Murphy's Laws: The Ultimate Guide to Life's Inevitable Humor.

Kerr-Martin Law:
In dealing with their own problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives.
In dealing with other people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

Kettering's Laws:
If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

Key to Status: S = D/K. S is the status of a person in an organization, D is the number of doors he must open to perform his job, and K is the number of keys he carries. A higher number denotes higher status. Thus the janitor needs to open 20 doors and has 20 keys (S = 1), a secretary has to open two doors with one key (S = 2), but the president never has to carry any keys since there is always someone around to open doors for him (with K = 0 and a high D, his S reaches infinity).

Kharasch's Institutional Imperative: Every action or decision of an institution must be intended to keep the institution machinery working.
Corollary: The expert judgment of an institution, when the matter involved concerns continuation of the institution's operations, is totally predictable, and hence the finding is totally worthless.

Kirkland's Law: The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

Kitman's Law: On the TV screen, pure drivel tends to drive off ordinary drivel.

Klipstein's Lament: All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Klipstein's Observation: Any product cut to length will be too short.

Klipstein's Law of Specifications: In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.

Klipstein's Laws: Applied to General Engineering:

A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application made by an independent worker.
Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Applied to Prototyping and Production:
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty to assemble.
If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in stock.
A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
A failsafe circuit will destroy others.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough, and only long enough, to pass incoming inspection.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

Knoll's Law of Media Accuracy: Everything you read in the newspapers is absolutely true except for that rare story of which you happen to have firsthand knowledge.

Knowles's Law of Legislative Deliberation: The length of debate varies inversely with the complexity of the issue.
Corollary: When the issue is trivial, and everyone understands it, debate is almost interminable.

Kohn's Second Law: Any experiment is reproducible until another laboratory tries to repeat it.

Koppett's Law: Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest number must happen.

Korman's conclusion: The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.

Kristol's Law: Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want.

Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Labor Law: A disagreeable law is its own reward.

First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

LaCombe's Rule of Percentages: The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25 percent or 80-90 percent.
Corollary (Dudenhoefer) An answer of 50 percent will suffice for the 40-60 range.

Langin's Law: If things were left to chance, they'd be better.

Langsam's Law: Everything depends.

Lani's Principles of Economics:
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 by which time it will be worth nothing.
In God we trust; all others pay cash.

La Rochefoucauld's Law: It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them.

Law of Late-Comers: Those who have the shortest distance to travel invariably arrive latest.

Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom.

Lawyer's Rule: When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.

Leahy's Law: If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
Corollary: Volume is a defense to error.

Le Chatelier's Law: If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium, the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to undo the effect of the stress.

Lenin's Law: Whenever the cause of the people is entrusted to professors, it is lost.

Le Pelley's Law: The bigger the man, the less likely he is to object to caricature.

Les Miserables Metalaw: All laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be obeyed to the letter.

Levy's Ten Laws of the Disillusionment of the True Liberal:

Large numbers of things are determined, and therefore not subject to change.
Anticipated events never live up to expectations.
That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
Always pray that your opposition be wicked. In wickedness there is a strong strain toward rationality. Therefore there is always the possibility, in theory, of handling the wicked by outthinking them.
Corollary 1: Good intentions randomize behavior.
Corollary 2: Good intentions are far more difficult to cope with than malicious intent.
Corollary 3: If good intentions are combined with stupidity, it is impossible to outthink them.
Corollary 4: Any discovery is more likely to be exploited by the wicked than applied by the virtuous.
In unanimity there is cowardice and uncritical thinking.
To have a sense of humor is to be a tragic figure.
To know thyself is the ultimate form of aggression.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
Only God can make a random selection.
Eternal boredom is the price of constant vigilance.

Lewis's Laws:
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

Liebling's Law: If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

Lilly's Metalaw: All laws are simulations of reality.

Lloyd-Jones's Law of Leftovers: The amount of litter on the street is proportional to the local rate of unemployment.

Law of Local Anesthesia: Never say "oops" in the operating room.

(F)law of Long-Range Planning: The longer ahead you plan a special event, and the more special it is, the more likely it is to go wrong.

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Los Angeles Dodgers Law: Wait till last year.

Law of the Lost Inch: In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:40 p.m. on Friday.
Corollaries:
Under the same conditions, if any minor dimensions are given to sixteenths of an inch, they cannot be totalled at all.
The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 a.m. on Monday.

Lowrey's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Lowrey's Law of Expertise: Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

Lubin's Law: If another scientist thought your research was more important than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what you are doing.

Luce's Law: No good deed goes unpunished.

Lucy's Law: The alternative to getting old is depressing.

Luten's Laws:
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.

Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

Lyon's Law of Hesitation: He who hesitates is last.

Madison's Question: If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first-class?

Rev. Mahaffy's Observation: There's no such thing as a large whiskey.

Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries:
The bigger the theory, the better.
The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. (Compensation Corollary)

Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Malinowski's Law: Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic.

Malloy's Maxim: The fact that monkeys have hands should give us pause.