Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks.
Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.

Is anyone else seeing a stranger in their mirror
Or is it just me?

A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...
I swear I've met herbivore.

Guy yells to a stranger across the river
"I need to get to the other side".
Stranger yells back, "You are on the other side".

A lost man asked a stranger what's the fastest way to the hospital?
The stranger replied: close your eyes and cross the street.

A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall.
Stranger : Practise, practise, practise.

I'm always waking up feeling like I'm in some stranger's room.
I never should have bought that false memory mattress.

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. "Howdy, stranger," one Texan says. "Where are you from?" The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions." "Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan. "Where are you from, jackass?

Stranger: "Bob? Is that short for Robert?"
Bobert: "No."

What do you call a stranger’s penis through a glory hole?
An Anonymous Tip.

Yesterday, I paid a random stranger to put their hands inside my mouth.
Y’know, the dentist.

I asked a stranger what do you call someone who is attracted to both male and female.
He left right away without even saying bi.

Opinions are like buttholes
Everyone has one and I like sharing mine with strangers on the internet.

Except for Steve, they all agreed that standing on a street corner soliciting money from strangers was an unsuitable occupation for a gentleman.
Steve differed to beg.

What did the stranger say to the injured British man?
UK man??

Di‌‌d yo‌‌u kno‌‌w i‌‌f yo‌‌u hol‌‌d you‌‌r ea‌‌r u‌‌p to‌‌o ‌‌a stranger‌‌s leg
... yo‌‌u ca‌‌n actuall‌‌y hea‌‌r the‌‌m sa‌‌y "wha‌‌t th‌‌e fuc‌‌k ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?"

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.
We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy.

I like how every stranger stays still when I take their picture
I guess dead people are useful for something.

My wife is on the Cyclops diet. She's always got one eye on the fridge.

Дружба между мужчиной и женщиной возможна при определённой доле физического отвращения.

You don’t actually feel grown when you become an adult, you just feel like an older teenager.

"You don't become a good developer , you just become good at debugging with time"

Of all the kitchen utensils, why did judas choose to be tray?

"Яжматери" обычно имеют детей от "ябвдулов".

I just met Earl Grey. He’s not my cup of tea.

— Всё в этой стране делается только для одного пиара!
— Вы букву «д» пропустили.

Why did Jeff Bezos get divorced?
He needed more space.

Saw a fight this morning between a rabbit & a hedgehog...the hedgehog won on points!

Police say they are looking for a man, six feet, who has stolen three pairs of shoes.

waiter: your coffee

me: could I have a little spoon please?

waiter: certainly *delicately embraces me from behind*

me: lovely

Happened upon a guy hitting himself in the head with a hammer.

"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.

"Yeah," he admitted. "But it feels so GOOD when I stop."

My friend was very rude when I told him I didn't know what c'est la vie meant.
He said, "That's life."

Police dogs have not been walked yet.
Detectives are searching for leads.

Q: How can you tell if a woman is divorced?
A: She's bungee jumping for joy.

Q: Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll?
A: She comes with all of Ken's stuff!

Q: What is Alimony?
A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

Q: How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper?
A: After the divorce she keeps the house!

Q: What should you do after a man steals your wife?
A: Let him keep her!

Q. What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.

Divorce is like having a garage sale. You set your junk on the lawn and someone comes along and snaps it up like a treasure.

Divorce is like getting out of jail but not having any money to do anything cool.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness never paid for a divorce.

Ex #1: Every passing year our relationship gets better.
Ex #2: But we’re divorced.
Ex #1: Yes.

What did Yoda say to Princess Leia after separating with Han Solo?
May divorce be with you.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn’t stand up in court.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

A dentist and a manicurist decided to get divorced…
They fought tooth and nail.

Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for divorce.
Lawyer: Are you married?
Wife: Yes, of course.
Lawyer: Then you have grounds.

What do you call Santa Clause after he gets divorced?
An independent Clause.

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the marijuana…
The judges have started issuing joint custody.

A divorce court judge said to the husband, “I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” he replied. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.

Getting a divorce is like getting a new phone: You keep telling people how great it is and trying to convince everybody to get one too.

Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.

Getting a divorce is like getting fired from a job you’ve hated for years.

What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.

So I went into my local printers this morning and said, "I need a 6 foot A, a 6 foot S and a 6 foot K, and I need them by tomorrow".
He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”

-Добрый день, можно пригласить к телефону Давида Марковича?
- Он на даче.
-О, Додик таки купил дачу?
- Он на даче показаний.

What's the Pet Shop Boys' favourite drink?

It's a Gin.

I just started a new job as a security guard in a kids playground.
Wife just warned me that my career is on the slide.

If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.

Сегодня в магазине случайно оговорилась...и попросила: ''Средство для мытья Паскуды...''
На что продавец переспросила -Мужской шампунь что ли?????)))

Рабинович держит на руках новорождённого сына и говорит:
— Изя, шо ты плачешь? Ты должен понять — обратной дороги нет!

Как говаривала старший экономист Роза Моисеевна Кац, у хорошего бухгалтера не сходится только юбка.

Как говорила тётя Песя:
— Вокруг женщины надо виться шмелём, с каждым кругом становясь всё шмелее и шмелее...

Услышано в Одессе:
- Посоветуйте, который час?

- Фима, я толстая?
- Шо ты, Люся! Нет, конечно! Ты просто сильно заметная!

На пляже:
- О, молодой человек, да у вас эрекция!
- Отойдите, женщина, это не вам!

Если хочешь выглядеть молодой и стройной - держись поближе к старым и толстым.

Любовь - пятое время года, никогда не знаешь, что надеть и придётся ли раздеваться.

- Абрам, уже таки голову сломала! У одних свадьба, у других похороны. Всё в один день. Шо выбираем?
- Похороны.
- Почему?
- Всё то же самое, только без подарков.

Костик, ты секс будешь? – спросила Лара, и Костя понял, - борща нет.

- Сарочка, дорогая, почему ты не носишь мой подарок?
- Моня, ша! Он уже сам ходит!

Как говорила пожившая тётя Циля: «Незваный гость определённо лучше нежданного мужа!»

- Натан Самуилович, ну шо ви мине так быстро раздеваете глазами?! Я ж не успеваю даже втягивать живот!

- Софочка, доченька, шо ты так плачешь? Тебе шо, твой Моня изменяет?
- Если б только Моня!..

Еврейская мудрость.
Хотелось бы лично убедиться, что таки не в деньгах счастье.

Выбирают евреи нового ребе. Встаёт Абрам:
— Мы все давно знаем Рабиновича как честного человека, предлагаю выбрать его!
Евреи (хором):
— Да, давайте выберем Рабиновича!
Встаёт Ицхак:
— Вот вы хотите Рабиновича выбрать ребе, а, между прочим, у него дочь — проститутка! Нехорошо как–то!
Евреи (хором):
— Нехорошо!
Встаёт Рабинович:
— Ну как же так! Вы же все меня знаете с самого детства! Я всю жизнь прожил в общине! И у меня три сына и никогда не было дочери!
Евреи (хором):
— Действительно, как же так?!
Ицхак (пожимая плечами):
— Я своё мнение высказал, а вы решайте...