HR Office Jokes: Where we turn absurdity into art.

Going to work is so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money.

Boss: So, tell me about your work goals for the future.

Me: To be honest I’m just happy I’ve made it to Friday without quitting.

Interviewer: would you call yourself a hard worker?
Me: absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

This whole "having a job" thing is really interfering with my living my best life.

Someone has your dream job and seriously hates working everyday.

Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".

Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".

At some point you will find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all your time. That person is your manager at work.

In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...

Well my doctor always calls me patient.

HR: On your resume it says you went to Yale.
Me: Yes, for my sister’s graduation.

"Everybody wants to hire the best. Nobody wants to pay them the best."

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

"No. I always give 110%.”

The biggest lesson work has taught me:
Efficient employees get punished with more work.

Just fired myself from cleaning my house.

I don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.

Interviewer: Your resume says you’re forgetful.
Interviewee: It does?

Co-Workers: You’re so antisocial!
Me: I’m selectively social, there is a difference.

Always remember that you are someone's weird coworker.

Interviewer: So what did you like most about your old job?

Me: Mostly lunch breaks.

At this point lunch and leaving are the only two good things about my job.

Me at work: I’ll figure it out eventually...

Just let me panic and be dramatic first

You can be whatever you want, so be the person who ends meetings early.

My CV is basically a list of things I never want to do again.

I never delete work emails just incase people start acting up...

"I'm sorry Susan, that's not what you were saying on January 2nd 2019 at 10:48am".

A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

While I might not be any good at my job I comfort myself with the fact that everybody else is even worse.

I try to be a good person but then I get to work with people testing my patience and I gotta try again tomorrow.

So apparently "I'm not feeling very worky" isn't a good enough excuse to take the day off.

The plan for a paperless office looked good.....
..on paper.

Sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I know when I wake up it's gonna be time to go to work.

I don't know why my work thinks that 'short staffed' means we're just going to work harder...

Management need to realize that I can either attend meetings, or I can get my work done. I can't do both.

My favorite part of my job is assuming I'm fired every time one of my passwords doesn't work.

If jobs can ask for 3 references, then applicants should get to ask to speak to 3 happy employees.

There is nothing better than having a coworker who can reply to your sarcasm with more sarcasm instead of getting offended.

9am : Anything is possible.
2pm: But not today.

"Why are you so mean to people at work?"

Me: This is actually me being nice.

Just landed my dream job as a puppeteer.

Had to pull a few strings to get it though.

I work in a paper factory where my responsibilities are twofold.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they really good at their job and make my life easier at work? Also no.

They call it gross pay because it's disgusting to see what you could have made...

“Sorry I have to be in work early tomorrow”Is the adult equivalent of “my mom said no”.

I've got 99 problems and basically all of them could be solved by a salary increase.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I'm doing my job.

I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job

Every squad has that one person who has to go home early..

Told a co-worker she swallowed too many kids That's why everything out her mouth sounded childish
I meet with HR 9am tomorrow.

If you're inclined to take urinate while you're in the shower be sure to add “multitasking” to your resume.

Would you rather sit on a dick and eat cake or sit on a cake and eat dick?

Interviewer: We meant questions about the job.

Me: this show is boring.

Boss: Again, this is a zoom conference.

They told me I have to do sexual harassment training at work.
Which is ridiculous, I’m already very good at it.

How can you tell a mortician is a necrophiliac?

He's always HARD at work.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job".

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...
Don't tell them about the orgy.

A magician wanted a new change of career. So he decided to go from magic tricks to... wait for it - elec-tricks

I was offered a job at a nursing home...

But I turned it down. I was afraid my breasts couldn't handle it.

I was totally blown away when I found out about my job promotion at the Bomb Factory.

The railroad is hiring!
They’ll TRAIN!

I just got a job at a fruit pie factory,man, this is one peachy job.

When I became manager, I set the bar real high. Now my employees have to reach extra hard to get the booze.

I just got a job at an ice cream factory,the people here are really cool.

You know, I could never be a vampire, because I don't like working the night shift.

There’s a guy in our secret meetings who never leaves his seat and always wants to talk about root issues and branching out.
I think he might be a plant.

I just got a job at a turnip farm,I hope everything turns up ok.

I just got a job at a cartoon factory,it can get a little looney here.

I'm full of nerves about my job interview so my brother suggested i put cement powder in my coffee before i go to sleep. It doesnt work, its now the morning of my interview and i'm shitting bricks.

I applied for the position of a keeper at the zoo but turns out I was not koalafied.

At my office we go way above just having standards.
We have double standards.

I just got a job at an arrow making factory, this job seems right on target.

I just got a job at a furniture making factory,I thought I wood like working here.

Despite removing all the stains, I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

So I went to the Navy recruitment office.
The fella said: "Can you swim?"

I said: "Why, don’t you have any ships?"

My boss told me that I’m “going to have to find someone else to work for.” I asked him not to quit. Good bosses are hard to find.

My friend said."I just couldn't work after what my boss said. I asked what he said? She replied,"He said I'm fired."

For the tenth year in a row, I have been voted "Most Secretive Person in the Office".

I cannot tell you how much this award means to me.

I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.

I was fired from my job at the tea factory. They said I was taking too many leaves.

Sorry I'm late, traffic is exactly how it's been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

The problem with retirement is...

You never get a day off.

Hear about the hen that lost her job? She was laid off.

If you see me talking to myself in the street, Just move along.
I'm self employed
We are having a Staff Meeting.