Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Главный урок финансовой грамотности: "Чем дольше спим, тем меньше тратим".

Почему есть сигареты «Пётр Первый» но нет сигарет «Николай Второй»?
.
.
.
Их расстреляли.

"What are your dogs' names?"

Me: "Calvin and Klein."

"Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

Me: "Exactly, they're boxers."

Why did Trump and Zelensky start a band together?

Because they wanted to make some "political hits"!

Why did J.D. Vance bring a ladder to the Senate? 
Because he heard the job had its ups and downs!

Today is national staek& blowjob day.
If you are married its just a Friday.

Why did Elon Musk invite Donald Trump to SpaceX?

He needed someone to help him "trump" the competition in the race to Mars!

What do you get when you cross Elon Musk with Donald Trump?

A rocket that tweets its way to Mars while promising to build a wall
around the moon!

— Доктор, понос уже вторую неделю.
— А вы пробовали киви? Обычно омогает.
— Да. но, когда вытаскиваю его, то всё начинается снова.

Programming is just the art of adding bugs to an empty file.

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called?

A guyneckologist.

'Algebra is the metaphysics of arithmetic.'
-- John Ray

Data science is the sexiest job of the 21st century, said the person who has never actually done data science.

In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

"We are caught inside a mystery, veiled in an enigma, locked inside a riddle."

~ Terence McKenna

"You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it."

- Morpheus

“If heavy metal bands ruled the world, we’d be a lot better off.”

Bruce Dickinson

The Finnish word “kalsarikännit” means drinking alone at home in your underwear. Finally, a word for my weekend plans!

Climate change - the made up catastrophe used by globalists to instill fear and guilt so they can tax, regulate and remove our freedoms while pretending to be saving the planet.

Unfollow the Unfollowers.

- Socrates

I told my mom I’d call her later, but she prefers I call her mom.

I have a love-hate relationship with my code. I love it when it works, and I hate it when it doesn't.

Разговор в английском клубе, два джентльмена.
— Слушайте, Джеймс, Вы слышали? На днях мистер Дарбси сломал свой указательный палец просто невероятным образом!
— Правда? И каким же образом он сломал свой палец?
— Я не ебу, сэр.

Our Earth is not overpopulated. The government is.

I'm a data scientist - I can predict the future. As long as the future is exactly like the past.

Why did the hacker go to therapy?
Because he had too many "emotional firewalls" and couldn’t let anyone ping his heart!

British weather is like Islam.

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite.

"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

~ Benjamin Franklin

I know several jokes in sign language.

I guarantee you, no one has ever heard them before.

Cous Cous is just gay rice.

- Andrew Tate.

Last night, while my wife was asleep I decided to write algebraic terms all over her.

You should have seen the expression on her face.

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is a government big enough to take away everything you have.

Rule Number 1:

Never Joke with your Sources of Income.

Mark Knopfler and Chris Rea have formed a new band.

It's called Dire Rea.

Хорошо, что всё идет по плану.
Плохо, что план - говно.

— Сема! Еще раз пошутишь за мою фигуру — получишь сковородкой в лоб. Ты меня понял?
— Да, Роза…
— И шо ты понял?
— Шо твой лишний вес мне реально угрожает!

Как говорит опытная Сара Моисеевна, умную женщину мужчина почти не ощущает на своей шее.

Фима, сынок, запомни! Самое страшное: совать пальцы в розетку, мясорубку и в обручальное кольцо.

A dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight.

They fought tooth and nail.

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?

A hug and a quiche.

What's Dracula's favorite type of coffee?

Decoffinated.

Не так страшно искать во сне туалет, как его найти.

I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called “69 Mating Positions”.

Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.

The best way to get the most of your tax dollars is to stop paying taxes.

Art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

I didn't become selfish.

I became harder to manipulate.

My door was ajar, so I added jelly.

Now it's a door jam.

It's almost Valentines Day and I don't know what to get myself yet.

Sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid.

Much of the essence of building a program is in fact the debugging of the specification.

-- Fred Brooks

The worst plan is waiting for a perfect plan.

If you decide to procrastinate, is it still procrastination?

Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?

They know how to break the ice.

Never let your memories be greater than your dreams.

- Doug Ivester

- Здравствуйте, мы из библиотеки. Ваша жена до сих пор не вернула нам книгу!
- Какую книгу?
- Учебное пособие "Как выйти замуж за богатого тупого идиота"

- Папа, я не могу выйти замуж за Изю - он атеист и не верит в существование ада.
- Выходи смело! Вы с мамой быстро докажете ему, как он ошибался!

Fun fact:
In 1979, British politician Terry Dicks lost an election to his competitor Michael Cocks.

"It is said that Wisdom lies in not seeing things, But seeing through things."
~ Manly P. Hall

A man goes to the butcher and asks, “I'd like an oxtail please.”

“Certainly,” replies the butcher. “Once upon a time, there was an ox...”

Software gets slower faster than hardware gets faster.

-- Niklaus Wirth

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

- Randy Pausch

The real problem with throwaway code comes when it isn't thrown away.

-- Joseph Yoder

I have a really good Tupperware joke.

But the punchline doesn’t fit - it’s from another Tupperware joke...

Задержана учительница русского языка, при попытке заменить вывеску магазина "Обои" на "Оба".

"I love debugging. It’s like being the detective in a crime movie where you’re also the murderer." 🔍

If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much. And shoplifting.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don't worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Always pretend you don't have money. You'll thank me later.

It's amazing how music can transport you to another place.

For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I'm going to another restaurant.

How much money does a skunk have?
Only one scent.

"Python: the language where 'batteries included' means you’ll spend
half your time figuring out which library to use."

If you are not paying for the product, then you are the product.

My sex life is like a bank account - no deposits, just withdrawals.

Making things easy is hard.

-- Ted Nelson

Don’t buy it because someone tells you to buy it - they won’t be around to tell you when to sell it.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
But I love their greatest hits!

"Only put energy into things you have a future with."

My favorite productivity hack:

DO LESS.

A bad job with a good boss is better than a good job with a bad boss.

Winners have failed more times than losers even tried.