Hilarious Jokes about food, cooking, snacks, drinks and diet !

SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.

Liver and onions is a perfect example of how onions doesn't make everything better...

My favorite health drink is a
Neil Diamond smoothie.
It has 3 ingredients, swede, carrots, lime.

CHOCOLATE doesn't ask stupid questions, chocolate just understands...

A doughnut is just a bagel that fucks.

I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend..
He said, I like it well done.
I said, Thanks, that means a lot.

The pottery scene from Ghost but it’s just us making guacamole.

Good bacon can change your life, and all bacon is good bacon.

I'm experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Hot chocolate is just regular chocolate that works out.

Honey is the tastiest insect vomit I have tasted so far.

Which fruit is a vampire's favorite?
Neck-tarine!

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet!

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...

Onion rings.

What kind of dessert goes best with the theme of Friday the 13th? I scream.

"Doctor doctor I have
pizza growing
on my leg!"
"You've got
Peppero-knee"

Got attacked by a bacon tree the other day. Turned out to be a hambush.

The best pumpkin pie I’ve ever had was apple pie.

I used to eat doughnuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.

All we need in life is someone who thinks about us the way I think about mashed potatoes.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Water is just soup with a lack of ambition.

I have had oysters once and, you know what?...that is the exact reason why I haven't had oysters twice.

I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts!

"I was in a play called breakfast in bed once". "Did you have a big role?" "No, just toast with a bit of butter".

HER: “How do you like my scratch biscuits?”
ME: “They’re great, I’m already itching for dessert…”

Two croissants in an oven, one says, "It's hot in here". The other says, "Wow, a talking croissant..."

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but there is never a bad time for a cheeseburger.

Me: "I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning."
My co-worker: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate 4 of them."

I hate when I’m trying to eat a salad and it accidentally falls in the trash and then I have to eat pizza instead.

Raw eggs are good for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add flour, sugar, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

Went to the grocery store today. Had to pay for food and then prepare and cook it myself.
Zero stars. Would not recommend.

Being an adult means eating one slice of pizza and pretending you don't want six more.

A dessert dreamed of flying. It was pie in the sky.

Lollipops is just swallowing your own flavored saliva.

I was tempted to try chocolate covered crickets, but I was afraid of getting a stomach bug.

If we get rid of all the margarine, the world will be a butter place.

Mushrooms. The breakfast of champignons.

You can't say "filet mignon" without sounding snobby.

I remain very skeptical and suspicious of organic foods.
I keep hearing about people dying from natural cause.

IF HUMAN BEANS LET ME DOWN
I'LL RICE UP AND SHOW THEM HOW STRONG I YAM.

Whenever I feel sad, I drink apple juice. It makes me appy.

Went to the dressing room. Couldnt find the mayonaise.

Salt is just angry sugar.

Just switched from eating venison to pheasant.
Absolute game changer.

The lack of gingerbreadwomen
is due to pastryarchy.

Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get doughnuts.

I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.

When I say "there is nothing to eat" I mean there is nothing I like.

Please remember that for every Rich Tea biscuit, there are thousands of Tea biscuits living in abject poverty....