Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Liberty is the way.

End big government before it ends you.

Porn is just videos of people at their work.

"The four most dangerous words in investing are: 'this time it's different."

Sir John Templeton

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Mark Twain

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Mark Twain

Son: Happy Father's Day!

Dad: “And a happy Sunday to you!”

I've just become a professor of palindromes.

You may now call me Dr. Awkward

Sunlight isn't toxic. Sunscreen is.

Life is a single player game.

Alligators can live up to 70 years, which is why you're more likely to see them later.

Your penis is just like your signature

You should be very careful where you put it

9/11 gets only a day for mourning while gay people get a “pride” month because homosexuality is a bigger tragedy.

Climate change is a scam to tax everything you do and keep you poor forever.

The death of dogma is the birth of reason.
-- Kant

How do you make 7 even?

You take away the s.

How come the moon skipped dinner?
Because it was full.

I date short women so when we break up I can keep my pictures.

Keep calm and kill people in your mind.

If the other planet’s moons have its own name, what is the name of our moon?

When someone says they did something "like a boss," I assume they didn't do anything and just took credit for someone else's work.

Bras are measured in cups because they have milk in them.
True story bro.

Sugar is just a gay salt.

- Where does a Machine Learning engineer go camping?
- In a Random Forest!

It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

If Coca Cola formula is a secret, what do they write on “ingredients”? If some ingredients are missing from the label, why do the regulators allow them to do that?

If you beat your own record, you’re both a winner and a loser.

"To build a career, turn your ability into credibility."

Telling a depressed person to be happy is like asking a blind person to wear glasses.

Life tip:The best time to search for a job is when you already have one.

Your childhood ends the day you realise that sleep is a reward and not a punishment.

Shakespeare: to be or not to be.

Schrödinger: you got it.

Life tip: It's not a discount if you otherwise wouldn't have bought it.

World's simplest diet: the more processed the food, the less one should consume.

Racism is bad. Everyone is equal.
Doesn’t matter you are normal or Chinese.

School is not hard.
Paying attention to something you’re not interested in is.

The meaning of life is to keep yourself busy with unnecessary shit until you are dead forever.

Google uses you a lot more than you use Google.

Don't take medical advice from people who think the world is overpopulated.

Escape competition through authenticity.

"If you can't decide, the answer is No."

Mice Die in Mouse Traps Because They Do Not Understand Why The Cheese Is Free.
The Same thing Happens With Socialism.

Things only have the value that we give them.

- Moliere

“There is advantage in the wisdom won from pain.”
- Aeschylus

Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

"Time is the ultimate currency."

A computer would deserve to be called intelligent if it could deceive a human into believing that it was human.

- Alan Turing

Sleep is the best meditation.

Dalai Lama

“The problem with experts is that they do not know what they do not know.”
Nassim Taleb

They say you've got to spend money to make money.
I feel like there's some middle step I've been missing...

Keep your big goals away from small minds.

A busy calendar and a busy mind will destroy your ability to create anything great.

If you hurt other people because they have expectations of you, that’s their problem.

Two atoms were walking down the street and one said, oh no I lost an electron!
The second asks, are you sure?
First one says, yes I’m positive!

If you are not enjoying the journey, you probably won’t enjoy the destination.

- Why did the Arabian mathematician bring a ruler to bed?
- To see how long he slept like a log!

Why did the Arabian sheikh bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house!

Proven science fact - Having sex only 3 times a week, has proven to make you look 5-7 years younger.

"We passed the Free Soda For All Act!!!"
"Awesome! When do we get our free soda?"
"Free soda? The bill makes
owning a dog illegal."

If you’re so smart, why aren’t you happy?

Having sex can unblock a stuffy nose.

Modern medicine has reached its pinnacle of success.

Almost everyone is sick.

I don't just hate "the" government. I'm consistent. I hate government.

Insurance is the only industry whose entire business model is not giving you what you paid for.

Her : my pussy gets wet for a guy who can speak spanish.

Me : Bonjour.

"It is the mark of a charalatan to explain a simple concept in a complex way."

Socialism, not even Germans could make it work.

Software obeys the law of gaseous expansion - it continues to grow until memory is completely filled.

-- Larry Gleason

What doesn't kill you disappoints me.

Don't fear Satan, God is the one who judges you.

How did Jesus die for my sins if I still sinning ?

“Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.”
– Immanuel Kant

The overeducated are worse off than the undereducated, having traded common sense for the illusion of knowledge.

The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison.

Climate change: where the weather is always your fault and the only solution is more communism.

Eating pussy cures depression.

The CIA can't hack your car if you travel by horse.

President Obama holds the world record for the most children killed by a Nobel peace prize winner.

I don't remember which of the great ones said it, and I don't remember what either. But this statement must have greatly influenced my worldview.

if you kill a cockroach you are a hero, if you kill a butterfly, you are evil. morals have aesthetic criteria.