Hilarious jokes about NOTHING that will make your day !

I quit my job as a town crier.

It was nothing to shout about.

Mark Knopfler comes home carrying a large picture frame & chips
Wife: What you been up to?
MK: I was at the Auction & got a French Impressionist painting & I got you a chippy
Wife: How much have spent this time?
MK: Nothing, I got the Monet for nothing and the chips for free.

"To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life."

• Thomas Jefferson

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." 🚂

Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

I love women's forums, because no one cares about corruption, the dollar, terrorism ... Nothing cares there if it does not cause cracks on nipples.

Prayer is like masturbation, it makes you feel good but does absolutely nothing for the person you're thinkin about.

A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done!

Taking nothing personal is self-care.

0 cannot be nothing cos 0 is 1.

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

- Oscar Wilde

Ever wondered why skeletons are so calm?
Prolly because nothing gets under their skin.

The World Governments convinced the healthy they were sick.

Next stop,

To convince the World they'll own nothing and be happy.

An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at.

I should do something today, but I didn't finish doing the nothing I was doing yesterday.

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished !

Twitter: because having nothing to say never stopped anyone.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day

- Winnie the Pooh

ALWAYS FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; NOTHING ANNOYS THEM SO MUCH.

"To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it."
Ernest Hemingway

Calling a woman crazy behind her back is penny slots; costs almost nothing and the potential payout is huge.

"Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear."

Hayao Miyazaki

My brain is full of ideas my body wants nothing to do with.

Chuck Norris does not have an ESC key on his keyboard, because nothing escapes Chuck Norris.

If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.

“We can experience nothing but the present moment, live in no other second of time, and to understand this is as close as we can get to eternal life.”
~ P.D. James

Do teeth taste like nothing or does your mouth just get used to the taste of your teeth ?

Sometimes we are silent, not because we have nothing to say. But because we want to say much more than anyone can understand ..

Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.

Chuck Norris once heard nothing could kill him. So then he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Auto correct ain't nothing to duck with.

When I say "there is nothing to eat" I mean there is nothing I like.

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he wears nothing at all.

I have nothing to say to you. So leave a message.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

I had nothing to do and I wrote in front of the condo: "I slept with your wife!" Everyone got agitated.

If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch.

What did the grape say when the fox stood on it? Nothing other than letting out a little wine.

“If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

3 guys on a boat with 4 cigars but nothing to light them with. So they throw 1 cigar overboard & the boat becomes a cigar lighter.

I just put a stick in a non-stick pan, nothing happened.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

“The most dangerous creation of any society is the man who has nothing to lose.”
James Baldwin

What do you get when you ask a politician to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Three different answers.

When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do.
As an adult, you live for them.

I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!

“I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again —”
— Georgia O’Keeffe

Nothing is impossible?

I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now.

I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING IT 🥴 how come?! I've got nothing to lose...

To the lad who stole my weight loss pills...
You'll have nothing to gain.

There’s a nudist convention in town next week,
I might go if I’ve got nothing on.

My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar
So I've grown a beard.

Recently I got invited to a nudist dinner party but I had to skip it.
I had nothing to wear.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.
So I don't.