Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

One of astronauts first missions was to watch the Earth rotate from space. After 24 hours they got bored & called it a day.

I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk.

The clerk said 'What are you doing?'

I said 'I want to open a joint account'

what do you call a crying cow?
mooody.

I was meant to have dinner with the invisible man tonight.
But he didn’t show up.

You cannot fight destiny because if you try to fight destiny, you will also have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers, too.

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!!
How do you catch a tame one?
The tame way!

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching.

Иногда хорошее настроение передаётся только половым путём.

— Сынок, тебе понравился игрушечный циклоп?
— Да, папа. Я не могу оторвать от него глаз.

What did one math book say to the other math book?
Look buddy, I got my own problems.

What is white and yellow and goes 120mph?
Train driver’s egg sandwich.

So I went for a job as a lumberjack..
Fella asks: "Have you any experience?"
I replied: "Have you heard of the Sahara Forest?"
He said: "You mean Sahara Desert!"
I said: "Well that's what they call it now!"

To the person who lost their iPhone on the bus this morning...Can you please stop calling my new phone..It's fcuking annoying me.

Chuck Norris invented the giraffe by uppercutting a horse.

- Расскажи что-нибудь веселое.
- Из своей жизни?
- Нет, веселое...

I sometimes order undercooked steak. But it’s rare.

What do you call a nun sitting on a washing machine? Sistermatic.

I called the paranoia hotline

They answered, "how did you get this number?"

What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep and Helium just brings it back to normal?

She told me she felt empty inside, so I got her pregnant.

I just ordered 42 bottles of Tip-Ex.
Big mistake.

Моя девушка очень не любит слово "сука". Видимо, придётся запомнить, как зовут её маму...

I have a car with an automatic transmission, but they gave me an owners manual. Where do I get an owners automatic?

I'm sorry we fought.

I hate it when you're wrong.

What's a plumber's least favourite vegetable?

Leeks.

Amor es darlo todo.
Cuando no tienes nada.

My wife told me that when i visit her mother in hospital to take her flowers, i did that but i dont know what to do with these flowers now.

I gave my wife a length of yellow and green shrouded wire for her birthday.

Well, I did promise her the earth...

"I had a circumcision at one day old. One day old! Can you believe it? I couldn't walk for a year!!"

The man entered his home and was instantly delighted when he discovered every lightbulb in the house had been stolen!

There are two types of people I can't stand...
Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what's going on.

After hearing about the vegan special, I told our waitress I have a medical condition which prevents me from being a vegan. She asked, Really? I said, it’s a flesh eating disease. She walked away.

At my annual physical yesterday, my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. Now I'm worried shitless!

It was so hot this afternoon I saw a Goth take his coat off.

This common garden bird flew into my mouth once.
Swallow?
No. I managed to spit it out.

В магазине мужик спрашивает у продавца:
— У вас есть шапочка для плавания?
— Нет.
— А клюшка для хоккея?
— Нет.
— Ну, а лыжи есть?
— Нет! И вообще это вино-водочный магазин...
— Ну, дайте тогда бутылку водки, — и тихо про себя, — видит Бог, что я хотел спортом заняться...

🧒: will you marry me??💍💎
👧: Noway
🧒: sudo will you marry me

When someone told me Scandinavian languages don't have the letter R, I immediately thought:
No way.

What's the opposite of stand up comedy? A sitcom.

Dad's do NOT snore! We simply dream we're a motorcycle.

What happens when Dwayne Johnson visits Alcatraz while sipping single malt on ice?
You get The Rock on the Rock drinking scotch on the rocks.

We have to respect and praise the courage of the French, as they discovered that snails (escargot) are edible! 🐌

Where do sheep like to go on holiday?

BAA-li…

Who was Einstein's favorite rapper? E=mc hammer.

Husband: where is that body I fell in love with?

Wife: Judging from the size of your belly, I think you ate it!

The arrogant math teacher finally ate a slice of humble pi.

Старик проверяет лотерейные билеты.
Старуха спрашивает:
— Ну, что выиграл что-нибудь?
— Хуй!
— Гляди, деньгами не бери!

what outdoor game does Jekyll like?
Hyde and seek.

Feeling a bit paranoid recently? Look around you. You're not alone.

As a child I had ADHD, so my parents sent me to a week long program to help me focus. It was a concentration camp.

Who hides in the bathroom at parties?
The party pooper!

Why is it a bad idea to date a necrophiliac ? He just wants you for your body !

When asked why I became an artist I answered ‘I don’t know. I guess I was just drawn to it.’

Despite pressure to clean up their act, most dirtbags live in a vacuum.

Мудрец знает, что не стоит бояться будущего, ибо есть только настоящее; его-то и надо бояться.

A young woman went into a pet shop one morning and mumbled: “Do you sell large white bears?”
“No, I’m afraid we don’t,” said the sales assistant.
And the woman left.
The next day, she was back again, “Do you sell large white bears?” she asked.
“No I’m afraid we don’t,” said the same assistant.
And the woman left.
The next day she was back again. “Do you sell large white bears?” She asked.
“No we don’t,” said the assistant. “And this is the third day you’ve come in and asked me that.”
I’m so sorry,” said the young woman, “but I can’t help it. You see, I have buy polar disorder.”

Did you hear the one about the Polynesian nymphomaniac who kept longing for Samoa?

What do you call a beaver that cannot build its house? A dam shame.

Черепашка - это уменьшительно-ласкательное от черепавел.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.
There's a lovely key change at the end.

If there was an award for the most skeptic person, the most skeptic person might not accept the award.

- А как называется эта фобия, когда боишься негров?
- Здравый смысл.

I tried tap dancing but kept falling in the bath.

An vegetable growing friend’s business has gone into liquidation. They make smoothies.

I ate a string of Christmas bulbs last night. It was a pretty light dinner.

They're making a 3rd film about Moses, it's Part C.

My wife is always accusing me of making stuff up,
I wouldn't mind but I'm not even married.

Me: do you know what sin city is?
Friend: yeah, it's Las Vegas.
Me: do you know what den city is?
Friend: no
Me: it's mass over volume

Nowadays everyone has tables and chairs outside and they call it a patio.
We did that back in the 1950’s but we called it eviction.

DO YOU KNOW which 5 letter word becomes SHORTER when you ADD 2 letters to it? ..... short

REMEMBER that today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday...

A veces no hay próxima vez, no hay segundas oportunidades, a veces es ahora o nunca.

I sent a food parcel to my former wife, Fed Ex.

The art teacher challenged his students to draw a parrot, but no one could pass the Polly graph test.

What does Iron Man do before he takes a bath? He gets stark naked.

I thought growing old would take longer.

A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.

There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you'd have no idea.