Hilarious Family Jokes for All Ages | Share Laughter Today!

My daughter just graduated from law school...

Now she’s my daughter in law.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, "I can't pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!"

My son kept using his extra-loud whistle inside the house.

I gave him one last chance, but unfortunately he blew it.

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

My mother always said that she didn’t have a favourite child..

Which is pretty rough, because I have no siblings.

The outfits I wear to drop my son off at school are designed to help him build character

Once you’re a parent, all plans you make are just tentative until they’re happening

Two things I am thankful for:
1: Family and friends.
2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.

When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.

Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.

My son: I got a D in my math

Me: That's really bad

My wife: You need to stop doing his homework

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.

Parents first say sex is bad and later ask for grandchildren.

The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work.

My aunt Mary always came over to our house without telling us in advance.
We called her Mary Pop-ins.

My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

How does 69 differ from a family reunion?
During 69, you only see 1 asshole!

6yr old Daughter: “Daddy, what is 69?”
Daddy: “It’s just a number dear.”
Daughter: “It’s no wonder Mommy left you!”

What do you call children born from incest?

Gross Domestic Product.

For several years on Saturday I took my family to the Farmers’ Market.
- But I haven’t sold one of them yet!

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I'm less and less related to some of my relatives.

I hated it when my mom dressed my brother and me in the same clothes when we were kids.
We could hardly walk.

My brother is a carpenter. He tried to fasten two pieces of wood together. He screwed up first and then he nailed it.

My parents are having custody battle right now. My mom’s argument to the judge is that she gave birth to me. My dad said...
I was his little squirt.

What do you call a redneck orgy?
A family reunion.

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

My brother moved from job to job at the pillow factory. He’s finally settling down.

Apparently I’m a twin. Mom said she has a picture of when I was two.

My dad told me that when he was young, he once had to miss class because of hypothermia.

Said he was too cool for school.

My grandmother just reached 105.

That's the last fu**ing time I get in the car when she's late for bingo!

I was fighting with my wife when she said..."Your family isn't even human! They're more like a venereal disease!" I told her, "You better not say that to my sis, Phyllis!!

My mom just sent me a text message saying "Call me ASAP!"

That is just too weird for me. I think I'll just stick to calling her "Mom"...

My uncle polished floors for a living. When he met my aunt, he really took a shine to her.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

So excited. My parents gifted me a parcel of land.
That means a lot.

My sister asked me if I want to get married someday. I said, “No! - You’re my sister!”

His mother and father switched genders;
The reason was...
Transparent.

My son wants half of my Father’s Day gifts.

He said if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be a father.

What would you call a child born to bi parents?
A byproduct.

I told my grandma that WTF means “Wow, That’s Fantastic”. Her texts are funny as hell now!!

There was once a cannibal who had two wives and ate kids.

My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son. She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

Parenting these days is hard...

like trying to teach your kid that vagina isn't a dirty word

but it's not something to name a pet that you might have to yell for outside.

I asked my sister, “Why is it you always have money and I’m always broke?”

She said, “Because I have a husband and you have a wife.”

Dad : Who do u like more, mum or dad?
Son : Both
Dad : Okay, if I go to Malaysia and your mum goes to Dubai , where will you go?
Son : Dubai
Dad : That shows u love your mum more?
Son : No, it shows i love Dubai more than Malaysia
Dad : Okay, if i go to Dubai and your mum goes to Malaysia , where will u go?
Son : Malaysia
Dad : Replied angrily, why?
Son :🤣🤣🤣🤣why the anger, I chose Malaysia because I have been to Dubai before
Dad : When did you go to Dubai ?
Son : During the first question

- Daddy, will I ever have free time?
-No son, we are engineers.

My family branded me as a failure. Then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now.

If my cousin marries your cousin, that makes us cousins in law. See, it’s a matter of relative-ity

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.

“Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: Watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."
— Stephen Colbert

My wife wanted to disgrace me in front of her parents that I'm not good in sex.
But her sister shouted
" It's A Lie ".

Your family tree must look like a cactus... everybody on it is a prick.

My uncle was a firefighter. He just retired after an extinguished career.

Everyone in my entire family is a Gemini. The chances of that happening are astrological.

My niece calls me Ankle. I call her my Knees. That's how we go out on a limb in my family.

My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...
It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.

My niece calls me Ankle.

I call her my Knees.

When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me.
I was never scared though, I loved disco music.

When i was little i wanted to be a babysitter
but then i got a baby sister.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.
We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.

Porn is Fake ASF
I tried seducing my stepmom, now I’m homeless.

Kid: I'll be good if you pay me a dollar!

Mom: Why can't you be like your dad and be good for nothing?

My grandparents fought during the Vietnam War.

They ended up getting a divorce

My dad hated me when I was a kid. I remember asking him if I could go ice skating on the lake and he said maybe when it gets a little warmer.

My nephew is an intern at a marijuana dispensary.
He has high hopes for the future.

My daughter just revealed to me she's transexual... I guess that makes me transparent.

The best years of my life was spent in the arms of another mans wife.

Thanks Mum.

My mum doesn’t trust my dad’s secretary. I asked her why, and she just said “I’ve seen her type before”.

My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me. So I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.

My grandad always said

Dont believe everything you hear

It was great advice...

I think...

Son: Dad, for $20 I will be good.
Dad: Oh yeah! When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

Lately had a vasectomy so I wouldn’t have kids. Got home and they were still there!

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Got home from work today to find my kids had been on eBay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow, I will lower the price.

My parents didn’t earn much money when I was growing up, so we had to live in a teapot.
I know what you’re thinking, pour me.

You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.

We feed our baby onions so we can find him in the dark at night.