Brilliant Absurd, ridiculous, and grotesque jokes.

I don't remember which of the great ones said it, and I don't remember what either. But this statement must have greatly influenced my worldview.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

I have like 50 wooden balls already.

I answered the door this morning.

Felt like a complete idiot when I realized it hadnt said anything...

"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot"

"So you can knot?"

"No I cannot knot"

"Not knot"

"Who's there?"

Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job. Now he’s just a handyman.

What’s big and white and can’t climb trees?

A fridge.

I always list 911 as my emergency contact number. I hear they're the best!

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.

I must have a chess infection.

I asked my dog if he had any summer vacation plans. He replied, "I'm just gonna stay pawsitive and chase my tail. Who needs a tropical destination when I have this built-in amusement park?"

I felt compelled to buy an air fryer today…I don’t even like fried air but it was a really good deal.

I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it.

A broken clock isn't right twice a day if you break it into small enough pieces.

Humans can't hear a dog whistle, because dogs can't whistle.

"I'd like some kielbasa please."

"Are you Polish?"

"What does my nationality have to do with it?"

"This is Home Depot."

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

Woman: Oh, are they twins?
Me: No, they're triplets, we leave the ugly one at home...

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It's not what it looks like!

What can a whole orange do a half one cannot?

Look round.

I often say to myself, “I can't believe that cloning machine worked!”

I saw the electric pencil sharpeners in Staples but failed to find the electric pencils.

“I need a battery, please.”

“Is it for a clock?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery.”

The more I understand people, the more I don't understand people.

Tired of being single, so I went to see a matchmaker today.

Left with a box of matches.

"What's with all these feline creatures flying over my house?"
"Oh, I was testing out my catapult."

A friend of mine brought over an invisible plant he had in a jar. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

How can you tell a Parrot isn't telling the truth? It fails a pollygraph test.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

If I don’t care at all, I couldn’t care less. If I could care less, then I care a little already.

I’ve finally completed the first item on my bucket list.
- I have the bucket!

I love to give homemade gifts.

Which one of my kids do you want?

The sign said, "Wet Paint", so I poured my water bottle out on it. Currently awaiting further instructions.

What do you call a fish who is wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

A contortionist who is also a fortune teller saw her own end.

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

I just got a job at an airline as a baggage handler,man,they really have a lot of baggage here.

I hate swimming when it rains. I get all wet.

My umbrella broke in Half.
But it’s ok there’s only a fifty percent chance of rain .

I went to the hardware store to buy some nails, the assistant asked how long do i want them? Well i want to keep them, i replied.

My wife told me that after this next load she is never doing laundry again.

She threw in the towel.

Yesterday I got a tattoo at a temporary tattoo shop. When I woke up the tattoo was still on my arm! I just went down there to complain and the shop’s gone!

A child reported that when the fireman came down the ladder, he was pregnant.
He was carrying a baby.

So this fella came up behind me, pushed a large key into my back and started turning it.

I said to him "Are you trying to wind me up?

A man walked into an auto parts store and asked, “Do you have universal joints?”
The clerk said, “No, but I can wiggle my ears!”

Went to a garage sale, started measuring the garage to see if it would fit with my new yard.

I took my dog to the park today and played Frisbee with him...
He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

I pulled my hair into a ponytail today, but the pony kicked me and galloped away.

So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?"
And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."

I found that it was hard to get an egg over easy. The darn egg wouldn't cooperate.

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

So anyone know where I can get fresh ice cubes...?

I don't want any of those frozen ones.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized.
I don't even have a coconut.

I went to see an acupuncturist today. When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

My twin brother forgot my birthday.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

Ive never seen the inside of my ears...
But I’ve heard good things.

I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself...
I should really get a dog.

I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted: This is a stick up!

I got a tattoo from a temporary tattoo parlor. It's been over a month and the tattoo is still there.
When I went back to complain, the place was gone.

A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road”.

I bought Coconut Shampoo today.

But when I got home, I realized I don't even have a coconut.

I gave my friend an apple, and he told me he preferred pears.

So I gave him another apple.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Me "Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?"
Waiter "we were worried the other birds would drown."

Having pizza for dinner tonight. I told them to cut it into six pieces, because I don’t think I can eat eight.

A piece of luggage was recently found in the middle of the desert. Authorities believe this was just an isolated case.

I'm not an organ donor. Heck I don't even own a piano.

A radio station said to call their hotline to win a prize.
All I got was a burnt hand.

Me: I put the “man” in “mannequin.”

Target Manager: I’m calling security.

Frank was skydiving for the first time. He couldn't open his chute.
As he looked down he saw a guy in an apron flying up towards him.
Frank: Hey! Do you know how to open a parachute?
Guy: No! Do you know how to light a barbecue?

I applied for a job in a butcher’s shop over a month ago now but I still haven’t heard from them. No phone call, no text, no email.
Not a sausage.

A woman walks into a library and asks for a book about curiosity. The librarian says "why do you want that"?

The internet is great because it gives everyone a voice. It also sucks because it gives everyone a voice.

I'm thankful for the Foo Fighters because I've never felt threatened by a foo and that means they're doing a heck of a job on the frontlines.

Turned up to
the barbers with
hare on my head.
They said
"Sorry, we don't
do rabbits"

WIFE: I'm concerned about my husband, for the past few days he's been seeing spots!

FRIEND: Has he seen a doctor?"

WIFE: No, just spots.

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing"

A chap goes to the doctor and says “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth”. The doctor says, “have you seen a psychiatrist?” The man says “no, just a werewolf”.

Roses are red
Violets are potato
This poem doesn't rhyme
Toaster

When I got married my Dad gave me a single bit of wisdom.

Even when you win the argument with your wife, you've lost.