Finding humor in the divine.
Jesus said, 'Love thy neighbor,' but my neighbor is a jerk.
Jesus said, 'Turn the other cheek,' but I'm all out of cheeks.
I asked Jesus, 'What's the secret to eternal life?'
He said, 'Stop asking me and go live your life.'
When laughter meets the sacred.
If Jesus turned water into wine, why does water still exist?
Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.
- 1 John 2:6
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise the head and say in Jesus name, Amen.
In a parallel universe Jesus is turning wine into water. He is NOT popular.
Call me Jesus Christ cuz I love getting nailed and stoned.
Holy humor that'll make you say 'Hallelujah!'.
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
Only takes one nail to hang the painting.
I may not be perfect, but Jesus thinks I’m to die for.
People commonly believe that Jesus died a virgin, but I heard he got nailed right before he died.
Why can't Jesus judge gay people?
Because he got nailed right before he died.
Why people leave things in Jesus hands, knowing he got holes in them. Is beyond me.
Where Jesus jokes are heaven-sent.
IF you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say "In Jesus name, Amen."
Did you know that Jesus was with the Italian Mafia?
It’s true! His dad was the Godfather.
What did Jesus say to his apostles on the cross before he died ?
Don't touch my fucking easter eggs il be back on Sunday.
Maybe Jesus only had 12 followers because he never retweeted anyone.
I may be an atheist but I love Jesus jokes. Especially when they nail it.
Unleashing the lighter side of faith.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, "This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.
So Jesus walks in to a bar and orders 12 waters then turns and winks at his disciples.
They told me to play Jesus but my hair was black so I had to dye for their scenes.
my drug of choice is the love i get from jesus .
im jus playin , it’s weed.
Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die.
But FAT CELLS… must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.
Laughing with the Lord.
What type of gum does Jesus chew?
A little girl was given a new teddy for her birthday. It was very cute but it’s eyes were crossed. She was asked what she would call her new toy. She immediately responded “Gladly”. “That’s an odd name, why “Gladly”?” she was asked. “Because that’s what Jesus called his”, she answered. Which got the bemused question, “What do you mean?” “It’s in the bible”, the little girl replied. “Jesus said, “gladly my cross I’d bear””.
When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought -
"I bet this will look fucking great on a necklace one day."
If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God.
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel...
He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”
Walking on water? We prefer walking on laughter.
Although Jesus was known as a carpenter. He never actually sang on any of their albums.
I saved a picture of Jesus as the background for my laptop screen today...it's my screen saviour !
If god doesn't exist,how did Jesus walk on water?
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then well talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Your going to love the Dad's reply:
... ... ... his father replied,
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?
I'm planning on opening an art boutique.
I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.
It'll be a high prophet enterprise.
Holy hilarity at its finest.
If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
A buglar was in a dark room when he heard a voice say :
- Jesus is watching you.
He shone his torch round and saw a parrot who said
jesus is watching you.
- what your name ? asked the buglar.
- Moses, came the reply.
- What kind of owner calls a parrot Moses ?
- The same ones who called the Rottweiler Jesus.
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great,However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the monsignor. It read: 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T� 5. The recommended grace before meals is not " rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The boys". 7. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him." 8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as"Big Daddy, Junior and, The Spook". 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry". 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest as St. Peters.There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy�s. 11. Jesus was Consecrated, NOT constipated. 12. Jesus said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body, "he did not say, "Eat me." 13. Jacob wagered his donkey, he didn�t "beat his ass." David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn�t "stoned off his ass.
My girlfriend asked me how Jesus stayed so fit back then. I told her it was CrossFit.
Q:What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A:Only takes one nail to put the picture up.