Hilarious jokes about SOMETHING that will make your day !

You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

-- Ron Minnich

Wife: What’s that beeping noise?

Husband: That’s just the fasten seatbelt alert.

Wife: How can you ignore something that annoying?

Husband: Huh?

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
- Hermann Hesse

I KNOW I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS, BUT I AM 83 YEARS OLD AND I WAS IN THE MCDONALD’S DRIVE-THROUGH THIS MORNING AND THE YOUNG LADY BEHIND ME LEANED ON HER HORN AND STARTED MOUTHING SOMETHING BECAUSE I WAS TAKING TOO LONG TO PLACE MY ORDER. SO WHEN I GOT TO THE FIRST WINDOW I PAID FOR HER ORDER ALONG WITH MY OWN. THE CASHIER MUST HAVE TOLD HER WHAT I'D DONE, BECAUSE AS WE MOVED UP SHE LEANED OUT HER WINDOW AND WAVED TO ME AND MOUTHED "THANK YOU.", OBVIOUSLY EMBARRASSED THAT I HAD REPAID HER RUDENESS WITH KINDNESS. WHEN I GOT TO THE SECOND WINDOW I SHOWED THEM BOTH RECEIPTS AND TOOK HER FOOD TOO. NOW SHE HAS TO GO BACK TO THE END OF THE QUEUE AND START ALL OVER AGAIN,
DON'T BLOW YOUR HORN AT OLD PEOPLE, THEY HAVE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him that her pussy is itching something fierce, "well let me take a look at it." While he's down there he's saying "yes , sure,aha, okay." He tells her to sit up and get dressed. Once she's dressed he says, "I'm sorry to inform you ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked she says, "that can't be, I'm a virgin!" Disbelieving her the doctor asks the woman her age, she says, "I just turned 45." He laughs and says, "Well I am sorry to inform you that you do indeed have crabs." So the woman goes to a second doctor to get another opinion. The doctor tells her to strip and lay down. While he's down there he's saying, "okay I see, sure, haha." He instructs the woman to sit up and get dressed. "I'm sorry to tell you this ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked again she says, "that's impossible I'm a virgin." Again the doctor laugh's and asks her age. She says, "I just turned 45." The doctor laugh's says, "I'm sorry but you do have crabs." The woman seeks a third and final opinion. As usual she strips and lies down. The doctor goes down there and says, "haha, wow! unbelievable! She says, "Oh Lord please don't tell me I have crabs!" He says, "no ma'am I'm sorry to inform you but your cherry has gone rotten and you have the worst case of fruit flies I've ever seen! "

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she asked if she could massage and rub his testicles. She told him it was something she really loved and wanted to do. So she spent the next hour just rubbing and massaging his testicles, and he was loving every moment. He could not believe his luck, as no other girlfriend had ever wanted to pleasure him like this! As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love rubbing testicles so much?” Because, she replied, “I miss mine!”

A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.

The Women's Dictionary
1.Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

Caribbean male pickup lines: They are Punny!
I hope you came with a library card because I need to borrow you.
Is your name Google? You have everything I am looking for.
Hold me tight girl and feel the boyfriend material.
I am walking behind you because my mama told me to follow my dreams.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk in front of you again?
(While rubbing eyes) Girl, something is wrong with my eyes, I just can’t take them off you.
You are like the Great Wall of China, I just can’t get over you.
You remind me of a lobster, all the meat is in your tail.
I heard that you are good in math, can you replace my X without asking Y?
You must come from ISIS because you are the bomb!
I was feeling a little off, but you turned me back on.
I want to be a gardener so that I can plant my tulips on your tulips.

The waitress at the diner brought me my order. I could see that she had her thumb sticking into my soup in the bowl. When I pointed this out she said, "I got a sore on that thumb and it feels better when I stick it in something warm." So I reply, "Why don't you just stick it up your ass?" She says, "I do, when I'm not serving soup."👱‍♀️

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells. 👀

A boy goes into a pub, "give me 10 Pernod and blackcurrant".. The barman lines them up and the boy sinks them one after the other. "bloody hell, what are you celebrating?" asked the barman... "my first blowjob" said the boy. "Oh that is something to celebrate, have another on the house"
The boy looks at him and says "I've just drunk 10, another one isn't going to take the taste away".....

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..." 😎

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...
This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medicine actually makes the illness *worse*. Then, when they go back to the doctor, he prescribes a real medication for an absurd price. This strategy has given him tons of cash over the years with no suspicions. That is, until now.

Scientists have run checks over his "medicine" and discovered the truth. The doctor is jailed for his crimes and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair at midnight.

But, when the doctor sits on the electric chair, something happens. The officer assigned to flip the electric switch to do away with the criminal is flabbergasted at how the doctor is surviving the shocks at max power. Other officers witnessed this, and finally, on the next afternoon, he is freed from all charges due to this paranormal happening.

Unfortunately, the doctor is at it again, tricking his customers. His patients are more mad than ever, and due to a mob of angry, sick civilians, the doctor is jailed and scheduled to be subjected to the wrath of the electric chair at midnight *again*.

But alas! At the stroke of midnight, although the flashes of electricity emanating from the execution room lighted the correctional facility, the doctor did not perish. They released him again in absolute bafflement.

As you may have guessed by now, the doctor continues to scam and sicken his clients. After a month, the whole world has been in outrage over the reign of this infamous doctor. The police reluctantly capture him and schedule him for the old midnight execution drill. Again.

This time, however, during the time of the execution, a stadium of people have come to watch the doctor get electrocuted like a fly in front of their eyes, including the leader of the country's police force. They flip the switch...

The doctor survives. The crowd goes silent.

The chief policeman struts over to the poor doctor and asks him, "How the singular crap are you surviving?! That was literally over a thousand damnable volts! And no, don't give me that 'I'm a bad conductor' line because I have heard that repost a million times on r/Jokes."

The doctor, blackened but very much alive, says, "Yeah, that's not it. I'm a bad con doctor."

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.

The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.

At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.

And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.

Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.

The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.

"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."

"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."

This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.

He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."

The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.

The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.

"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."

I’m thinking about getting a side job cleaning mirrors. It’s something that I can see myself doing.

My wife told me that I have only two flaws.
That I don't listen and something else. 🙄

Working in a mirror factory is totally something I can see myself doing.🔎