Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Group sex is like art, some people just don't get it, others can't get enough...

"Doctor, I keep seeing stars and spots before my eyes."
"Have you seen an optician?"
"No, just stars and spots."

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they're not.

"If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?"
~ Stephen Hawking

I'm not a hacker, I'm an "undocumented administrator".

In 1976, doctors in Los Angeles went on strike, and the mortality rate dropped by 18%.

Попали как-то на необитаемый остров американец, француз и русский. Так Владимир Познер один на необитаемом острове и просидел.

Мужик устраивается на работу в цирк. Собеседование у директора. Директор спрашивает:
- Что Вы умеете делать?
- Я умею подражать птицам.
- Ну нет, у нас таких достаточно, Вы нам не подходите.
- Извините.
Сказал мужик и жидко надристал директору на лобовое стекло.

In 1913 the IRS TAX was only intended to be TEMPORARY to finance WWI...

Censorship is a fatal error, as it destroys the means of error correction.

The reason to win the game is so that you can be free of it.

"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."

— Isaac Asimov

If your boyfriend uses tiktok, you have a girlfriend.

I treat people the way I want to be treated…by not talking to them.

Reminder: bad decisions make the best stories. Keep writing your masterpiece.

Long-term consistency beats short-term intensity.

My boss just told me off for wearing pyjamas to work.
"But everybody else is wearing them," I protested.
He said, "I know, but they're your patients."

Once weapons were manufactured to fight wars. Now wars are manufactured to sell weapons.

Me: That hemorrhoid cream really caused a bad reaction.
Doctor: Where did you apply it?
Me: On the bus.

Ducks never grow up; they only grow down.

“The wisest men follow their own direction.”

― Euripides

If you sweat wearing a sweater, who exactly is the sweater?

I called my doctors surgery this morning.

"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing."

"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"

I said, "Tomorrow, orrow, row, ow."

Whoever coined the term "coined the term" coined the term.

Fun fact: In Ancient Greece, small penises were celebrated and seen as a sign of high intelligence. Men with large penises were seen as grotesque, laughable and barbaric.

The problem with following the science is that quite often, the science follows the money.

Люди, "умеющие жить", на самом деле просто сидят на шее у тех, кто умеет работать.

“Humanity is OK, but 99% of people are boring idiots.”

― Slavoj Žižek

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”

— Edgar Allan Poe

- Do you have a doctor here?
- Yes, I’m.
- What’s your specialty?
- I’m a doctor in Mathematics.
- My friend is dying.
- Minus one.

“Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.”
- Jorge Luis Borges

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

- Mark Twain

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

Приходит как—то раз мужчина к врачу и жалуется:
— Доктор, у меня сердце болит...
Врач:
— У меня тоже.
— И печень пошаливает..
— У меня тоже
— И голова тоже болит..
— У меня тоже
— Знаете, доктор, пойду—ка я к другому врачу!
— Подождите, милейший, я с Вами!

“Talk is cheap. Show me the code.”

— Linus Torvalds

Q: What borders on complete stupidity?
A: Canada and Mexico.

Don’t Do Something Permanently Stupid Just Because You Are Temporarily Upset.

That awkward moment when you're wearing Nikes and you can't just do it.

If you’re trying to scare me for Halloween, I’m really afraid of money.

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Заходит как-то давление в один бар в один бар, а у них там своя атмосфера.

If someone sends me a screenshot I always check their battery percentage.

70% женщин кричат во время оргазма, чтобы их услышал бывший.

Simplicity isn't the lack of complexity; it's the clarity of understanding.

The deepstate is just a giant network of blackmailed pedophiles.

Nearly every country is run by a shadow government who owes its loyalty to the New World Order controlled by a 13-member Illuminati Council.

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.

The dirty secret of the tech business is that network effects create natural monopolies and oligopolies. The number two platform often isn’t viable. De-platforming becomes no-platforming.

If you ever feel foolish, remember that there are people out there who believe they are saving the planet by driving a Tesla.

I don't even see the Oscars anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors.

Bankers are looting the world. You're not in the middle of a recession; you're in the middle of a robbery.

If you behaved like your government you'd be arrested.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

I hate cleaning my windows…

It’s a pane in the glass.

WEF = WRECKING EVERYONE'S FUTURE

There are two governments in America, the government you see and the government you don't see.

"Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself. It is a hallmark of an authoritarian regime."
~ Potter Stewart

Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel?

He called it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

The CIA = COCAINE IMPORTING AGENCY

How do you know when a website is lying?
When it ends in dot gov.

In 2018 Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, ran an ad campaign branding itself as the "G-Spot of Europe" accompanied by the slogan "Nobody knows where it is, but when you get there - it's amazing."

What do you call a feminist government?

A Dick-hater-ship.

"Secrecy is the keystone to all tyranny. Not force, but secrecy and censorship.''
~ Robert A. Heinlein

What do you get when you cross a cow and a trampoline?
A milkshake that really bounces!

Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had drumsticks!

Fake history is what you were taught on purpose.

If you want to reach a large audience appeal to idiots

~ A. Schopenhauer

“A senior developer is someone who fluently hates more than one programming language.”

Politicians will fuck anything but off.

Приходит мужик к доктору.
- Доктор, у меня яйцо опухло!
- Ну показывайте, показывайте.
- А вы смеяться не будете?
- Ну что вы, что вы. Я же доктор.
Мужик вываливает на стол левое.
- Хи-хи-хи,- захихикал доктор.
- Ну вот! Так я и знал. Тогда я вам опухшее не покажу!

Government creates the crises so it can "rescue" you with the loss of freedom.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
taxation is theft,
and inflation is too.

Never ask Sean Connery to teach your dog to sit.

Mafia: the same thing as the government, without all the pretense.

Let's stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

Things to make your day better:

1) Do not watch the news.

Government can't profit from self-sufficient people.

CLIMITARD /'klimit'tard/ NOUN: A PERSON THAT BELIEVES THE CLIMATE CAN BE CHANGED BY PAYING A TAX TO THE GOVERNMENT.

"Всё что говорят обо мне за моей спиной, слушает только моя жопа"
Ф.Раневская