Random joke about NOTHING:


“I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again —”
— Georgia O’Keeffe

Funny jokes about NOTHING collection.



Selected jokes about NOTHING:


A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎


There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.


I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."


A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."



More jokes about NOTHING...


Conspiracy Theorist: Nothing more than a derogatory title used to dismiss a critical thinker.


I sexually identify as a microwave meal! I’m ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures!


"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government


I was becoming more and more frustrated while looking for assistance in the phone book. The first three florists I called knew nothing about flooring.


When two people Love each other, there is nothing that's impossible.. Except deciding where to Eat.


For those who know nothing about pleasing a woman:
The G-spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'.


I sexually identify as a microwave meal.
I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.


My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling. She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."


The police knocked on my door this morning.
"Do the letters H.B mean anything to you?" they asked.
"No," I said.
"What about G.D. then?"
"Nope means nothing to me," I said
"How about A.J?"
"Look," I said, "am I suspected of something?"
"Not at all sir," they said, "we're just making some initial inquiries."


When a person says they will pray for you, they are basically saying they will do nothing for you.


I sexually identify as a microwave dinner,

because Im ready in 5 minutes,

look nothing like my photos,

and Im just satisfying enough for you to want me again

when youre desperate...


Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.


Stephens's Soliloquy: Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it.


Robertson's Law: Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.


Laws of Procrastination:

Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed the deadline).
It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected given the limited time.
Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies the stress.
Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties can be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done.


Perelman's Point: There is nothing like a good painstaking survey full of decimal points and guarded generalizations to put a glaze like a Sung vase on your eyeball.


Parker's Law of Political Statements: The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility, and vice versa.


O'Brien's Rule: Nothing is ever done for the right reason.


Michehl's Theorem: Less is more.
Pastore's Comment on Michehl's Theorem: Nothing is ultimate.


Luten's Laws:
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.


First Postulate of Isomorphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.


Golden Principle: Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.


Gallois's Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.


Freeman's Law: Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.


Eliot's Observation: Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.


Durant's Discovery: One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.


Donsen's Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.


Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.


Cohen's Laws of Politics:

Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.


Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.


Cheops's Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.


Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs:

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
I'd rather go whoring than warring.
History proves nothing.
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
A little humility is arrogance.
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.


Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.


It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much
Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.


If there is nothing left, is it alright?


A plumber is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!


So do nudists look in their wardrobe and think to themselves...

`I've absolutely nothing to wear?'


There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to sooth the soul . Even if it’s cold . Over ice.with a celery stalk . And vodka


q: why did the U.S. Bobsled team name there sled Biden?

a: because nothing has taken America downhill faster!


I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night.

They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.


Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.


I love women's forums, because no one cares about corruption, the dollar, terrorism ... Nothing cares there if it does not cause cracks on nipples.


Prayer is like masturbation, it makes you feel good but does absolutely nothing for the person you're thinkin about.


A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done!


Taking nothing personal is self-care.


0 cannot be nothing cos 0 is 1.


“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

- Oscar Wilde


Ever wondered why skeletons are so calm?
Prolly because nothing gets under their skin.


The World Governments convinced the healthy they were sick.

Next stop,

To convince the World they'll own nothing and be happy.


An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at.


I should do something today, but I didn't finish doing the nothing I was doing yesterday.


Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished !


Twitter: because having nothing to say never stopped anyone.


People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day

- Winnie the Pooh


ALWAYS FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; NOTHING ANNOYS THEM SO MUCH.


"To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it."
Ernest Hemingway


Calling a woman crazy behind her back is penny slots; costs almost nothing and the potential payout is huge.


"Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear."

Hayao Miyazaki


My brain is full of ideas my body wants nothing to do with.


Chuck Norris does not have an ESC key on his keyboard, because nothing escapes Chuck Norris.


If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.


“We can experience nothing but the present moment, live in no other second of time, and to understand this is as close as we can get to eternal life.”
~ P.D. James


Do teeth taste like nothing or does your mouth just get used to the taste of your teeth ?


Sometimes we are silent, not because we have nothing to say. But because we want to say much more than anyone can understand ..


Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.


Chuck Norris once heard nothing could kill him. So then he tracked down nothing and killed it.


Auto correct ain't nothing to duck with.


When I say "there is nothing to eat" I mean there is nothing I like.


Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he wears nothing at all.


I have nothing to say to you. So leave a message.




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