Statistics Jokes - Humorous Insights into Data Analysisю

Old statisticians never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.

Statisticians believe they can predict football results using Poisson distribution.

Data science for the money, Statistics for the glory.

Pick up lines for statisticians: "I think our correlation is high".

Machine learning is just statistics. On steroids. Lots and lots of steroids.

89% of the world population don't know how to calculate 89% of the world population... funny statistics.

When I say I love models, I mean statistical models.

What happened to the guy who had a fetish for population statistics? He finally came to his census.

Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

Phelps's Law of Retributive Statistics: An unexpectedly easy-to-handle sequence of events will be immediately followed by an equally long sequence of trouble.

NASA Truisms:
Research is reading two books that have never been read in order to write a third that will never be read.
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
Statistics are a highly logical and precise method for saying a half-truth inaccurately.

Kamin's Fourth Law: Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate: central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit is non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing.

Hall's Law: There is a statistical correlation between the number of initials in an Englishman's name and his social class (the upper class having significantly more than three names, while members of the lower class average 2.6).

Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:

Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.

Two unbiased estimators are sitting in a bar, having a few beers. The first one says, "How do you like being married?" The second one says, "It's okay, but you lose a degree of freedom!"
(statistics fun)

Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant.

I’m not an outlier; I just haven’t found my distribution yet!
(statistics fun)

The Statistics professor's failing students found it difficult to live within his means.

Don't become a novelist; be a statistician, much more scope for the imagination.

What did the z distribution say to the t distribution?
You may look like me but you're not normal.
(statistics fun)

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.

Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence. Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95 percent confidence.

Statistics show that those who celebrate more birthdays live longer.

Statistics is the art of never having to say you're wrong.

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
- Aaron Levenstein

To be a statistican is great! You never have to be "absolutely sure" of anything... being "reasonably certain" is enough! -
Pavel E. Guarisma

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

A statistican is a man who comes to the rescue of figures that cannot lie for themselves.

A statistician drowned whilst wading across a river.
Someone told him that on average it was three feet deep.

JOB INTERVIEW ADVICE: At the interview, tell them you're willing to give 110%, unless the job is a statistician...

The statistics professor treats her students like they are indeciles or out-and-outliers.

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend.

A 103 year old man was asked if he thought that he’d still be around for his 104th birthday.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

It's a little known fact, that in the 1980s statistically girls called Eileen spent more on dry cleaning than girls with any other name.

A statistics pun can be considered as mean.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ~ Fletcher Knebel

53.8% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.