100+ Religion, theism and atheism jokes that will make your day !

Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads.

Ninty year old man goes to confession. "Father, I just had sex with three 18 year old triplets from Sweden". Father says "That's not exactly a sin- why are you telling me?" Man says "I'm telling everybody!"

As it turns out, the 10 Commandments are not meant to be multiple choice !

Priest to begger: I think you beg because you are just too lazy to find a job.
Beggar: I beg to differ.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

What do you call sexual intercourse between a priest and a nun?
Holy fuck.

I was at the Vatican Gift shop, and I notice they had their own line of perfume! It’s called Heaven Scent!

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.
I gave them away.
I hate religious nuts.

Man: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Man: What is a million pounds(£££) like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Man: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.

Why people leave things in Jesus hands, knowing he got holes in them. Is beyond me.

When a person says they will pray for you, they are basically saying they will do nothing for you.

The reason why I use Android is cause Adam and Eve had an Apple... and fucked everything up.

The minister raised his hands in prayer, and said, “Oh Lord, we are but dust.”

A child’s voice piped up from the congregation, “Mommy, what’s butt dust?”

Why do we sing to God?
To respect Hymn.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church? Let us spray.

I went to a pastor and asked him to pray for my “hearing.”
The pastor put his hands on my ears and prayed.
“How’s that” asked the pastor?
“I don’t know” I said.
“The “hearing” isn’t until next
Tuesday.”

The bible says you can't buy your way into heaven but there isn't a church in the country that won't encourage you to try.

If you sneeze near an atheist do they say "science appreciates you"?

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”
“Sir, do you mean a choir?”
“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...
Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes.

Is it OK to kiss a nun?

Yes, but don't get into the habit.

Me: Why are you kicking me out of church???
Pastor: Because, for the LAST TIME, ‘drink beer and fuck’ is NOT one of the commandments!!

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.

What did Jesus say to his apostles on the cross before he died ?

Don't touch my fucking easter eggs il be back on Sunday.

How does the Pope pay for things on eBay? He uses his Papal account.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism, and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

I have the heart of a saint. Also a lifetime ban from the Vatican.

Building a Cheese Factory in Israel
Gonna call it
Cheeses of Nazareth.

God: whoa no no no stop. i clearly said make your son a 'sack of rice'
Abraham: oh ok phew...well this is embarrassing
God:
Abraham:
God: hey what are you writing

What is the favourite magazine among priests?
Prayboy.

Priest to begger: I think you beg because you are just too lazy to find a job.
Beggar: I beg to differ.

Jesus: And now to turn this wine back into water! No, but seriously, where’s the restroom?

I met a woman at the mall crying, she had lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found.
When God blesses you, you must bless others.

I chose to get my fake news the old fashion way, from the Bible.

I fell in love with two priests, unfortunately I got double crossed.

Standing before his congregation, the pastor told them, “I wear the same clothes every week because I am a preacher of habit”

I was invited to join an off-beat religious sect, but I was concerned that changing my mind about it later could be a bit diffi-cult.

My plan to explore the seven deadly sins starting with sloth fell apart when I couldn't be bothered.

Sign outside a church:
Singers wanted. Inchoir within.

I had to go to two confessions last sunday, i feel like i've been double crossed.

So Jesus walks in to a bar and orders 12 waters then turns and winks at his disciples.

They told me to play Jesus but my hair was black so I had to dye for their scenes.

Jesus wasn't lying when he said he'll come again, he was standing.

Church sermons are mass produced.

When I was christened, the vicar wore a false beard and dark glasses.....

It was a blessing in disguise.

I just read an article about the Shroud of Turin.

My first thought was Holy Sheet!

Best way to get out of a habit is to become an undercover monk.

Mike Tyson is so religious he punches people right in the faith.

How do you know when a Christian is angry?
They are cross with you.

I had a mind blowing threesome last night.
The restaurant calls
it a sampler, but whatever.

What is the BEST WAY TO GET TO PARADISE? You have to "Turn right and go straight.".

As it turns out, the 10 Commandments are not meant to be multiple choice !

Dear God,
All I ask for in 2022 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body…
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Amen.

What type of gum does Jesus chew?
Holy Spearmint.

What religion are doctors?
Orthodocs.

What do you call a nun sitting on a washing machine? Sistermatic.

My body is not a temple, it is a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread and guilt.

My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning...

Jesus walks into a hotel

Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”

What religion are doctors?
Orthodocs.

What did the preacher say when his roses started to wilt?
Let us spray.

Who is the fastest runner of all time?

Adam, because he came first in the human race!

"Dog food lid" spelled backwards is "Dildo of God".
That is all.

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replies, “In a second.”

Our church has a volunteer choir for the Summer whose members are not in the regular choir. They are called the “Summer Singers” because summer singers and some aren’t.

When do Buddists practice?
Every now and Zen😁

I wanted to become a monk but never got the chants.

When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought -

"I bet this will look fucking great on a necklace one day."

What do you get when you cross a preacher and a cow?
"Pastor"ized milk!

A nurse walks into a toy shop and asks for a box of red crayons. The shop assistant says "Sorry, we don't sell boxes of crayons with just one colour in them, only assorted colours. Why would you want a box of just red crayons anyway?"
The nurse replies "Because some days I have to draw a lot of blood."

How does the Pope pay for things on eBay? He uses his Papal account.

Why are priests called 'Father'

Because it would be too suspicious calling them "Daddy".

Saw a priest in a mask who threw some holy water at me. A bit odd I know, but I think it's a blessing in disguise.

I'm addicted to dressing like a nun. I'd quit doing it but it's a hard habit to break...