Explore the hilarious side of faith at Religion Jokes!

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines.
One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households.
The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines...
The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending.
The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose.
Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."
Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

It's okay to kiss a nun, but don't get into the habit.

Jezus entering the restaurant for the last supper: table for 24 please?

Waiter: but you are only 12?

Jezus: yeah, but we are all gonna sit on the same side.....

Why can't skeletons play church music?

Because they don't have any organs.

Jesus may not have been raised in a wealthy home, but He was born in a stable environment.

What’s the difference between yogurt and your church?
The yogurt has an active culture.

Don’t spell
“dog food lid”
backwards

Catholic services are being disrupted by people playing medieval stringed instruments.
Police are describing it as Mass luting.

A few days after creation, the Lord called Adam and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'
Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?'
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her over to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, 'Thank you Lord, that was quite enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.'
And Adam asked, 'What is caress?'
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and then Adam went behind the bush to caress Eve.
Quite a few minutes later Adam returned smiling and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.'
And Adam asked, 'What is to make love Lord?'
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush.
But this time he reappeared in a few seconds and asked, 'Lord, what is a headache?'

Satan just bought a sports car. He's hell on wheels.

Just finished the exorcism course at the Vatican...my head is spinning.

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?”
Satan says, "Why, things are going great.
We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven.
Send him up here immediately!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I'll sue you!”
“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Met a dyslexic atheist today. He doesn't believe in dog.

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.
I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.
It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly afwul behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."

The boys did what they were told and went to the San Lorenzo fuori Muri on Piazza San Lorenzo. After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they also knew where the man worked.

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Q: What does a nun and a gremlin have in common?
A: They're both not allowed to get wet!

Ninty year old man goes to confession. "Father, I just had sex with three 18 year old triplets from Sweden". Father says "That's not exactly a sin- why are you telling me?" Man says "I'm telling everybody!"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
“Are you the friar?” he asked.
The brother replied “no,
I’m the chip monk”.

Two nuns are late for church and decide to ride their bikes to get there on time

One nun says, follow me, I know a short cut through the park

They arrive on time and just before entering the church, the other nun says, you know, I've never come that way before...

The first nun replies, yeah, it must the cobble stones.

A Bus full of Nuns falls off a Cliff and they all Die.
They arrive at the Gates of Heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them, "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the “Pearly Gates”, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a Single-File Line"..??
And they do so. St. Peter turns to the First Nun in the line and asks her ,"Sister, have you ever Touched a Penis"..???
The Sister Responds, "Well, there was this One Time that I kinda, sorta Touched One with the Tip of my Pinky Finger".
St. Peter says, "Alright Sister, now Dip the Tip of your Pinky Finger in the Holy Water, and you may be Admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the Second Nun and says "Sister, have you ever Touched a Penis"..??? "Well, There was this one time that I Held One for a moment"..
"Alright Sister, now just Wash your Hands in the Holy Water, and you may be Admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a Noise, a Loud Jostling Noise, from the Back of the Line.
It seems that One Nun is trying to cut in front of another...!
St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun..
"Sister Susan, what is this..???? There is No Rush"..
Sister Susan responds "Well, maybe not for you, but if I'm going to have to Gargle this Stuff",
*
"I'd rather do it, before Sister Mary has to Stick her Ass in it".

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

How do you make holy water??
You boil the hell out of it😎

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright"

Had a refreshing hot beverage in the morning. I thank the almighty for all my tea.

The dyslexic agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.

A priest booking into a hotel says " I hope that the porn channel on TV is disabled " " No, it`s normal porn you sick bastard ! "

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the ark hives.

Of all kitchen utensils, why did Judas choose to be tray?

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck.

When God told Adam he was gonna make another human using a piece of his body, Adam said, 'You're just ribbing me, right?

A buglar was in a dark room when he heard a voice say :
- Jesus is watching you.
He shone his torch round and saw a parrot who said
jesus is watching you.
- what your name ? asked the buglar.
- Moses, came the reply.
- What kind of owner calls a parrot Moses ?
- The same ones who called the Rottweiler Jesus.

A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him:
''Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.''
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
They say, ''Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?''
''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
"You know,'' he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.''
''Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.''
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying...
Impressed, She walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot & says...
'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !!!

There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”
The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attetion, the man says, “Sure, ok.”
So he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God” and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
“Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”
Finally he remembers, “Amen!!”
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God.”

In pre-Islamic days, female rabbits lived in a hare•m.

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck

After church today, I walked into a liquor store. Apparently I was moved by the spirit.

I broke up with my ex for religious reasons.
I’m a Christian, and she is satan.

Jesus said to John, Come forth,
I'll give you eternal life,
But John came fifth, and won a toaster .

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Pe! ter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like I am going to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!

A former atheist is a no less suspicious creature than a pregnant virgin.

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great,However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the monsignor. It read: 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T� 5. The recommended grace before meals is not " rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The boys". 7. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him." 8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as"Big Daddy, Junior and, The Spook". 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry". 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest as St. Peters.There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy�s. 11. Jesus was Consecrated, NOT constipated. 12. Jesus said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body, "he did not say, "Eat me." 13. Jacob wagered his donkey, he didn�t "beat his ass." David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn�t "stoned off his ass.

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what how will you provide a home for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father asks a question, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God

Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads.

Did Cain kill his brother because he was Abel to? 😏

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."