Random sports joke:
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."
Selected sports jokes:
How could you tell that the ambidextrous baseball player was bisexual?
Cuz he swings both ways.
I got fired as a yoga instructor.
I bent over backwards for those people.
Why isn’t suntanning a competitive sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
I've made a website for depressed tennis players...
Servers are currently down!
More sports jokes...
I haven't tried yoga... but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.
Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?
My idea of leg day is when my legs are spread in the air
I tried bobsleighing for the first time last year. I killed 5 Bobs.
If I'm ever found dead on a jogging trail, Just know I was killed somewhere else and dragged there.
When jogging, we put on special clothes so people don't think we are running from or to something.
What kind of underwear do long distance runners wear? Marathongs...
Golf is the only sport around, where the object is to play less of it.
So I have never seen a person Smiling & Jogging...
That's about all I need to know about that.....
How could you tell that the ambidextrous baseball player was bisexual?
Cuz he swings both ways.
There’s a curling competition just a stone’s throw from my house.
Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There's no need for that racket.
Wrestling is so stupid...
Men with no pants, fighting for a belt.
Technically the overall goal of golf...
is to play less golf...
No matter what anyone says, a mattress should be part of your exercise equipment...
I'm running in a Scandinavian race next week. Really short one. It starts at the Finnish line.
Most people don't know this but the Australian figure skaters spin in the opposite direction.
I’ve just injected steroids into my arm. Anabolic? No, just my arm.
Q: What do they say to start the meditation Olympics?
A: Ready…..Steady……Stop!
Although training for marathons is very, VERY grueling, it DEFINITELY pays off in the..long run.
Volleyball is just professional hot potato.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting!
Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster.
Have u ever wondered why India don't participate in world cup? Because Fifa can't accept 10min singing & dancing after every goal.
I have to admit that I've been hiding from exercise.!
Yes,I'm in the fitness protection programme.
My local football team have lost more matches than me trying to light a candle in the dark.
Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn't work out.
I can't tell you how much I hate going to the gym when I can't find a parking place close to the door...
Did you hear about the athletic almond?
Total fitness nut.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Why did the bodybuilder cross the road?
He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.
Due to a sudden shortage of instructors, yoga students are being asked to be much more flexible.
I like going to the gym
But everything there is really heavy.
At the gym, I decided to hop on the treadmill.
People gave me weird looks so I started jogging instead..
I was sent off during the cricket match for throwing roll-on deodorant at the batsmen. Apparently, you’re not meant to bowl under-arm.
What country is filled with body builders?
Liftuania.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym I easily decided I'm never going again.
Volleyball is just professional hot potato.
A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark…
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model.
They hired me as the “before” picture.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
I do two hours of cardio every day...
But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting.
It’s not my strong suit.
I go to the gym religiously.
About twice a year around the holidays.
I'm not allowed to do yoga on the plane, even though i have my pilates license.
I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
What do you do for exercise?
I lift weights.
What do you do for cardio?
I lift weights faster.
Q: Why did the exercise expert go to the beach?
A: To get some mussels!.
Winter sports fans need to accept it; Skiing is going downhill.
DID YOU KNOW that exercise can add years to your life?! OH YES! For example, I've just ran 2 miles and now I feel like I’m 82...
Why can’t Cinderella play soccer? She always runs away from the ball.
Why should you never go for a jog if it is raining cats and dogs outside?
You might step in a poodle!
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Two body builders were argueing which exercise was best for them.
They asked their coach to weigh in on the issue.
I had a golf lesson the other day, the instructor said “ you need to cut about 6 inches off of the clubs” I said “will that improve my swing ?” He replied “No ! The clubs will then fit in the bin”.
Volleyball is just professional hot potato.
Gymnastics = A more intense version of the floor is lava.
What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
I used to play sports.
Then realized you can buy trophies.
Now I'm good at everything.
Why can’t you take golfers seriously?
They’re always playing a round.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that's all I need to know about that.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio.
Golf, except there's no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
Q: Why is tennis such a loud sport?
A: The players raise a racquet.
Q: What is a ghosts favorite position in soccer?
A: Ghoul keeper.
Why did the basketball player go to jail?
Because he shot the ball.
I watched hockey before it was cool.
It was swimming. I watched swimming.