Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Always start your call with “I have 1% phone battery left”.

- Meloni: “What should we do about the Israel–Iran war?”

- Macron: “I don't know. Should I announce that France surrenders?”

My GIVE A FUCK is still broken, but my GO FUCK YOURSELF is fully functional.

My GIVE A FUCK is still broken, but my GO FUCK YOURSELF is fully functional.

Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.She will instantly have a headache and go to sleep.

We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

"I had three doctors who told me — 'If you keep going like this, I won't give you six months.' I buried all three of them."
— Keith Richards

Make your own money & marry someone funny.

«Хватит! Хватит блять!» - кричала девушка в маршрутке, забыв слово - «остановите!»

Your mind is software. Update it often.

Sad story...In Moscow, a husband left his wife with two little tits.

Apple store looters need apples to feed their families.

В Москве муж бросил жену с двумя маленькими сиськами.

I'm not Haitian but I will eat your kitty.

Исаак Ньютон недоумевает, что твоя масса не притягивает ни одно тело.

Oбразованного человека вычислить несложно: в его мате содержится смысл.

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper, for example.

— Соломон Маркович, здоровья, счастья и шоб Вы дожили аж до 100 лет!
— Таки мне сегодня 100!
— Ну, тогда хорошего Вам дня!

— Дяденька, не ходите туда, там Игорь Корнелюк!
— Ща проверю, подожди-дожди-дожди, я оставил любовь позади, и теперь у меня впереди...

Bcтpeчaютcя двa eвpeя.
- Cлyшaл я "Битлз", нe пoнpaвилocь. Kapтaвят, фaльшивят, чтo тoлькo в ниx нaxoдят?
- B Лeннoнe, нaпpимep, пyлю нaшли.

Приходит мужик к врачу, а врач - тоже мужик.

Desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.

It's not how deep you fish.
It's how you wiggle your worm.

If AI is going to replace me, I'd love to see AI drink 6 beers before 11 AM in Spain.

It takes 6 men to carry a man to his grave.
It takes 1 woman to put him there.

Toilets are like relationships: sometimes you just need to flush and move on.

Baldwin is a cool name. It is the opposite of hairloss.

Farts are nature’s applause for a meal well eaten.

Два дровосека стучат в лесную избушку. Оттуда выходит третий дровосек:
- В чем дело?
- Да вот, нашли в лесу тело убитого и подумали, может быть, это ты.
- В красной рубашке или в коричневой?
- В красной.
- Ну, тогда не я.

My lunch breaks is mostly just me hiding from responsibilities with food.

Bad days are not a good excuse to interrupt your good habits.

Сидят в тюрьме три бизнесмена.
— Я сделал цену ниже всех. Посадили за демпинг.
— А я сделал цену выше всех. Посадили за необоснованное обогащение.
— А у меня была цена как у всех. Посадили за картельный сговор...

Actions speak louder than words, but not as loud as handcuffs on a bedpost.

Запомни! Если у тебя есть животик - это не жир! Это доброта, которая не уместилась в сердце!

Why is the reward for working hard almost always more work?

No, I don't want to go to your dog's birthday party, weirdo.

My cat's getting married that weekend.

If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.

life's too short to tolerate shit that doesn't make you happy.

My girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Wearing CROCS is like getting a BJ from a man. It feels good till you look down and realize that you are gay.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 33 pages of side effects is right for you.

B дeтcтвe Колю тaк чacтo cтaвили в yгoл, чтo к 16-ти гoдaм oн yмeл лицoм pyбить дpoвa.

I had a secret bank account in the north pole until the government froze my assets.

если вы купили швейцарские часы на улице, без коробки и документов, а ремешок - немного в крови, то они могут быть и настоящими.

Have you heard the joke about yoga? Nevermind, it's a bit of a stretch.

Петербург. Один из группы туристов, осматривающих Эрмитаж, потерялся и случайно зашел в зал авангарда. Одна из картин его настолько поразила, что он, незаметно для себя, начал говорить: Какие форма, какие линии, какая экспрессия. Случайный прохожий подходит к нему и говорит: -Мужчина, а вы когда-нибудь ебали ежа? -Нет, а что? -Да ничего. Вы просто говорите какую-то хуйню, я тоже решил сказать.

I may be low income but I'll never be low in cum.

How to know if your woman really loves you?
- She’s annoying.

You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Российские школы, в которых бросают пить трудовик и физрук, сразу становятся гимназиями.

Viagra is like Disneyland. A one hour wait for a two minutes ride.

Love yourself first. Then go wash your hands.

Dating me is fun. You get a comedian, a mental patient and a pornstar all in one.

They say money doesn't buy happiness, but I'm accepting donations to test that theory.

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Retirement is when you stop sacrificing today for some imaginary tomorrow.

Домик где она жила был хоть и небольшой, но публичный.

"You were once someone's sunshine. What happened?"
"Climate change."

Whoever has my voodoo doll...do that thing I like.

Make her legs shake, not her heart ache.

Date someone who's voice can make you calm. Or wet. Or both.

If you want to be happy go on a 6-months holiday twice a year.

Sex is like cooking. Everyone can do it, but only some make it delicious.

Me in heaven: "Where's the water You turned into wine?"
Jesus: "Don't start."

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

- Цилечка, я за хлебом! Какого купить?
- Полусладкого, Фима…

Car sex is not a problem. Where to park is.

I'm having a garage sale today!
Please don't come if I've ever borrowed anything from you.

I hate when people call my phone...

l don't use it for that.

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.

It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.

The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is
"compost."

Is it true that Israeli new AI supercomputer will pause computing on Saturdays?

2 incomes is better than one, make sure your girl has two jobs.

Q: Why can’t you trust dermatologists?
A: They make pore decisions.

Everything can always be done tomorrow, until it can’t.

I like my coffee how I like my women...without a penis.

- Вчера спал в бетономешалке.
- И как?
- Бетон мешает...

Asbestos may be bad for you, but not as bad as asworstos.