Hilarious taxi, cabby and passengers jokes !

I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today. I guess you can say he was Van Halen.

I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Cokey and I turned around.

And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the fucking car, pal".

What’s the favorite ride of Scotsmen? Eweber. It’s sheeper than a regular taxi.

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.
He notices the driver staring at him insistently in the rearview mirror.

After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, “Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says “I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"

Driver replies: “No, you eejit! Where are we going??”

What’s the favorite ride of Scotsmen? Eweber. It’s sheeper than a regular taxi.

I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today. I guess you can say he was Van Halen.

Someone jumped in my taxi, pointed to a chap in front and shouted “Follow him”.
I said, “Sure, what’s his twitter handle?”

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

Just so you know, asking a taxi driver how much it would be to get somewhere is absolutely a fare question.

I hailed a taxi, pointed to the car in front and said to the driver "follow him!". He said "Sure, what's his Twitter?"

So I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said:
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'

I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Cokey and I turned around.

And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the fucking car, pal".

I was talking to taxi driver who says he's against same sex marriage.
He's been having the same sex with his wife for 30 yrs.

A friend had an interview for a job a local taxi company. He turned up twenty minutes late, and the chap interviewing him said “the job’s yours.

I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said:
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'

Did you hear about the philosophical taxi driver?
He said, “It’s not the work I enjoy, it’s the people I run into!”

I've got all the qualifications required to be a taxi driver.
I don't speak English and I can't drive.

I went up to the reception of my hotel & said, "Can you call me a taxi?"
The receptionist replied, "Sure, Mr Taxi. Is there anything else?"

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.
I am now in Ireland starting a new life.

I’m in a taxi and there's this guy and girl sitting next to me and all of a sudden the girl lifts up her top, pops out a titty and the guy just starts sucking on her nipples...
they didnt care who sees them and it went on for 5 minutes with lots of witness in the taxi...

the girl is about 27 years old and the guy is about 3-4 months old I think.

Woman takes a taxi. After a while she noticed that she doesn't have her wallet.

*Woman*: „Sorry, but I don't have any money, could I pay somehow else?“

Taxicab drove into dark forest, stopped there, got out of the car and spreaded blanket on ground. >
*Woman*: „No, please, I have 3 kids and a husband.“

*Taxicab*: „And I have 30 rabbits so shut up and start plucking the grass!“

Why are former Stasi agents the best taxi drivers in Berlin?
All you have to do is tell them your name. They already know where you live.

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.
He notices the driver staring at him insistently in the rearview mirror.

After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, “Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says “I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"

Driver replies: “No, you eejit! Where are we going??”

A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasnt staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused for a moment, then told her
“Vell.... M'am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in Da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”
Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.

"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

"I drove a hearse."

A friend had an interview for a job a local taxi company. He turned up twenty minutes late, and the chap interviewing him said “the job’s yours".

Didn’t like being a taxi driver. I was convinced people were talking behind my back.

Someone jumped in my taxi, pointed to a chap in front and shouted “Follow him”. I said, “Sure, what’s his twitter handle?”

A taxi driver sees two bags of crisps strolling along the side of the road. He stops and asks if they need a lift. One says “no thanks, we’re Walkers”.

Went to the taxi driver reunion. Everyone turned up half an hour late.

Another friend quit his job as a taxi driver. He got fed up with people telling him where to go.

My friend always went the extra mile at work. That’s why he lost his job as a taxi driver.

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"
Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he
suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The
husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his
wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The husband puts a
gun to the naked man's head
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."
- HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
- HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
- HE paid for your Football season tickets.
- HE paid for our house at the lake.
- HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
- HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
- And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each
month.
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a
cold !!