Boost Your Productivity with Business Jokes.

A friend's business "Cooking with Spices" has not been successful. His bank have called in the bay leafs.

I used to sell furniture for a living. I was doing well... until it finished. Because it was my own!

I’ve started a pioneering business.
I sell pie and earrings . . .

I'm not sure if selling products to other countries is a good idea.
I need an export opinion.

An vegetable growing friend’s business has gone into liquidation. They make smoothies.

A friend has gone into business fixing car ignitions. It’s a start up.

Did you hear about the constipated financial planner, he couldn't budge it.

I started my own garbage business, i'm now filthy rich.

I hear the wine industry is just crushing the grape industry!

Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also It's biggest import.

The bathing suit company started making underwire bikinis until it started to affect the bottom line.

There once was a company that was doomed because nobody in the company had any foresight into the future. It was a non-prophet organization.

I've started a deer cloning business to make a quick couple of bucks.

Company mergers expected in 2021:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

I’ve started a lawn cleanup business.
I’m really raking in the cash.

I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a licence to Krill.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn...

Opening a new shadow puppet theatre.
Business plan says we’ll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.

A friend of mine used to shave lions and sell the fur.
It was his mane income.

I used to sell cookware but that didn't pan out. So I sold underwear for a brief time.

If you want to start a music company, you’d better have a sound business plan.

A local bank is introducing a cash machine built in to a tree. If it’s successful, they might expand to other branches.

- My friend has gone into the sandwich business selling Cheese & Ham.
- On a roll?
- Absolutely, business is booming!

I am trying to start a business, recycling chewing gum, but I am having trouble getting it off the ground.

Since I set up my business selling religious figurine fireworks, my prophets have been rocketing.

I'm planning on starting a jewellery business, if you want to help give me a ring.

I asked the garbage man, how’s business? He said it stinks, but it’s picking up.

Opening a new shadow puppet theatre.
Business plan says we’ll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.

Had to give up on my plan to set up a business making work surfaces for kitchens. It was counterproductive.

We had an important problem to deal with, so we formed a committee.
Now we have two problems.

Water company going through a liquidity crisis.

I'm thinking of going into the balloon business. Costs may be inflated, but I hear there's lots of expansion potential.

A Project Manager is someone who THINKS nine women can have a baby in ONE month...

My hamburger business
got started from
the ground up.

Holy shit!
Famous donut shop closes after operating for more than 50 years. The owner commented, "I just got tired of the hole thing..."

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What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

My bonsai tree business is doing so well I can now afford to move into smaller premises!

Insurance companies are warning campers that if you get your tent stolen during the night you won t be covered.

Just started my own vacuum cleaner business,
things are picking up nicely.

If you get a loan at a bank you pay it for 30 years. If you rob a bank, you’re out in 10 years.
Follow me for more financial advices...

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work... Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
Tax man says"Poultry Farmer it is then."

I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children,” and I said, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

I travel around the country giving seminars on the beneficial features of dried grapes.
I’m in the business of raisin awareness.

I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.

My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some very good points.

- I’ve started a business making boats in my attic.
- Sails are going through the roof.

- What sort of money do need if you want to start your own landscaping business?
- A hedge fund.

I tried to start a hot air ballooning business but it never took off.

- What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
- Start off with a big fortune.

I’m always delighted when people stick their noses in my business – my company makes paper tissues.

Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

This guy is walking with his friend.
He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”
The friend replies “How so?”
“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office.
As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter…
“And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair”.

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

A business organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels in the business, some climbing up others down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but management assholes.

A new small business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.

The business owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.

“Sir, I m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.

“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.

“I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2.

The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”