Get Your Daily Dose of Laughter with Our Funny One-Liners !

Note to self: These notes to self aren't working.

I date short women so when we break up I can keep my pictures.

If you beat your own record, you’re both a winner and a loser.

Life is ultimately just a 'try-not-to-die' challenge set on impossible difficulty.

To be honest, I don't know what "TBH" or "IDK" mean.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.

A Polish fisherman is a fishing pole.

I wouldn't mind being cloned. Just keep that asshole away from me.

In my life I like to prioritise procrastination.

Take my advice, I'm not using it.

And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

My retirement plan involves getting hit by a car.

I remember when I was young and full of hope. I think it was a Tuesday.

Just remembered National Amnesia Day was yesterday.

My hips don't lie, but the bitch they belong to is a different story.

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

Did you hear about the magician that turned his car into a driveway?

a 31% discount sounds fantastic until u realize u cant afford the remaining 69%.

I am so old I remember when global warming was called summer!

Broke a mirror to insure I'll have seven more years.

I entered a sunbathing competition. I got bronze.

I just laugh stuff off cause prison doesn’t cook the food I like.

Dancing is like standing still, only faster.

A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.

It's important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself why you don't go out.

If you wear granny panties, it's actually illegal for you to give fashion advice.

I do an amazing impression of a normal person. You really can't tell the difference.

Been there, done that... then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

Pornographers will always find a way to fill any niche.

On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't. It's embarrassing.

I only offend stupid people and I'm sorry if that offends you.

I hate Cinco de Mayo said no Juan ever.

You can never dig half a hole.

Panic mode is panic with a scoop of ice cream on top.

I'm a giver with aspirations to be a taker.

My toxic trait is just being myself.

Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.

It's not that I'm not a people person, it's just that I'm not a stupid people person.

If I ever sound inspirational, one of us is drunk.

If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you.

My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.

We all deserve morning sex and pancakes.

Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

Buying her a toolbox for her birthday so she can fix her attitude .

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn't think she knew about.

69% of people will find something sexual in this sentence!

I wanna get kidnapped to see if I’m smart enough to escape.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.

The first rule of Paradox Club, is that there is no Paradox Club.

I tried to get into hypnosis school, but failed the en-trance exam.

So poligamy is just a marry go round.

The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.

I was going to run for president of the local pessimist group but I didn't think I would win.

A reality tv contest between two cartoonists ended in a draw.

I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening and have to start over.

Those who teach about eyes have pupils.

Life is like a river with beavers living in it. It's just one dam thing after another.

I've been played so much , I'm now available on play store.