Hilarious jokes about SOMETHING that will make your day !

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Why did the depressed person put his booze in the elevator?
He wanted something to lift his spirits.

Me: Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig!
Waiter: I am sorry Sir, let me bring you something that is.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

I went to the counter at McDonalds to tell them there was something wrong with my Big Mac.

Cashier: What seems to be the issue?

I hold up the sandwich and the buns move like lips and sing: ‘Listen to the wind bloooow’

Cashier: Sorry, sir. We accidentally made you a Fleetwood Mac.

"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful."
By F. Scott Fitzgerald

In a restaurant:
Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy.
Server: Maybe the chicken strips for $6?
Me: Maybe it does, but that doesn't help with my hunger.

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
- Hermann Hesse

Wife: What’s that beeping noise?

Husband: That’s just the fasten seatbelt alert.

Wife: How can you ignore something that annoying?

Husband: Huh?

School is not hard.
Paying attention to something you’re not interested in is.

Why do farts smell?
.
.
.
So deaf people have something to laugh at, too.

I suspected my wife was having an affair with Simon Le Bon.

I confronted her the other night and asked : ‘Is there something I should know?’

The wife asked me if I'd like to see her in something long and flowing on New Year's Eve.

I said, "The Thames would be nice."

Eyelashes are suppose to prevent things from getting in your eyes but when I do have something in my eye, it’s always an eyelash.

Eyeronic.

My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified because last time something that big hit the ground the dinosaurs died.

A man phones the customer service of a beer company.
Customer service: "Hello, what can I help you with today?"
Man: "There is something wrong with your beer, it made me blow chunks!"
Customer service: "Well ya, it'll do that."
Man: "No I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"

me: why do you assume I'll say something stupid?

her: you're awake

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Why did the depressed person put his booze in the elevator?
He wanted something to lift his spirits.

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash.

Eyeronic.

Reversing is not something I look forward to.

Shouldn't Elevators be called something else, on the way down?

My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...

I really have something to say, and I'm going to shout it out from the rooftops!!
"Someone has stolen my ladder!!”

A fine is a tax when you’ve been doing something wrong. A tax is a fine you get when you’ve been doing something right.

No Man has ever won the
"Did you notice something different about me?"
Quiz.

If a man says something in a forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong?

The woman was on the verge of death she asked her seven children to leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband.
She said to him I have something to confess.

Yes?

You know our 7th child, Little Joe?

He's not mine?

No, he is yours.

When Ludwig von Beethoven died in Vienna, Austria in 1827 he was buried at the city's central graveyard.

After 3 days some people who walked by his grave notice there was a strange noise in the air. Something was wrong.

After 6 days more and more people were talking about that and it became topic in the journal, and everybody was thinking that it would be a ghost or some curse.

After 7 days the citizens decided to call the priest to check out what was going on in there.

So a big crowd went to the cemetery to see what the priest would do to find out what was happening.

When the priest standed next to Beethoven's grave he said to everyone not to talk out loud so he could listen to the misterious noise.

10 seconds passed and he talked to people:

- "Don't be afraid, women and men. This is not a ghost exactly."

- "What do you mean?!" - Said one of the men.

- "Can't you hear? It's not a noise. It's Beethoven's 5th Symphony." - Answered the priest.

- "So why is it playing now? Beethoven is dead, isn't he?"

- "Relax. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? you don’t get something in return if you give money to a church.

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

Q: What was the hipster doing at the computer?
A: Looking in the recycling bin for something retro.

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
*Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
*Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
*Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
*Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
*Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
*Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
*Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
*Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'. The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred'. 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin’ doctor!😂😂

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

What’s something you couldn’t find on the Internet ?

My wife said to me yesterday, “Honey, I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.”
I said, “Well, we could always take them to your mother’s.”

- What’s something that often comes in a McDonald’s happy meal?
- Me. It’s me.

My wife asked me to buy something that made her look sexy again. So, I bought a crate of larger.

An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for DA hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100" she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400.
"No," she says....So finally he says,
"OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can get free drinks for the rest of the night." The man walks over, says something to the horse, it laughs, and he walks back over to the bar to collect his free drinks. The next night, the man goes back to the bar and the bartender asks the man if he can make the horse cry. The man walks over, does something to the horse, and it starts to cry. The bartender asks, "How did you make it cry?" The man replies, "Well, to make the horse laugh last night I told it I had a bigger dick and to make it cry tonight I showed it."

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old small bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"
The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

I have an excellent memory except for three things. Names, faces and something else.

My wife says I only have two faults.
I don't listen and something else.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

Every time I see a label on something that says Non-Flammable, the little voice inside my head goes... Challenge Accepted!