Grammar Nazi Jokes: Delight in Comedic Linguistic Gems.

I wanted to buy my friend a meaningful birthday gift, so I bought her a dictionary.

Let’s eat kids.
Let’s eat, kids.
Use a comma, save lives.

I told my wife "You need to do more housework!"
She replied "Please change the subject?"
I said "More housework needs to be done by you."

My teacher asked me to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail.

When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.

What do you call a friendship between punctuation?
Commaraderie.

Steps for surviving on a dessert island:
1. Check spelling.
2. If correct, enjoy.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

If you break the laws of grammar you must pay the syntax.

The word ‘swims’ is still ‘swims’ upside down.

What's the difference between a Seal
and a Sea lion?

ion.

I live like I type.
Fast and with lots of miskates!

She texted me: "your adorable."
I replied: "no, YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.

A noun and a verb were dating but they split up because the noun was too possessive.

Did you ever notice that the word 'nun' is just the letter n doing a forward roll?

If you can’t win a social media argument you can always correct they’re grammar.

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

The final four letters in the word “queue” aren’t silent...

...thry’re just waiting their turn.

There should be at least one "i" in cyclops.

Why is there no "i" in eye?.....
Y is there, no "i" in eye...

Why is there an L in Noel?

I used to have trouble with grammatical tenses, but not yet.

My mom bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.

I couldn't find the words to thank her.

Go ahead and pronounce the "g" in lasagna. Nothin' matters anymore.

Because one liners are so short, accurate spelling is vital.

There's very little margarine for error.

I once typed witch instead of which. It was a spelling mistake.

For those struggling with English:
Don't = Do Not
Won't = Wo Not
You're welcome.

If the plural of mouse is mice,
How come the plural of spouse isn't spice?

I looked in the dictionary to find out how to spell the word 'incorrect'.

They spelled it the same as me but then they said it was wrong.

Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Hyphenated
Non-hyphenated.

Correct me if I’m rong.

Why are they called "Buildings"?
Shouldn't they be called "Builts"?

I know my grammar is terrible.
Grandpa was even worse.

I hate people who use the same word twice in a sentence!...
Enough is enough!

Is it pronounced either or either ?

English can be a terror for us non native speakers!

Fingers have fingertips. Toes don't have toetips yet we can tiptoe!

There's a new superhero in town Typoman, he goes about writing wrongs.

If you’re illiterate you have to judge a book by it’s cover.

Just found the worst page in the dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I find oxymorons can be very bittersweet.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: A coworker once said "suppos-ably" seven times in a meeting, and I just let her.
St. Peter: Get in here.

Every dictionary has at least 1 mistake. It's in the "m" section, after "mist".

So what if I can't spell armurgegin.

It's not the end of the world.

Really annoys me when people don't finish their

What’s the difference between marmelade and jam?
I only know how to spell Jam.

It’s ok if you want to correct my grammar. I won’t think any fewer of you.

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.

Deciding what to give someone for their birthday makes me "present" tense.

You are only likely to see this letter 🆃 once in a 🅻🅸🅵🅴🆃🅸🅼🅴

What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick is hanging out!

What's the best letter to have in summer? Iced T.

I was doing a crossword earlier... 7 ACROSS: 'Not very manageable'
CH_L_ENGING
It wasn't difficult.

‘Laughter’ has an ‘L’ and then much ‘aughter’.

Dad: What annoys you most, son?
Son: Nouns.
Dad: Nouns???
Son: Yeah...People, Places & Things.

I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence. I mean .. enough is enough!!

"Dad, what's a preposition?"
"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron... which is ironic.

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u.

I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.
I mean it's not rocket surgery!

Is buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart?

People who confuse entomology and etymology bug me more than I can put into words.

A bomb has been discovered hidden inside a can of alphabetti spaghetti...if that had gone off it could have spelt disaster.

I don’t like the letter ‘n’. It always has to be the centre of attention.

The comma sutra makes grammar sexy.

Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.

I before e, except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.

How do you comfort a grammar snob? “There, their, they’re.”

The passive voice is to be avoided.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses.

Double negatives are a big no-no.

I’m so adjective, I verb noun.

What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.

What’s the difference between cats and a comma? Cats have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.

What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!

A teacher asked the class to give a word that contains all the vowels. The twins in the back facetiously said, "Simultaneously!"

The teacher then asked the class to give a word with all the vowels in alphabetical order. The twins simultaneously responded, "Facetiously!"

"What is the only word that English teachers will always spell wrong?"
...
...
...
"Wrong."

"I’ll never date an apostrophe again. He was so possessive."