Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Your childhood ends the day you realise that sleep is a reward and not a punishment.

Shakespeare: to be or not to be.

Schrödinger: you got it.

Life tip: It's not a discount if you otherwise wouldn't have bought it.

World's simplest diet: the more processed the food, the less one should consume.

Racism is bad. Everyone is equal.
Doesn’t matter you are normal or Chinese.

School is not hard.
Paying attention to something you’re not interested in is.

The meaning of life is to keep yourself busy with unnecessary shit until you are dead forever.

Google uses you a lot more than you use Google.

Don't take medical advice from people who think the world is overpopulated.

Escape competition through authenticity.

"If you can't decide, the answer is No."

Mice Die in Mouse Traps Because They Do Not Understand Why The Cheese Is Free.
The Same thing Happens With Socialism.

Things only have the value that we give them.

- Moliere

“There is advantage in the wisdom won from pain.”
- Aeschylus

Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

"Time is the ultimate currency."

A computer would deserve to be called intelligent if it could deceive a human into believing that it was human.

- Alan Turing

Sleep is the best meditation.

Dalai Lama

“The problem with experts is that they do not know what they do not know.”
Nassim Taleb

They say you've got to spend money to make money.
I feel like there's some middle step I've been missing...

Keep your big goals away from small minds.

A busy calendar and a busy mind will destroy your ability to create anything great.

If you hurt other people because they have expectations of you, that’s their problem.

Two atoms were walking down the street and one said, oh no I lost an electron!
The second asks, are you sure?
First one says, yes I’m positive!

If you are not enjoying the journey, you probably won’t enjoy the destination.

- Why did the Arabian mathematician bring a ruler to bed?
- To see how long he slept like a log!

Why did the Arabian sheikh bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house!

Proven science fact - Having sex only 3 times a week, has proven to make you look 5-7 years younger.

"We passed the Free Soda For All Act!!!"
"Awesome! When do we get our free soda?"
"Free soda? The bill makes
owning a dog illegal."

If you’re so smart, why aren’t you happy?

Having sex can unblock a stuffy nose.

Modern medicine has reached its pinnacle of success.

Almost everyone is sick.

I don't just hate "the" government. I'm consistent. I hate government.

Insurance is the only industry whose entire business model is not giving you what you paid for.

Her : my pussy gets wet for a guy who can speak spanish.

Me : Bonjour.

"It is the mark of a charalatan to explain a simple concept in a complex way."

Socialism, not even Germans could make it work.

Software obeys the law of gaseous expansion - it continues to grow until memory is completely filled.

-- Larry Gleason

What doesn't kill you disappoints me.

Don't fear Satan, God is the one who judges you.

How did Jesus die for my sins if I still sinning ?

“Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.”
– Immanuel Kant

The overeducated are worse off than the undereducated, having traded common sense for the illusion of knowledge.

The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison.

Climate change: where the weather is always your fault and the only solution is more communism.

Eating pussy cures depression.

The CIA can't hack your car if you travel by horse.

President Obama holds the world record for the most children killed by a Nobel peace prize winner.

I don't remember which of the great ones said it, and I don't remember what either. But this statement must have greatly influenced my worldview.

if you kill a cockroach you are a hero, if you kill a butterfly, you are evil. morals have aesthetic criteria.

The truly rich know how to hide their wealth - that's how they remain rich.

Feminism is the idea that women are free when they serve their employers but slaves when they serve their husband and children.

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
- Frank Zappa

My give a fuck fairy died.

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate."
~ Isaac Asimov

Stop taking climate advice from celebrities who fly around in private jets.

Why don’t developers carry guns?

They have troubleshooting.

Life is ultimately just a 'try-not-to-die' challenge set on impossible difficulty.

Fun fact.
One hour of chewing gum can burn off the calories you gain from eating one Pringle.

Vote for nobody, because nobody cares.

"They don't ban hate speech; they ban speech they hate."
~ Elon Musk

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what’s really going on to be scared.

-- P. J. Plauger, Computer Language, March 1983

Some folks like floors & some like walls. Me? Im a ceiling fan.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

“Change is never painful, only the resistance to change is painful.”

― Buddha

"Well done is better than well said."

-Benjamin Franklin

Hope is a first step to disappointment.

Martinis are like nipples.

One is too few, and three are too many.

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

Behind every hangover, there's a promise of never drinkin again.

Going to work is so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money.

How to fall asleep faster?
Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.

C in FACEBOOK stands for Censorship.

"When stupidity is considered patriotism, it is unsafe to be intelligent."

-- Isaac Asimov

An evolving system increases its complexity unless work is done to reduce it.

-- Meir Lehman

You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

-- Ron Minnich

Что произойдет, если ударить электрошокером карлика?
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Короткое замыкание

Where do astronauts poop?

The #2 airlock!

Date people who want to suck your private parts, not your energy.

Why do Python programmers prefer to work in the dark? Because they hate white space errors.