Religion, theism and atheism jokes that will make your day !

I just read an article about the Shroud of Turin.

My first thought was Holy Sheet!

Why do we sing to God?
To respect Hymn.

How do you know when a Christian is angry?
They are cross with you.

My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning...

At a confessional the repentant said, " I steal paint and thin it so it barely covers the wood."
The Priest replied:
"You are forgiven. Go and thin no more."

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

What do you call sexual intercourse between a priest and a nun?
Holy fuck.

I was at the Vatican Gift shop, and I notice they had their own line of perfume! It’s called Heaven Scent!

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.
I gave them away.
I hate religious nuts.

Man: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Man: What is a million pounds(£££) like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Man: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.

Why people leave things in Jesus hands, knowing he got holes in them. Is beyond me.

When a person says they will pray for you, they are basically saying they will do nothing for you.

The reason why I use Android is cause Adam and Eve had an Apple... and fucked everything up.

The minister raised his hands in prayer, and said, “Oh Lord, we are but dust.”

A child’s voice piped up from the congregation, “Mommy, what’s butt dust?”

Why do we sing to God?
To respect Hymn.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church? Let us spray.

I went to a pastor and asked him to pray for my “hearing.”
The pastor put his hands on my ears and prayed.
“How’s that” asked the pastor?
“I don’t know” I said.
“The “hearing” isn’t until next
Tuesday.”

The bible says you can't buy your way into heaven but there isn't a church in the country that won't encourage you to try.

If you sneeze near an atheist do they say "science appreciates you"?

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”
“Sir, do you mean a choir?”
“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...
Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes.

Is it OK to kiss a nun?

Yes, but don't get into the habit.

Me: Why are you kicking me out of church???
Pastor: Because, for the LAST TIME, ‘drink beer and fuck’ is NOT one of the commandments!!

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.

What did Jesus say to his apostles on the cross before he died ?

Don't touch my fucking easter eggs il be back on Sunday.

How does the Pope pay for things on eBay? He uses his Papal account.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism, and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

I have the heart of a saint. Also a lifetime ban from the Vatican.

Building a Cheese Factory in Israel
Gonna call it
Cheeses of Nazareth.

God: whoa no no no stop. i clearly said make your son a 'sack of rice'
Abraham: oh ok phew...well this is embarrassing
God:
Abraham:
God: hey what are you writing

What is the favourite magazine among priests?
Prayboy.

Priest to begger: I think you beg because you are just too lazy to find a job.
Beggar: I beg to differ.

Jesus: And now to turn this wine back into water! No, but seriously, where’s the restroom?

I met a woman at the mall crying, she had lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found.
When God blesses you, you must bless others.

I chose to get my fake news the old fashion way, from the Bible.

I fell in love with two priests, unfortunately I got double crossed.

Standing before his congregation, the pastor told them, “I wear the same clothes every week because I am a preacher of habit”

I was invited to join an off-beat religious sect, but I was concerned that changing my mind about it later could be a bit diffi-cult.

My plan to explore the seven deadly sins starting with sloth fell apart when I couldn't be bothered.

Sign outside a church:
Singers wanted. Inchoir within.

I had to go to two confessions last sunday, i feel like i've been double crossed.

So Jesus walks in to a bar and orders 12 waters then turns and winks at his disciples.

They told me to play Jesus but my hair was black so I had to dye for their scenes.

Jesus wasn't lying when he said he'll come again, he was standing.

Church sermons are mass produced.

When I was christened, the vicar wore a false beard and dark glasses.....

It was a blessing in disguise.

I just read an article about the Shroud of Turin.

My first thought was Holy Sheet!

Best way to get out of a habit is to become an undercover monk.

Mike Tyson is so religious he punches people right in the faith.

How do you know when a Christian is angry?
They are cross with you.

I had a mind blowing threesome last night.
The restaurant calls
it a sampler, but whatever.

What is the BEST WAY TO GET TO PARADISE? You have to "Turn right and go straight.".

As it turns out, the 10 Commandments are not meant to be multiple choice !

Dear God,
All I ask for in 2022 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body…
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Amen.