Hilarious jokes about NOTHING that will make your day !

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

- Oscar Wilde

The Women's Dictionary
1.Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

I was becoming more and more frustrated while looking for assistance in the phone book. The first three florists I called knew nothing about flooring.

"Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear."

Hayao Miyazaki

I’m a mathematician but I hate negative numbers.

I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.

What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

Ability has nothing to do with opportunity.
Napoleon Bonaparte

I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."

I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."

I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replies, “In a second.”

To a great mind, nothing is little.
• Sherlock Holmes

The trouble with doing nothing is...you can't stop to rest.

My family were so poor when i was a child that if i didn't wake up on Christmas morning with a hard on.

I had nothing to play with.....

A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

I am looking to buy a lighthouse but nothing too flashy.

Chillin': The art of doing nothing without being bored.

The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow.

" When i had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself."
~ Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes.

It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.

I told my friend that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it..
I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.

There is nothing better than a friend …unless it’s a friend with chocolate.

Being unhappy is nothing to laugh about.

I said to my doctor, "I'm having serious problems with my memory."

He said, "Give me an example."

I said, "The other day I spent two hours in a multi storey car park trying to remember where I'd parked my car."

He laughed and said, "That's nothing to worry about, we've all done that."

I said, "I don't own a car."

What did the judge say to the dentist?

I want the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

'The only unbearable thing is that nothing is unbearable' (Rimbaud)

There's a nudist convention happening tomorrow via Zoom.

I might join it if I've got nothing on.

My boss calls me "the computer" Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

"To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life."

• Thomas Jefferson

My boss calls me "the computer".
Well, Nothing to do with intelligence here, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

What is as big as a hippopotamus but weighs nothing at all?

A hippopotamus's shadow.

“Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.”
― Oscar Wilde.

They say there is nothing in the world harder than a diamond. There is… paying for it.

Women in my focus group say a bald-headed man is trustworthy. He has nothing to hide.

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.
Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed.
A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.

If u ever need nothing i'm here for u.

Mark Knopfler comes home carrying a large picture frame & chips
Wife: What you been up to?
MK: I was at the Auction & got a French Impressionist painting & I got you a chippy
Wife: How much have spent this time?
MK: Nothing, I got the Monet for nothing and the chips for free.

I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy but it fits the bill...

Watched an X rated musical the other day, nothing but gratuitous sax and senseless violins!

If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

A young Newfoundland woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Bell Island Ferry."

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."

Have you heard about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

- How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
- Nothing – it was on the house.

A business organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels in the business, some climbing up others down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but management assholes.

Sent my hearing aid back for repair 3 weeks ago, have heard nothing since.

- What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted?
- Nothing he was already stuffed.

Who said nothing is impossible try slamming a revolving door.