Random engineer joke:


Old Engineer's Law: The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it.

Engineer jokes collection.



Selected engineer jokes:


My aeronautical engineer Italian cousin spoke only plane English.


“Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”
—Scott Adams


I became an electrical engineer because of my potential.


“Engineers: they turn coffee into buildings.”
—Unknown



More engineer jokes...


Thanks to road engineering design, emotional drivers
can pull off to the side and have a shoulder to cry on.


So I got asked today:
“Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”
I said: “Obviously a lift engineer.”


The majority of train derailments are due to the engineer being distracked.


How does a train drink?
They chugga chugga.
How does a train eat?
They chew chew.
Did you know trains can't fart, but they sometimes toot?
So, how does a train hear?
With their engineer!


How many engineers ever worked on engines?


This really polite person was driving the train.
He was a ……
CIVIL Engineer!


If a mixing engineer suggests ways to make your album better, listen to them. It's sound advice.


Went for a job as network engineer. Working for a company that tracked sex offenders. They asked, 'What is a VPN?'. With hindsight visible panty nickers was not a good answer.


Happiness for engineering students? Lecture canceled.


The best engineers have the worst handwriting.


- Daddy, will I ever have free time?
-No son, we are engineers.


“Engineer solving problems you didn’t know you had in ways you can’t understand.”
—Unknown


“Engineering is the closest thing to magic that exists in the world.”
—Elon Musk


“Unfortunately, humans have a long history of trying to fix their engineering mistakes with more engineering mistakes!”
—Steven Magee


“The ‘H’ in ENGINEER stands for happiness.”
—Unknown


“What’s nice about having an engineering degree is everybody thinks you are smart.”
—Ato Essandoh


“Science is about knowing; engineering is about doing.”
—Henry Petroski


My life is full of positives and negatives. I’m an electrical engineer.


“Electrical Engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.”


“Chemical engineers build the rocket fuel. Electrical engineers build the guidance system. Nuclear engineers build the payload. Environmental engineers clean it up.”
—Unknown


“Engineering is the art and science of nuts and bolts.”
—Haresh Sippy


“The fewer moving parts, the better. Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering.”
—Christian Cantrell


“Majors in mechanical engineering, talks down to civil engineering friends about how easy their major is.”
—Unknown


“Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”
—Scott Adams


“Given enough time, an engineer will optimize to infinity.”
—Unknown


“Engineers: they turn coffee into buildings.”
—Unknown


“Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”
—Scott Adams


Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering:

In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted.
If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly completed.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.


Peck's Programming Postulates (Philosophic Engineering applied to programming):

In any program, any error which can creep in will eventually do so.
Not until the program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
Any constants, limits, or timing formulas that appear in the computer manufacturer's literature should be treated as variables.
The most vital parameter in any subroutine stands the greatest chance of being left out of the calling sequence.
If only one compiler can be secured for a piece of hardware, the compilation times will be exorbitant.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order, will be.
Interchangeable tapes won't.
If more than one person has programmed a malfunctioning routine, no one is at fault.
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
Duplicated object decks which test in identical fashion will not give identical results at remote sites.
Manufacturer's hardware and software support ceases with payment for the computer.


Klipstein's Laws: Applied to General Engineering:

A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application made by an independent worker.
Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Applied to Prototyping and Production:
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty to assemble.
If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in stock.
A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
A failsafe circuit will destroy others.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough, and only long enough, to pass incoming inspection.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.


Old Engineer's Law: The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it.


The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.


What's the difference between introverted and extroverted engineers?
The extroverted engineer looks at *your* shoes...


My aeronautical engineer Italian cousin spoke only plane English.


A friend of mine is a civil engineer. Well, he wouldn't be a friend if he wasn't civil.


I have an unexplainable irrational fear of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex-complex complex.


I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, "I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track."


Where do network engineers go to use the toilet?
At their IP address.


The Xerox engineer came to fix my copier, i said what the hell is wrong with it, he said he didnt like my tone.


What do you call a group of math and science geeks at a party?

Social engineers.


I got asked today:
“Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”
I said: “Obviously a lift engineer.”


Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange.
The novel navel.


An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend:
Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment.

Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?


The pessimist sees a dark tunnel, The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.


The optimist says the glass is half full.

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass is over-designed for the quantity of water.


- Why did the maniac kill the train engineer?
- He had a loco-motive.


An engineer dies and goes to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?”
Satan says, "Why, things are going great.
We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven.
Send him up here immediately!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I'll sue you!”
“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”


Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."


4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .


It should not be surprising that some train engineers are a little crazy. They have locomotives.


I’VE GOT A PHOBIA OF OVER-ENGINEERED BUILDINGS.
It’s a complex complex complex.


I am an engineer. My job is nuts.


I became an electrical engineer because of my potential.


I'm an engineer and I use white boards all the time. They are re-markable!


I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.


How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install,
and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?




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