Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“The wisest men follow their own direction.”

― Euripides

If you sweat wearing a sweater, who exactly is the sweater?

I called my doctors surgery this morning.

"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing."

"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"

I said, "Tomorrow, orrow, row, ow."

Whoever coined the term "coined the term" coined the term.

Fun fact: In Ancient Greece, small penises were celebrated and seen as a sign of high intelligence. Men with large penises were seen as grotesque, laughable and barbaric.

The problem with following the science is that quite often, the science follows the money.

Люди, "умеющие жить", на самом деле просто сидят на шее у тех, кто умеет работать.

“Humanity is OK, but 99% of people are boring idiots.”

― Slavoj Žižek

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”

— Edgar Allan Poe

- Do you have a doctor here?
- Yes, I’m.
- What’s your specialty?
- I’m a doctor in Mathematics.
- My friend is dying.
- Minus one.

“Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.”
- Jorge Luis Borges

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

- Mark Twain

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

Приходит как—то раз мужчина к врачу и жалуется:
— Доктор, у меня сердце болит...
Врач:
— У меня тоже.
— И печень пошаливает..
— У меня тоже
— И голова тоже болит..
— У меня тоже
— Знаете, доктор, пойду—ка я к другому врачу!
— Подождите, милейший, я с Вами!

“Talk is cheap. Show me the code.”

— Linus Torvalds

Q: What borders on complete stupidity?
A: Canada and Mexico.

Don’t Do Something Permanently Stupid Just Because You Are Temporarily Upset.

That awkward moment when you're wearing Nikes and you can't just do it.

If you’re trying to scare me for Halloween, I’m really afraid of money.

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Заходит как-то давление в один бар в один бар, а у них там своя атмосфера.

If someone sends me a screenshot I always check their battery percentage.

70% женщин кричат во время оргазма, чтобы их услышал бывший.

Simplicity isn't the lack of complexity; it's the clarity of understanding.

The deepstate is just a giant network of blackmailed pedophiles.

Nearly every country is run by a shadow government who owes its loyalty to the New World Order controlled by a 13-member Illuminati Council.

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.

The dirty secret of the tech business is that network effects create natural monopolies and oligopolies. The number two platform often isn’t viable. De-platforming becomes no-platforming.

If you ever feel foolish, remember that there are people out there who believe they are saving the planet by driving a Tesla.

I don't even see the Oscars anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors.

Bankers are looting the world. You're not in the middle of a recession; you're in the middle of a robbery.

If you behaved like your government you'd be arrested.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

I hate cleaning my windows…

It’s a pane in the glass.

WEF = WRECKING EVERYONE'S FUTURE

There are two governments in America, the government you see and the government you don't see.

"Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself. It is a hallmark of an authoritarian regime."
~ Potter Stewart

Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel?

He called it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

The CIA = COCAINE IMPORTING AGENCY

How do you know when a website is lying?
When it ends in dot gov.

In 2018 Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, ran an ad campaign branding itself as the "G-Spot of Europe" accompanied by the slogan "Nobody knows where it is, but when you get there - it's amazing."

What do you call a feminist government?

A Dick-hater-ship.

"Secrecy is the keystone to all tyranny. Not force, but secrecy and censorship.''
~ Robert A. Heinlein

What do you get when you cross a cow and a trampoline?
A milkshake that really bounces!

Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had drumsticks!

Fake history is what you were taught on purpose.

If you want to reach a large audience appeal to idiots

~ A. Schopenhauer

“A senior developer is someone who fluently hates more than one programming language.”

Politicians will fuck anything but off.

Приходит мужик к доктору.
- Доктор, у меня яйцо опухло!
- Ну показывайте, показывайте.
- А вы смеяться не будете?
- Ну что вы, что вы. Я же доктор.
Мужик вываливает на стол левое.
- Хи-хи-хи,- захихикал доктор.
- Ну вот! Так я и знал. Тогда я вам опухшее не покажу!

Government creates the crises so it can "rescue" you with the loss of freedom.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
taxation is theft,
and inflation is too.

Never ask Sean Connery to teach your dog to sit.

Mafia: the same thing as the government, without all the pretense.

Let's stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

Things to make your day better:

1) Do not watch the news.

Government can't profit from self-sufficient people.

CLIMITARD /'klimit'tard/ NOUN: A PERSON THAT BELIEVES THE CLIMATE CAN BE CHANGED BY PAYING A TAX TO THE GOVERNMENT.

"Всё что говорят обо мне за моей спиной, слушает только моя жопа"
Ф.Раневская

The lack of teenage pregnancies at Hogwarts is unrealistic considering that the students had no Sex Ed classes.

Ways to my heart
1. Buy me food
2. Make me food
3. Be food ( preferably covered in bacon)

As they say in France, "Allahu Akbar".

When the government says you don't need a gun buy two.

What kind of pizza did the World Trade Center order?

2 Plains.

Fall in love with your problems, maybe they will leave you too.

The President should have so little power it doesn’t matter who is in the Oval Office.

Transgenderism is a Marxsist's depopulation cult.

AI doesn’t replace programmers.

It simply makes English a programming language.

Self-image is the prison. Other people are the guards.

"Good investors don’t sell investment advice."

Remember, it's illegal to expose the illegal things the government does.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra.

Now I sleep hard.

People with “Trust No one” tattoos are liars.
They have already trusted the tattoo artist.

The only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.

How does Ace Ventura respond to people who don't like coffee?

All right, tea then!

If you think you look ugly in glasses, it may just be because you can see your face better with them.

Less thinky, more drinky!

TikTok is banned in India but most of Indian movies are just really long TikTok videos.