Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

British weather is like Islam.

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite.

"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

~ Benjamin Franklin

I know several jokes in sign language.

I guarantee you, no one has ever heard them before.

Cous Cous is just gay rice.

- Andrew Tate.

Last night, while my wife was asleep I decided to write algebraic terms all over her.

You should have seen the expression on her face.

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is a government big enough to take away everything you have.

Rule Number 1:

Never Joke with your Sources of Income.

Mark Knopfler and Chris Rea have formed a new band.

It's called Dire Rea.

Хорошо, что всё идет по плану.
Плохо, что план - говно.

— Сема! Еще раз пошутишь за мою фигуру — получишь сковородкой в лоб. Ты меня понял?
— Да, Роза…
— И шо ты понял?
— Шо твой лишний вес мне реально угрожает!

Как говорит опытная Сара Моисеевна, умную женщину мужчина почти не ощущает на своей шее.

Фима, сынок, запомни! Самое страшное: совать пальцы в розетку, мясорубку и в обручальное кольцо.

A dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight.

They fought tooth and nail.

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?

A hug and a quiche.

What's Dracula's favorite type of coffee?

Decoffinated.

Не так страшно искать во сне туалет, как его найти.

I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called “69 Mating Positions”.

Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.

The best way to get the most of your tax dollars is to stop paying taxes.

Art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

I didn't become selfish.

I became harder to manipulate.

My door was ajar, so I added jelly.

Now it's a door jam.

It's almost Valentines Day and I don't know what to get myself yet.

Sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid.

Much of the essence of building a program is in fact the debugging of the specification.

-- Fred Brooks

The worst plan is waiting for a perfect plan.

If you decide to procrastinate, is it still procrastination?

Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?

They know how to break the ice.

Never let your memories be greater than your dreams.

- Doug Ivester

- Здравствуйте, мы из библиотеки. Ваша жена до сих пор не вернула нам книгу!
- Какую книгу?
- Учебное пособие "Как выйти замуж за богатого тупого идиота"

- Папа, я не могу выйти замуж за Изю - он атеист и не верит в существование ада.
- Выходи смело! Вы с мамой быстро докажете ему, как он ошибался!

Fun fact:
In 1979, British politician Terry Dicks lost an election to his competitor Michael Cocks.

"It is said that Wisdom lies in not seeing things, But seeing through things."
~ Manly P. Hall

A man goes to the butcher and asks, “I'd like an oxtail please.”

“Certainly,” replies the butcher. “Once upon a time, there was an ox...”

Software gets slower faster than hardware gets faster.

-- Niklaus Wirth

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

- Randy Pausch

The real problem with throwaway code comes when it isn't thrown away.

-- Joseph Yoder

I have a really good Tupperware joke.

But the punchline doesn’t fit - it’s from another Tupperware joke...

Задержана учительница русского языка, при попытке заменить вывеску магазина "Обои" на "Оба".

"I love debugging. It’s like being the detective in a crime movie where you’re also the murderer." 🔍

If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much. And shoplifting.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don't worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Always pretend you don't have money. You'll thank me later.

It's amazing how music can transport you to another place.

For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I'm going to another restaurant.

How much money does a skunk have?
Only one scent.

"Python: the language where 'batteries included' means you’ll spend
half your time figuring out which library to use."

If you are not paying for the product, then you are the product.

My sex life is like a bank account - no deposits, just withdrawals.

Making things easy is hard.

-- Ted Nelson

Don’t buy it because someone tells you to buy it - they won’t be around to tell you when to sell it.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
But I love their greatest hits!

"Only put energy into things you have a future with."

My favorite productivity hack:

DO LESS.

A bad job with a good boss is better than a good job with a bad boss.

Winners have failed more times than losers even tried.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
- Confucius

You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

You deserve to work for the leader who doesn't destroy your mental health.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions and poorly written code."

"I’m not saying my boss is a bad manager, but the last time I saw him, he was holding a 'How to Lose Employees' seminar."

"The management team is like a software update. You know it’s going to take forever, and it probably won’t fix anything."

I love board games. My favorite is when people put meat and cheese on a board. Maybe some crackers and fruit. I'm really good at that one.

You deserve a job that allows you to sleep peacefully every night.

Think twice before you start programming or you will program twice before you start thinking.

Никогда не позволяйте вытирать о себя ноги. Даже красивые.

I am trying to follow The Science but it keeps leading me back to The Money.

Мужская логика вынуждает меня полагаться на женскую интуицию.

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of π is always zero.

A man in the supermarket reminded me about Michael Jackson today.

He said, 'Don't forget about Michael Jackson'.

Sex is like Snow. You never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.

"What one man calls God, another calls the laws of physics."
~ Nikola Tesla

Sometimes words just aren't enough. And that's why we have middle fingers.

Mathematics is the part of physics where experiments are cheap.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys, but Aluminum Man only foils their plans.

I celebrate 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions.

“Any idiot can build a bridge that stands, but it takes an engineer to build a bridge that barely stands.”
- Unknown

Заходит мужик в бар, подходит к барной стойке и говорит:
- Бармен, дай мне апельсин.
Бармен даёт мужику апельсин, мужик со всей дури кидает его в стену и говорит:
- Бармен, дай мне ещё один апельсин.
Бармен даёт мужику ещё один апельсин, мужик со всей дури кидает его в стену и снова говорит:
- Бармен, дай мне ещё один апельсин.
Бармен даёт мужику апельсин, и мужик снова со всей дури впечатывает апельсин в стену. Бармен не выдерживает и спрашивает:
- А, вы мотоциклист, да?
- Как вы догадались?
- Ну так вы ведь ёбнутый.

My vibrator is named Michael J. Fox.

The best revenge is massive success.

I don't want the feds looking through my files so I named my drive "Hunter Biden's Hard Drive".

"In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them."

- John von Neumann