Uncover the Fun Side of History with Hilarious Jokes.

King Arthur measured the size of his omelettes using his eggs caliber.

Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics in Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. One day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there was an old sect of priests who knew many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh ordered his men to go there and bring him sages from that sect. For weeks he waited, until finally, the priests stood before him.

The priests examined him and said that there was only one thing that could cure him. He must have sexual relations with a 72-year-old virgin.

The pharaoh was desperate enough to try. For weeks he suffered as his men scoured Egypt for a 72-year-old virgin.

Finally, they found one. And they brought her to the pharaoh. And he slept with her.

And, just like that, his disease was gone.

All of them: the woman, the priests, the old man, were generously rewarded with gold.

2100 years the story was distorted and became 72 virgins in paradise.

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history." ~ George Hegel

Taxes history: During the reign of Edward III (1327-77), the citizens of Norwich had to pay the king 24 herring pies a year.

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier.

But it was getting late so we called it a knight.

Who studies ancient humor?

An archae-lol-ogist.

Which civilization was the first to advance technical, specialist or niche interests?

The Ancient Geeks.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

General Lee was generally a good general!

The Greeks invented threesomes.

The Romans added the women.

Failed history because I forgot everything we learned.
I guess I’m doomed to repeat it.

My body is like a Greek Temple
In ruins.

Many Roman soldiers had to deal with Britanny spears.

How did King Tutankhamun attract Ankhesenpaaton, you ask?

Probably pharaohmones.

At the barbecue Joan of Arc made an ash of herself in screaming that she wanted her stake medium rare.

A Roman centurion kidnapped a member of a tribe of barbarians and offered to trade him for a Roman prisoner. The barbarian chief said, I can't believe you have the Gaul to do that!!

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.

The ancient Greeks buried the dead with coins to pay for transport across the River Styx . This was the first cryptocurrency .

Most people know of the Greek Goddess of Love, Aphrodite. Less well known is her older, more practical sister, the Goddess of Getting Things Done, Expedite.

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.

What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.

Roman soldiers are trained.

But Vikings are Bjorn.

Antique clocks with no hands are timeless masterpieces.

Eventually Genghis Khan controlled a vast region, but at the beginning he had to take it one steppe at a time.

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 13. His name was Constant Teen.

How did the pharaohs become so wealthy? They were running huge pyramid schemes.

For Sale; French WW2 rifle
Never been fired, only dropped once.

History is a bit sexist…

…I mean, we should be learning about herstory too.

I'm really getting bored watching the History Channel... There's never anything new on.

Just found out how the Red Sea got its name. Cleopatra used to swim in it…… Periodically.

In Ancient Egypt, many children were confused when their daddy became a mummy...

I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.

The women who married Henry The VIII clearly had lost their heads!

Our furniture goes back to Louis the 15th.
That is, unless we pay Louis by the 14th.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

What subject did the snake learn in school on Monday? Hiss-tory!

Why did Cleopatra bathe in milk? She couldn’t find a cow tall enough to have a shower.

History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.

Q: Where did King Arthur buy his camels?
A: Camelot!!

Q: What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
A: I don't know, I wasn't invited!

Napoleon didn’t design the coat he wore, but he had a hand in it.

It's been established that Napoléon Bonaparte once yelled out, 'Hey Jo! - there's no water in the loo'! The rest is his story,...

How do Greek gods
play the drums?

They use Styx.

The ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon".

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum known as the Caesarian section.

During the bronze age, everyone in the Olympics came in third.

What happened when the wheel was invented? ... It caused a revolution

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?
Modern historians call it balderdash.

In Roman times peas were rare and expensive. You were only allowed to buy 6 at a time.
They were VIPs.

What song would be appropriate if all King Arthur's men found love?
No More Lonely Knights!!

Why can’t the British pronounce the ‘T’ in they’re name???
They lost all they’re ‘Tea’ in Boston!

Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
It had too many sleepless knights.

Eventually Genghis Khan controlled a vast region, but at the beginning he had to take it one steppe at a time.

I got a Louis XV style clock with a bird chime. It's a rocuckoo clock.

If you're going to tell me about feudal Japan, I'm going to need you to samurais it for me.

How did King Tut make all his money? From a pyramid scheme...

When did Julius Caesar die?
A few days before his funeral.

William Tell talking to his son,
"Do you know anyone who's good at shooting arrows?"
"Not off the top of my head Dad".

In the Bible, Samson was a tough man but his father Samsonite was a real hard case...

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 13. His name was Constant Teen.

King Tutankhamen. Over 2000 years old and still a mummy's boy.

Why George Washington slept sitting upright?
Because he would not lie.

What did the teacher do when his student wrote a report on the history of cheese?

He grated it.

I made some puns on Greek Gods..
My Apollogies.

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.

"Ptolemy ptrained
pten Ptrojans" -
Ancient Ptongue Ptwister

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

King Midas wasn't always happy with his special power. He lost many friends and a few pets. All his life he was racked with gilt.

My son wanted to be a history teacher, but I told him there's no future in it!

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders an Martinus.
Do you mean a Martini, asks the bartender.
No... one will be enough...

I went to the Natural History Museum & asked how old the T-Rex skeleton was.

The curator said “66 million and seven years”.

I said “How can you be so accurate?"

He replied “When I started working here they told me it was 66 million & I’ve been here for 7 years”.

Me: I'm tired of being single

Friend: then become a history teacher

Me: why?

Friend: to find fun dates

What was the Soviet Union’s most secretive insect?

The Cagey Bee.

My poor knowledge of Greek Mythology has always been my Achilles Elbow.

Best alliance in the world? Russia and the weather.

How to insult a historian: "Yo mamma's got so little class she could be a Marxist utopia."

What did Hitler say when the Allies invaded Normandy?
'This is out of Mein Kampfort zone.'

What do you call 100,000 men with their hands up?
The French Army.

How to write a history essay: However, however, however, however, on the other hand, however, however, however, however, hence.