last night and set my calculator for £6.30...."

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.

If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.

Shapiro walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!"

I've been off work all week
Because my pet cow is sick,
My boss thinks I'm milking it.

My boss just fired me for making too many jokes about Asian countries. I guess that's the end of my Korea.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

I told my boss he should pay me what I'm worth.
He said he couldn't due to the minimum wage laws.

Me: "Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down".
Boss: "What about the bus?"
Me: "I don’t have a bus".

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.

My boss calls me "the computer" Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The boss snuck out early, so I left too.

My boss has just appointed me as his sexual adviser...
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it!"

I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Did you hear about the construction worker who had to quit because he wasn't strong enough to do the job?

He had to give his boss a too weak notice.

My boss calls me "the computer".
Well, Nothing to do with intelligence here, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

My boss said to date the cans of food. I tried to but they only like me as a friend.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

“Is it ok if I finish off a few days early this Christmas?”
I asked my boss.

“No it isn’t” he shouted. “Put your Santa beard back on and get inside the grotto, there’s a line of kids waiting to see you.”

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks of vacation during Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May.

Me: I’m sorry. May I get two weeks off during Christmas?

My boss say I didn't meet the working requirements at the gun factory.

So I was fired.

When I quit my job as a Human Cannonball, the circus boss said 'You can't quit.Where am I gonna find another man of your calibre?'

In a previous job, my boss said to me,

“You’re the worst train driver I’ve ever seen. How many trains have you derailed in the last year!?”

I said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track”.

I asked my boss,
"Can we talk? I have a problem."
She said,
"Problem? There is no such thing.
We call it an opportunity".
So I said,
"Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

shepherd: i love my job
🐑: all you do is boss me around
shepherd: what did you say ?
🐑: you herd me

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The boss snuck out early,
so I left too.

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
*Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
*Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
*Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
*Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
*Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
*Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
*Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
*Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

A bossy man goes into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.

Told my boss I wouldn't be coming into work as I had been told to take it easy.
He asked, "Who told you that, your doctor?"

"No," I said, "The Eagles".

Me: Boss, I can't come in tomorrow cause I have "Anal Blindness".
Boss: WTF is this? Me: It's when I can't see my ass coming to work!

💓 _*Joke of the day !*_

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position. He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss : "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two ?"

First Girl : "One is hairy, the other isn't."
Boss : "OK... good !"

Second Girl : "One can talk but the other can't."
Boss : "That's better !"

Third Girl : "One is vertical & the other is horizontal."
Boss : "Hmm.. clever !"

Last Girl : "One is for me & the other is for my Boss."
Boss : "You are hired... !"