Dark Humor Haven: Where Laughter Meets the Macabre.

Your whole life is spent gathering people for your funeral.

I've decided I want to be cremated.
Not when I die,
just whenever.
Surprise me.

Suicide is never the answer. Your pets will miss you.

Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

What do whales eat near the Titanic?
Five Guys!!!

My ex husband just texted me, "Wish you were here."

He does that every time he walks through a cemetery.

What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

At my funeral,
Take the bouquet out of my coffin and throw it into the coward.
See who's next!

What lies on the ground 100ft in the air? A dead centipede.

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

He doesn't.

He's dead.

If you lean a corpse against a doorbell, does it end up being a dead ringer for someone ?

What did the deaf , dumb and blind kid get for xmas?????????......
Cancer.

Grandpa's wishes were to be cremated, so we did just that; I think he Urned it.

Did you hear about the cemetery?
When it first opened, people were dying to get in, but now it’s kind of a ghost town.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!

My local crematorium is holding an open day...
...I'm dying to go.

I took my grandfather to one of those fish spas where little fish eat away all the dead skin.
It cost $50 but was still a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Child to his mum
Mummy what is dark humour
Well sweetheart you see that man over there with no arms
No Mummy I'm blind
Exactly.

Dr: Here's the baby
Dad: thank you
Dr: I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
Dad: then give me the one my wife did make...

At my funeral, I’d like a friend to take my cell phone and text everyone,
“Thanks so much for coming!”

I was digging in the back garden when I came across a horde of Viking coins.
I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife.
Until I remembered why I was digging.

I made some delicious soup with my grandma today.

I know traditionally you're supposed to scatter their ashes, but still...

To people who will come to my funeral, Sorry for not being able to offer you a drink.

Friend: I have questions about the human body.

Me: aren’t we a little old for this?

Friend: no I’m talking about the dead one in your freezer.

My wife was so fat when she died that the handles snapped off her coffin.

We had four weldings and a funeral.

What do undertakers like playing?
Casketball.

Decided what I want on my tombstone:

"Where the hell is heaven?"

I like people the way I like my tea...in a bag, underwater.

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandma, until my mom hid the urn from me.

Did you know it's not uncommon to get a boner at a funeral?
.
.
.
It's known as mourning wood.

What do you call a typo on a headstone ?
A grave mistake.

Contrary to popular belief Tattoos are not permanent. They usually rot away a few days after you die.

The cannibal greeted his guests at the door with handshakes.

My Late-Uncle was a Fire Eater.
He only performed once.

Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early, kill people.

It was the inventor of the dishwasher’s funeral today. The coffin was lowered into the ground only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

The tensest funeral I’ve ever been to was for the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

Whats was written on a Dentist's grave?
This is the last cavity I'm going to fill.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

At Grandads Funeral we decided to bury him vertically.
Plot twist.

Doctor: Well Mr Jones, I have some good news and some bad news
Jones: give me the bad news
Doctor: We have to amputate both your legs
Jones: Thats terrible, whats the good news?
Doctor: The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

Sent my dead Duck away to be cremated.
Just received his ashes in the post along with the Bill.

How do people get bodies in a suitcase? It takes me all my time to get 3 shirts and a couple of pairs of pants in!

I used to think of my wife’s parents as being like buried treasure.

The police needed a map and a shovel to find them too....

Most Men will receive their first flowers at their funeral only.

It’s not that I have a problem buying a house on top of a cemetery. I just don’t want to have to take out a second morgue’age.

Tried erotic suffocation on the girlfriend the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it;
She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!

I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

Doctor: "Mr Brown, are you sure you really want to know your test results?"
Patient: "I'm dying to know."
Doctor: "Well funny you should say that . . . . . "

You come from dust and you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I knew.

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other: "I say, Bill, your wife makes a great meal!"

Necrophilia: When you feel the urge to crack open a cold one.

The difference between a Zoo and a Museum is a matter of life and death.

"Mummy, Mummy, I found Daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"

I took my grandma to the fish spa centre where little fish eat your dead skin for only
£20. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

What's got four legs and flies?
A dead horse.

Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.

Some patients are going to die and you have to learn to accept that. It's just part of being a dentist...

How frightened is a skeleton?
Scared to death.

My mom keeps asking me questions like, “when are you going to be famous?” I tell her, “as soon as they find the bodies.”

A new funeral home is being built directly across the street from an existing one. Looks like there will be some stiff competition.

When I die, I request that my remains be scattered around Disney Land.

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

If you die and get cremated, you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

Why don't dinosaurs make good pets?

Because they're dead.

Cannibalism can both solve hunger and overpopulation.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

You come from Dust. You will return to dust. That is why I do not dust. It could be someone I know !

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club.
It was open Mike night.

I recently saw an ad for burial plots. Honestly, that’s the last thing I need.

Cement Company makes Concrete proposal to sacked workers.

I was lying in my driveway thinking "Which of my mates just kicked the jack from under my car?"
The suspension was killing me.

What do you call a typo on a headstone?
A grave mistake.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and then blamed it on the cost of living!!!

my grandad beat my nan to death ,he didnt kill her ,he just died before she did.

Does anyone know how much a crematorium employee urns in a year?

My Dad lost his job at the cemetery after burying someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake

What hits the ground first a leaf or an emo?

The leaf because the rope stops the emo.

A coffin !!!!
That's the last thing I'll need.

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"😜🤣