Dad Jokes: Laugh, Cringe and Share with the Family!

Son: Happy Father's Day!

Dad: “And a happy Sunday to you!”

I quit my terrible job at the candy store.

So long, suckers!

Why did the dog get arrested?

He had unpaid barking tickets.

I just ate a frozen apple.

Hardcore.

What is a really loud color?

YELLow.

What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven Cs.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

It was having window panes.

My son's fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn't recognize him at first.

I'd never seen him be 4.

My dad always told me I should marry an Egyptian woman.

He said they make great mummies.

Not many people know this but I actually studied dad jokes in college.

I majored in sighchology.

Being an airport baggage handler is more complicated than I thought.

There's a lot to take on board.

What do you call a parrot in Antarctica?

A brrrrrd.

I met a man named Mr. Ippy. His wife is Mrs. Ippy.

I entered a fancy dress competition as a giraffe and came second.
I didn't win but at least I could hold my head high.

My friend’s old cat has stopped catching rats. Is it fur-giveness on the part of the feline or a compro-mice?

Asteroids are just the letter "A" on steroids.

My little son asked me where you find giant snails? Easy, on giant’s fingers.

Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow that’s the worse case of parking sons disease I’ve come across.

Where do rabbits go after they get married ? On a bunnymoon !

"Dad!! Can you help me out?"

"Sure! Which way did you come in?”

How does a train drink?
They chugga chugga.
How does a train eat?
They chew chew.
Did you know trains can't fart, but they sometimes toot?
So, how does a train hear?
With their engineer!

What do you call a little building?
Small.

Why did the orange stop half way up the hill? It ran out of juice.

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow?…

2 animals that are in a baaaaaddd mmoooooD.

Did you know that humpbacks don't actually cry underwater?
They Whale!!

How do you cover footwear for damages?
You take out inshoerance.

I'm jus' politely saying that if a crow wakes you up, is that considered a, well, is that considered a wake up caw??

"The grass is wet," said Tom after dew consideration.

My wife: Why don’t you stop telling terrible Dad jokes and write a book instead? Me: That’s...... a novel idea.

Why do bees buzz?
Because they can’t whistle.

What would bears be without bees? Just ears.

How can you tell if rabbits are getting old? You find grey hares.

What did one Astronaut say to other Astronaut -

Let's have Launch.

I’ve just heard that vandals have stolen the F from the Funfair sign in our town. Now that is just unfair.

How do clothes get along?
Fit in.

Q: What do Vikings play when they’re on a long journey?
A: Cards – because they always have a deck.

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide".
Kid: "What???"
Dad: "Hide... a cows outside".
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow..."

My little son asked me where you find giant snails? Easy, on giant’s fingers.

In which Indian city do people always leave their mother?
Mumbai.

Were there any great men born in this town?
No only little babies.

Why are Elephants so wrinkled.?
Because silly,they take to long to iron.!

Dad: "I'm not asleep, I'm resting my eyes.
Me: "Hi resting my eyes... I'm son"

Q: How do clocks communicate?
A: They tock to each other.

The little old lady who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner; there were strings attached.

I just dropped a box of berries on my foot,
now I cranberry walk.

What are hot dogs called in winter?
Chilly dogs.

What colour are submarines? Deep Navy.

How did the hen feel on Monday? Eggshausted!

How do you make time go fast on Monday? Throw a clock!

What did the cashew say on Monday morning? Monday always drives me nuts!

Dad: Someone here is possessed by an Owl.

Son: Who?
Dad: Mhmm guess we found it

Rather than replace the laces I lost in a wash, I'm going to buy velcro for my shoes. Why knot?

“Every time you light a lighter,the lighter the lighter is”.

The term
"Dad Bod"
is so offensive
I prefer...
"Father Figure"

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my dad said that wasn't going to fly.

My son video called me this morning. He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name than video?"

The hiking shop employs people from all walks of life.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shift?

A flat miner.

Wife:(from kitchen)"You want chicken wings?"
Him:(yells back)"No I want...😎...brave wings!!"
Her:"What?"
Him:"What?"

What do sheep wear to bed?
Baaajamas.

How did Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
He had a whale of a time!

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Hey Doc! Can you throw an extra stitch in there?
First joke immediately after becoming a Dad for the first time.

Dad - Hey! You know how to count to three in Roman numerals?
Family member - I, II, III...?
Dad - You don't have to stutter, just say you don't know!

A dragon would never explode but a dino might.

What’s the best way to count cows?
With a cowculator.

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!

"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."

Dad holding up
a chunk of lettuce on his fork:
You may think this is a wedge of lettuce, but it’s really just the tip of the iceberg!

What mammal serves in the military? An Armydillo.

My son wouldn’t stop climbing over the back of the boat so I gave him a stern warning.

When a dad joke has been around a long time does it become a grandpa joke?

My dad always insisted on feeding me alphabet soup…it wasn’t till years later I realised he was just putting words into my mouth.

what do you call a crying cow?
mooody.

Dad's do NOT snore! We simply dream we're a motorcycle.

How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.

How do you train to be a pirate?
You have to attend a semin-arrrgh.

What kind of house weighs the least?
A lighthouse.

Dad: Do you know the word STOP?
Kid: Yes
Dad: Spell it
Kid: S-T-O-P
Dad: IT. I asked you to spell IT