Hilarious jokes about SOMETHING that will make your day !

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

There's something wrong here, said the proctologist, but I can't put my finger on it.

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old small bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"

Gell-Mann's Dictum: Whatever isn't forbidden is required.
Corollary: If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Everitt's Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics:

Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will stil result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.

Economists' Laws:
What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Corollaries:
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollaries:
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.

Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Boob's Law: You always find something the last place you look.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

I wanted to learn to dance so I started with salsa. I wanted something I could dip in to.

A person needs just three things to be truly happy in the world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

If you dont like Harry Potter puns there must be something Ron with you!

I like them, but Im Weasley pleased.

Isn't it ironic that procrastination is something you can do immediately?

I went to the counter at McDonalds to tell them there was something wrong with my Big Mac.

Cashier: What seems to be the issue?

I hold up the sandwich and the buns move like lips and sing: ‘Listen to the wind bloooow’

Cashier: Sorry, sir. We accidentally made you a Fleetwood Mac.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I’m in prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t get away with it.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Im dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

A friend on Facebook posted this on her newsfeed: 'Do something today that your future self will thank you for'
- So I unfriended her.

Today I saw something that reminded me of you.
But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.

You know it's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

Remember: You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Winter solstice sounds like something we should celebrate with chips and dip.

My tax advisor told me to put something away for a rainy day. I've bought an umbrella.

The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.

I should do something today, but I didn't finish doing the nothing I was doing yesterday.

“When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favour.”

- Elon Musk

Psychology says, if you get a gut feeling that something isn’t right about a person or situation, trust it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

"You will never understand something well unless you can explain it to your grandmother"
- Albert Einstein

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

Life insurance is something that helps keeps folks poor all their lives so they can die rich.

A guy at work claims he didnt steal the battery out of my calculator, but something just doesnt add up...

Whenever I see five toes, I know something is a foot.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!

"The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief."
By William Shakespeare, Othello

"The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."

By Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

You know that beer holder on the wall in the shower?
My wife calls it a soap dish. You learn something new everyday!

I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...

It must have been something I said.

If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

That awkward moment when someone tries to correct you on something you clearly know more about.

" Try to learn something about everything and everything about something "🌷
~ Thomas Henry Huxley

There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!