HR Office Jokes: Where we turn absurdity into art.

I just completed anger management training.
It really works.
Management is really pissed at me now!

I got sacked from my film set design job, I just left without making a scene.

Me: Sir, my doctor has advised me to stay in bed.
Boss: How long?
Me: Just a normal sized bed..

Quit my job at the lumber yard. Just got board.

How do you know if the yoga clinic is hiring new people to work with them?
They will have many open positions to fill in.

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

Boss: I need you here on time and ready to work.
Me: Pick one bro...

The Window Cleaner was trying to get promotion by working their way up the Ladder.

Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years? "

Me: "Listening, I'd say listening is my biggest weakness. "

Interviewer: It says here you're fluent in Spanish?
Me: Oui Oui.
Interviewer: That's French actually.
Me: I better add that to my resume as well.

I used to work for a submarine company, but it went under.

If you feel unsure after deciding to work for another coal factory other than the one you're at, remember...

It's ok to change your mine.

If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

I really think my office should get a suggestion box. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, but I’m not sure what to do with it.

A hockey player lost his job at the bank. His boss caught him cross-checking.

Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.

I do my best proofreading after I hit 'send'.

A group of secretaries was having lunch when the new vice president walked by. One of the ladies mentioned, "My, Mr. Lawson sure dresses nicely."
One of the younger women added, "And fast too."

I went for a job interview
And at the end they asked me, “So, last question: what would you say is your worst quality?”
“Worst quality?”, I replied, “well I’ve been told that I often jump to conclusions...”
“Hmm, ok. Well, thanks very much for coming in, we’ll be in touch”
“No problem! See you Monday!”

Interviewer: What is your current occupation?
Me: I am an artist for the state.
Interviewer: The state?
Me: Yes, I draw unemployment.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I lost my job as a stage designer.
I left without making a scene.

Retired from a career as a repairman.
Now my income's no longer fixed.

I was asked at an interview how i would describe myself, i said verbally of course.

If I do a job in 30 min., it's bcoz I spent 10 years learning how to do that in 30 min. You owe me for the years, not the minutes.

It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn't nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...

A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

The worst part about looking for a job is if you're successful, you end up with a job.

interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live

What’s a chef’s first job after culinary school?
Finding an entree-level position.

My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.

A meeting is an event where minutes are kept and hours are lost.

The local police have asked me to come for an interview. I don't even remember applying for a job there.

Why didn't the Australian marsupial get the job?

He was over-koalified.

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!" 😐

Why did the pilot feel insecure? His job was always up in the air.

I had to quit my job at the watch factory....
The bloke opposite me kept making faces.

I tried to get a job at a casino but they didn't have a slot for me.

I quit my job as a personal trainer after complaints that I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've handed in my Too Weak notice.

I just started a new job as a security guard in a kids playground.
Wife just warned me that my career is on the slide.

I asked my boss where he wanted this big roll of bubble wrap, he said just pop it in the corner, took me 4 bloody hours…

So I went for a job as a lumberjack..
Fella asks: "Have you any experience?"
I replied: "Have you heard of the Sahara Forest?"
He said: "You mean Sahara Desert!"
I said: "Well that's what they call it now!"

I try not to work that much.
That way I make less mistakes.

Got a new job writing instruction booklets. It's mainly manual labour.

Never employ someone who's obsessed with graphs. They'll always be plotting behind your back.

Me: “I can’t come in to work. I have a wee cough.”
Boss: “You have a wee cough!?”
Me: “Thanks! See you next week!”

I start my new job at a knife factory tomorrow! Have to be there 8am sharp ....

Just been for an interview for a job in the local fishmongers, didn’t get it - I’m gutted.

I applied for a job at a fish farm, but they gave it to salmon else.

A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

I landed a role at the local weather station, apparently its a high pressure job.

Had a fine job at the sandpaper factory but rubbed them the wrong way and was fired of coarse.

I had to leave my job at the umbrella factory, was a very shady place.

I was called into my manager's office today because of my dress code.
He said, "You can't wear pyjamas for work."
I said, "Everyone else does."
He said, "That's because they're patients."

Job interview tip: Repeatedly ask if you're under oath.

A job listing without the pay posted feels like a dating profile with no pictures.

I had to quit my printing job because I couldn't make any money.

My back don’t start hurting until I put on my work clothes
👖😒👕

the two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job.

I got a new job as a litter picker recently, but I was given absolutely no training.

You were just expected to pick it up as you went along.

I got a job working as a bullet.

I was fired immediately!

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.She felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioner.

I keep having to get up early for work. I find this to be an alarming situation.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture, I've got a hunch it might be me.

No, you don't get the job.... Pictures of a gang bang isn't proof that you work well with a team.

Had an interview for the job as a Camouflage expert last week.
I didn't turn up but got the job.

I asked the recruitment officer what rank do I start at ?
He said sorry thats private !!

Boss: "Why are you late?"

Me: "I got totally drunk last night and set my calculator for £6.30...."

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.

If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!"

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights were too heavy.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

Had an interview for the Royal Navy..

Officer: Can you swim?

Me: Why? Have you got no boats!?

If you want a job at a moisturizer factory, you should apply twice a day.

The reference from my last employer at the stone and granite place said I was counter productive.

I think I really deserve an Oscar for acting like everything at work is fine.

I worked at a factory that built cannons. One day I got tired and took a nap in a barrel. Later that day I got fired!

I've just joined the coastguard, it should be a easy job because who's going to try to steal the coast ?