Random joke about NOTHING:

Ability has nothing to do with opportunity.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Funny jokes about NOTHING collection.

Selected jokes about NOTHING:

Chillin': The art of doing nothing without being bored.

The Women's Dictionary
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

Taking nothing personal is self-care.

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

More jokes about NOTHING...

Libertarians are often accused of being utopian, but nothing is more utopian than the idea that government will limit itself.

In science, a failed experiment is nothing but a new direction.

Expect nothing and you will receive it in abundance.

People compare me to Chris Hemsworth. They say I look nothing like him.

I quit my job as a town crier.

It was nothing to shout about.

There is nothing better than having a coworker who can reply to your sarcasm with more sarcasm instead of getting offended.

Depression: “lets just do nothing today”

Anxiety: “but what if we do that WRONG?”

Conspiracy Theorist: Nothing more than a derogatory title used to dismiss a critical thinker.

I sexually identify as a microwave meal! I’m ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures!

"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government

I was becoming more and more frustrated while looking for assistance in the phone book. The first three florists I called knew nothing about flooring.

When two people Love each other, there is nothing that's impossible.. Except deciding where to Eat.

For those who know nothing about pleasing a woman:
The G-spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'.

I sexually identify as a microwave meal.
I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling. She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."

The police knocked on my door this morning.
"Do the letters H.B mean anything to you?" they asked.
"No," I said.
"What about G.D. then?"
"Nope means nothing to me," I said
"How about A.J?"
"Look," I said, "am I suspected of something?"
"Not at all sir," they said, "we're just making some initial inquiries."

When a person says they will pray for you, they are basically saying they will do nothing for you.

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner,

because Im ready in 5 minutes,

look nothing like my photos,

and Im just satisfying enough for you to want me again

when youre desperate...

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Stephens's Soliloquy: Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it.

Robertson's Law: Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Laws of Procrastination:

Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed the deadline).
It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected given the limited time.
Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies the stress.
Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties can be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done.

Perelman's Point: There is nothing like a good painstaking survey full of decimal points and guarded generalizations to put a glaze like a Sung vase on your eyeball.

Parker's Law of Political Statements: The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility, and vice versa.

O'Brien's Rule: Nothing is ever done for the right reason.

Michehl's Theorem: Less is more.
Pastore's Comment on Michehl's Theorem: Nothing is ultimate.

Luten's Laws:
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

First Postulate of Isomorphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

Golden Principle: Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.

Gallois's Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

Freeman's Law: Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.

Eliot's Observation: Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.

Durant's Discovery: One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Donsen's Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.

Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Cohen's Laws of Politics:

Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.

Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.

Cheops's Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs:

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
I'd rather go whoring than warring.
History proves nothing.
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
A little humility is arrogance.
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.

Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much
Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

If there is nothing left, is it alright?

A plumber is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!

So do nudists look in their wardrobe and think to themselves...

`I've absolutely nothing to wear?'

There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to sooth the soul . Even if it’s cold . Over ice.with a celery stalk . And vodka

q: why did the U.S. Bobsled team name there sled Biden?

a: because nothing has taken America downhill faster!

I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night.

They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

I love women's forums, because no one cares about corruption, the dollar, terrorism ... Nothing cares there if it does not cause cracks on nipples.

Prayer is like masturbation, it makes you feel good but does absolutely nothing for the person you're thinkin about.

More jokes about nothing on the following pages...