Ironic Jokes: Laugh Your Way Through Life's Twists & Turns.

I treat people the way I want to be treated…by not talking to them.

"Our temporary solution to a temporary problem has become a permanent problem."

Me "I sold my soul for inconceivable powers"
Her "Cool. What powers?"
Me "They're inconceivable so I have no way of knowing."

Usually, the people with the best advice are the ones with the most problems.

Sometimes I look at emails I’ve written and I can’t believe I’am pretending to be this professional.

I meant to behave but there were just so many options.

What's the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

This chapter of my life is called 'at least the rent is paid'.

The loudest word ever shouted is the word "quiet".

To the teachers that told me I'd never amount to much in life.
Lucky guess.

Never underestimate an underachiever, we're capable of less than you think.

I'm so poor, when someone stole my identity it ruined their life.

I told her to text me when she got home.

She must be homeless .

I've been repeating the same mistakes for so long now, I may as well call them traditions.

Note to self: these notes to self don't work.

My exit plan is to die.

Nothing makes you sweat like remembering you didn't put on deodorant.

If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.

I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

If your problem can't be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn't come to me for help.

My biggest fear is that reincarnation is real and I come back as my self..

People who talk to themselves are smarter.
.
At least, that's what I tell myself.

Being handsome is so difficult
Imagine girls not looking at you cuz they're shy.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

When you talk to yourself, at least one person is listening...

I hope...

I'm ageing like a fine wine
In a basement, untouched.

I made a rocking chair today.

It wasnt meant to rock, Im just terrible at woodwork.

I need to learn the rules to make sure I don't accidentally follow them.

I sexually identify as a microwave meal.
I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise.

And, I was right.

I remember when I used to be broke... I'm still broke, that's why I remember it so well.

There is no such thing as a dirty mind.

Just a sense of humor with adult content.

The recipe said, "Prick with a fork"..
.....but enough about me.

I'm going to be like everyone I know...a Nonconformist....

I'm so old..
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner,

because Im ready in 5 minutes,

look nothing like my photos,

and Im just satisfying enough for you to want me again

when youre desperate...

“What’s nice about having an engineering degree is everybody thinks you are smart.”
—Ato Essandoh

Just once I'd like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave".

If anyone could do it, it wouldn't be called PROcrastination.

If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies.

My favorite sex position is crying alone in the bathroom.

Been there, done that... then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

I never found a problem I can't make worse.

Someone told me that I will never forget them.

Now I can't remember who said that to me.

I don’t break the rules, I just modify them to suit my needs.

I've always considered myself to be an amazing lover.
Then I found out that she had asthma.

I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the “Why aren’t you wearing pants?” look.

After three months of drinking warm water with lemon and honey, I lost 5 kg of lemon and 2 kg honey.

'm such an introvert that if I ever have to draw attention I draw it on paper.

If half the population really are introverts...... why haven't I met any?

What's the difference between a man and a child?
The child can be left alone with the babysitter.

I’m more confused than a Chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate!

I never remind people of their flaws... unless I'm losing an argument.

Dating me is fun. You get a comedian, a mental patient and a pornstar all in one.

I've given up trying to convince people that I'm not a quitter…

I AM IMMORTAL!

and will be till the day I die.

Worry works! 99% of the things I worry about never happen.

Most of my bad decisions are made late at night. Also in the morning and afternoon.

Sometimes my age is really inappropriate for my behavior!

My desire to be well informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

If I look like I have my shit together that’s good you bought that.

Your secrets are safe with me. Mostly because my memory is shit and I hate everyone.

Its sad when people cant admit their faults. I would if I had any...

I don't know what the problem is, but I know it's not me. I'm amazing.

I do not gossip... I pass things along... It's like a public service.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself of the reasons why you don’t go out of the house.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I don't trip or stumble. Never have. I do what's called "random gravity checks." All good today so far.

Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great.
I know this is too much for some of you,so here is a shortcut: Just think about me.

Respect people who wear glasses... they paid money to see you.

If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.

I woke up this morning with a strong sense of déjà vu. That's never happened to me before.

I have the body of a car that has its Check Engine light on at all times.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I made a rocking chair today.
It wasnt meant to rock, Im just terrible at woodwork.

As a kid I was so unathletic the only thing I could catch was a cold.

I wanted to get together a group of people to synchronize all our clocks and watches, but we couldn't agree on a time.

Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then!