Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"Which makes no sense" is spelled backward "esnes on sekam hcihw" which makes no sense.

What’s a Pirate’s favourite letter?
If you thought R you’d be wrong. Everyone knows a true pirates first love is always the C.

Sometimes I tuck my knees up to my chest and lean forward... That's just how I roll.

In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

The film never ending story ran 1hr 47mins l asked for my money back.

Took Tina Turner to Wimbledon but I dont think she understood the scoring system.

My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, until mum hid the urn.

Surely not everybody was Kung Fu fighting ?

My least favourite colour is purple.

I hate it more than blue and red combined.

I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.

Sorry, poor punctuation.

I’m giving up! Masturbating for an entire month.

A bloke tried to sell me a gadget at the pub tonight, he said it turns on your hi-fi, receiver, lights, even the garage doors. I said I'm not remotely interested.

Things I hate:
1) Lists
B) Irony
iii) Inconsistencies

I came home tonight to find my wife dancing erotic infront of the dishwasher. I asked her what she was doing, she replies well I've been trying to turn on the dishwasher and it not working...

At school I was rubbish at English but brilliant at Jograffy.

- What is the opposite of a croissant?
- A happy uncle!!

Air drums are far better than air guitars, you just can’t beat them!

A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor.
The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze, the husband is shocked seeing his wife speechless.
The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is just lonely. That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?"

My dad worked 10 hours a day to put food on the table.
Great dad
But a really slow cook.

My cross-eyed wife and I are getting a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Кассирша спрашивает у покупателя:
— Молодой человек, мелочь не посмотрите?
Покупатель:
— Ну... показывайте...

I’ve named the spider in my room Cotton eye Joe for two reasons
1/ where did he come from
2/ where did he go

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital" Me: "How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical" Me: "Ah, you get used to that"

При помощи обруча и лысого мальчика находчивый учитель астрономии показал детям планету Сатурн.

This bloke just came up to me and said..
"Hello There"
I said
"I'm not There I'm Here".🤔

Thieves have been breaking into fabric stores. Based on the locations they seem to be following a pattern. Police have blanketed the area but still don't have any material witnesses.

At this moment some mom is using you as a bad example for her kids.

What if sleep is our natural state and we get up every morning to gather information for dreams ?

My wife left me because of my Beatles obsession.
Yesterday.

A man knocks on the door of a supposedly exclusive brothel. Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for you, sir?"
"I'd like to get screwed," he answers.
"This is an exclusive club," she explains. "To join, you must slip a thousand dollars under the door."
The man does so, but the door doesn't open. So he knocks again and the madam re-appears
The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get screwed."
The madam : Again??

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.

A zoophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, and a masochist find a cat on the street.
The zoophile says, "We should fuck the cat."
The sadist says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it, and then fuck it again."
The pyromaniac says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it with fire, and then fuck it again."
The necrophile says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it to death with fire, and then fuck it again."
The masochist says, "Meow."

If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

No Man has ever won the
"Did you notice something different about me?"
Quiz.

A friend complained about his excessive cell phone bill after travelling abroad to Italy. I told him that roam wasn’t billed in a day...

A human fart can actually be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that fact at my daughters school concert.

I have so much debt, I can start a government.

'I've been a very bad girl,' she said, biting her lip. 'I need to be punished.'
'Very well,' he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

I've only got three records: two by Meatloaf and one by Michael Jackson.

So two out of three ain't Bad.

What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?

Where's popcorn?

I can’t tell you how much I regret buying the flat above Lionel Richie.

The Manchester United team visited an orphanage today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Johnny, age 6.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

I was in a band once called Earl Grey

We weren't everyone's cup of tea

First woman in space:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."

У моей жены выраженная женская логика. Любую мою просьбу она воспринимает как приказ.
А приказы она не выполняет в принципе. Из уважения к правам женщин.

If a man says something in a forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong?

What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit cards.

The degree to which one hates mosquitoes is typically based on how much mosquitoes love them.

When butterflies fall in love do they feel people in their stomach?

When butterflies fall in love do they feel people in their stomach?

I purchased some memory foam the other day, but I can't remember where I put it.

I went to get my hair cut yesterday, but there were so many in front of me. After an hour the manager started to hand out sausages and burgers as an apology for the long wait. It was the best barber queue ever.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The boss snuck out early,
so I left too.

Needing paper, I went in a shop, and said to the assistant, “Do you keep stationary”?
She said “No, I move about a bit”.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

Just had the worst ever memory lapse:
For 3 seconds I couldn't remember where Bruce Springsteen was born.

My doctor prescribed a recently released drug to treat my depression.
It's called Enditol.

A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He asks, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

The researcher then asks, “And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

The woman says, “We use it for love making.”

The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for making love. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for love making?”

The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.”

My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight ?

Because of a typo, some of America's most dangerous criminals are currently waiting at Heathrow.

I'm thinking of opening a bar where everyone insults everyone else while moving to the music...
I think my idea of social diss dancing would go over well!

A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

I met a Jewish barista the other day...
Hebrew.

I'll never forget my old Grandad coming home from the war with one leg...we never did find out who it belonged to...

I've just sold all my Dusty Springfield records and now i just don't know what to do with my shelves.

When we were children, my brother was so ugly my mother took him everywhere just so she didn't have to kiss him goodbye.

Stop thinking you are ugly, you are, but stop thinking about it.

After church today,I walked into the liquor store.

Apparently I was moved by the Spirit.

I just found out they won't be making 12 inch rulers any longer.

Если послушать женщин, то у всех гениальные дети,
но от мужей идиотов.
Генетический парадокс.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.

The woman was on the verge of death she asked her seven children to leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband.
She said to him I have something to confess.

Yes?

You know our 7th child, Little Joe?

He's not mine?

No, he is yours.

A farmer was on his death bed
He had three sons so he gave them each a duck and told them whoever solds his duck for most will inherit his farm.

1st son went to the market and sold the duck for 10$

2nd son also went to the market and sold his duck for 15$.

3rd son as going to the market met a girl
the girl told him if you give me your duck I will let you make love to me so he did after making love the girl was so happy she told him if he makes love to her again she will give the duck back to him,so he did but after that he got weak, then he proceeded to sell his duck while on the way a car knocked him over and the duck got killed. He got up and cleaned his clothes the car driver apologized to him and gave him 20$ for the dead duck.
All three sons went back to home and father asked them about the duck,

1st son told he sold the duck for 10$,

2nd son told he sold the duck for 15$.

So the father asked the 3rd son,
well 'said the 3rd son'

I got a fuck for a duck

Then I got a duck for a fuck and

I got 20$ for the fucked up duck.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."

Do you know the story of how the death of Pinocchio came to be?
He was masturbating and unintentionally set himself ablaze.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Death is like being stupid.
It’s only painful for the others.