Smokin' Laughs: The Ultimate Collection of Smoker's Jokes.

How did the pirate quit smoking?
He used the patch.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. ~ Mark Twain

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy.
I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking.

He: “Do you smoke after sex?”
She: “I don’t know. I’ve never looked.”

People say I have no will power.

But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

Tobacco chewers have spit personalities.

I once had a dog that was born without legs. So I named him Cigarette.
Everyday I'd take him out for a drag.

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy.
I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking.

Why don't socks smoke?.........
The can't find a match.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife. I usually only smoke Marlboro, but hey...a deal’s a deal.

Dinosaurs never smoked and now they're all dead.

For our upcoming event, formal dress is required but no smoking allowed.
So remember:
clothes but no cigar!

How did the pirate quit smoking?
He used the patch.

Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes off your student loan debt.

Me when I was younger: I’ll never drink or smoke.
Me now: I probably won’t do crack.

The most challenging part of being a chain smoker is lighting the chain.

Always coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

If smoking's not allowed at my funeral I'm not going!

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
"You're too young to smoke."

3 guys on a boat with 4 cigars but nothing to light them with. So they throw 1 cigar overboard & the boat becomes a cigar lighter.

Q. If nonsmokers do not enjoy smoking, then what do they enjoy?
A. A good whine.

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

If cigarette tax is to discourage smoking, is income tax to discourage working?

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

Right, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector."

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus.
RIP uncle Jim.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?? You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

Two Edith and Marie were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Marie: What's that? Edith: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Marie: Where did you get it? Edith: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Marie: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"

I was about to smoke weed with a Mexican girl. Until I asked her if she had papers and she ran off.

Yo momma is like a cigarette, I have her 40 times a day and she's killing me.

- How can you tell a brunette is really a natural blonde?
- She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards… The steaks were pretty high.

He: “Do you smoke after sex?”
She: “I don’t know. I’ve never looked.”

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.” The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, “Can I have some of your cookies?” Little Johnny replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” His grandpa replied, “It most certainly can!” Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

- What kind of cigarettes does a hippie smoke?
- Yours.

- What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
- Stop and apply lubrication.

I quit smoking ’cause I want to live, and now that I’m not smoking, I don’t want to live anymore.
~ Gregg Rogell

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ~ Fletcher Knebel

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. ~ Mark Twain