Vampire Jokes: Fangs for the laughs!

How do you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin.

Why are vampires very bad product managers? Because they refuse to meet with stake holders.

You know, I could never be a vampire, because I don't like working the night shift.

Q:What did the vampire say to the school girl?
A: See you next period.

What do you call a Viking who’s been bitten by a vampire?

Norseferatu.

I used to live next door to a vampire. Man was he a pain in the neck.

I’ve just taken a DNA test and it shows that I’m 20 percent Vampire!!
I’m so ashamed I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

Which fruit is a vampire's favorite?
Neck-tarine!

Why can’t vampires bite snowmen?
They’ll get frostbite.

A vampire split up with his girlfriend after she had a blood test. She wasn't his type.

Vampires are just human-sized mosquitos.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we’d never know because telescopes use mirrors.

What restaurants are vampires terrified to eat at?

Stake Houses.

To kill a French vampire you must drive a baguette through its heart...
It may sound easy,
but it's *pain'staking*.

Two vampires got married, but they were always at each other's throats.

Did you hear about the vampire that caught a cold?

He just couldn't stop coffin!

A met a vampire bat who has an online dating site. Love at first byte.

Can vampires drink a priest's blood?

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.

You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

What is an Optimistic Vampires favorite drink?
B Positive!

I stabbed a vampire, beat some zombies to death and killed the devil himself...

My wife rushed into the room and shouted, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES."

What happened to the two vampires who went on their first date? It was love at first bite!

Q: What do you get if you cross a hipster with a vampire?
A: Count swagula.

- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- Frostbite.

Vampire dad "You ok?"

Vampire son "yeah why?"

Vampire dad "last night I heard coffin" 🤣🤣🤣

I don't know if you know this but vampires are not real, unless you Count Dracula.

Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you?

They would just suck.

Q:What do lesbian vampires say to each other?
A:See you in a month.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A human drinking vampire blood.
Vampires asks "what does it taste like"
Human answers "like irony".

A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin didn't!"