Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you gotta hand it to her.

What is the difference between a feminist and a female prostitute? if you want a female prostitute to be a bitch you have to give her money first.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?
One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning cunts…

How can you compare a gay prostitute to Pacman?
They both get paid to eat 200 balls!!

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

Why did the orphan become a prostitute.
They wanted someone to call daddy.

Do you want to know why my husband and I will never ever need a marriage counselor? He majored in communications in college and I majored in theater. So he communicates with me a lot and I always make the effort to pretend to listen.

Love is a lot like peeing in your pants. Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

Let’s commit the perfect crime together. I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.

Why do painters always fall for their models? Because they love them with all of their art.

A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body. In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!

The voice of love seemed to call me, and then I realized that it was a wrong number.

Did I tell you that the girl I have been seeing works at the zoo? I think she’s a keeper.

Love is like having to pass gas. If you force, then you are going to make a mess.

Have you ever been fishing before? I only ask because I really think that we should hook up.

What happened to the two vampires who went on their first date? It was love at first bite!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put the letters U and I together.

We must both be subatomic particles because I feel this strong force between the two of us.

Are you familiar with that tingly feeling that you get in your body when you start to develop feelings for someone? That feeling is actually all of your common sense leaving your body.

Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely.

I don’t know your name yet, but it must be Wi-Fi because I am feeling such a strong connection here.

Never laugh at your significant other’s choices because you happen to be one of them.

Can I borrow a kiss from you? I promise you that I will give it back.

Falling in love is like going deep into a river. It is much easier to get in it than it is to get out of it.

Why do men like to fall in love at first sight?
Because doing so saves them a lot of money.

You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.

You are like my dentures. I cannot smile without you.

You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

You are like my asthma. You just take my breath away.

I love you with all my butt. I would say my heart, but it is just not as big.

- What did one boat say to the other boat?
- Are you interested in a little row-mance?

- Why should you never break up with a goalie?
- Because he is a keeper.

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date.

Once there was this Whichdoctor, he walked barefoot most of the time which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little and the food gave him bad breath. Which made him (wait for it), A Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed.

After watching a few zombie films I've come to the conclusion that I would be a cameraman in the event of a zombie-apocalypse.
They never seem to attack them.

What do you call a happy wizard who makes eyeglasses?
Opti-Mystic.

I want to open a religious store called Mysterious Ways...
...just so I can watch God work.

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

I have achieved immortality
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won't die a virgin.

What do you call a virus that causes mysterious deaths?
Coroner virus.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date...
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious, or did she?

A boy is struggling with his exams...
He catches a lucky break when, as he is walking home one day, he finds a mystical lamp on the side of the road. He rubs the side of the lamp and a genie pops out.
"You may have any item you desire, simply name it." The genie says.
The boy thinks for a second then exclaims,
"I'd like some kind of concealable item that will grant me infinite wisdom."
"As you wish, press the top of this pen and what you desire shall be yours."
The boy takes the pen and is overjoyed, with this pen he'll never have to study again!

His next exam comes around and he walks into the school hall with confidence. He sits at his desk as others around him fidget nervously.

When the papers are handed out, he holds the pen up and triumphantly lowers his thumb over the lever as it produces an audible click.

And in his infinite wisdom he suddenly states with absolute clarity:
*"I should have studied!!!"*

Three friends - two men and a blonde woman - are exploring the African wilderness.

They come across a mystical looking place with a really long slide. The slide has a sign next to it that reads, "Welcome travellers to the slide of dreams. Take a ride! As you get to the bottom of the slide shout out what you wish to slide into."

So the first man goes and as he gets to the bottom shouts "marshmellows!", and he lands into a huge bed of marsh mellows.

The second man hears his friend's glee and decides to give it a go. As he gets to the bottom he shouts "cash!", and he lands into a huge bed of $100 dollar notes.

The blonde sees everyone seems to be having heaps of fun decides to give it a go as well. As she gets to the bottom she gets incredibly excited and shouts "weeeeeeeee!"

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to life promising them an hour to do what they will before they once again must stand still for the rest of time.

Eagerly they took each other's hand and rushed into the bushes. The gypsy smiled as she heard giggling delight and the undeniable sounds of pleasure from near by.

Soon the gypsy heard the female statue crying aloud "I'm going to get one IM GOING to GET ONE!..... Oh Yess I got it!"

To which the male statue replied "Good, hold that dirty pigeon down while I shit on its head."

There was a man who had a 28-inch dick.
He was tired with all the inconveniences that came with it and no doctor was able to help him. Desperate, he went to talk to the village witch. The witch said, "Go to the Seventh Mountain and look for the Mystical Frog. He can speak; you just need him to mutter the word 'no' and your dick will shrink by 7 inches."

So the man traveled there and, sure enough, he found the Mystical Frog meditating. He went over to the frog and said, "Hey Frog, let's you and I have sex!" The frog was shocked and replied, "What the hell's your problem? NO!" The man's dick shrunk by 7-inches; things were looking good.

He asked the frog again, "Come on, Froggy, let's get it on!" to which the frog replied, "Did you not hear me just now??? I said NO!" and his dick shrunk by another 7-inches. At this point, the man just needed to make the frog say it one more time so that he'll have just the perfect size. "Come on, buddy. Let's do it! You know you want to!"

The frog turned red with rage and angrily shouted, "What is wrong with you? How many times do I have to repeat myself? I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!"

I was surprised when my dad revealed he was a mystical chemist...
He said that the world was ending and I was the only one to stop it. He handed me a blue and yellow pill and told me to swallow it. Reluctantly, I swallowed it in a big, hard gulp.

Suddenly, my legs started to run away and everything became small. I even crashed through the roof!

A dark presence started hitting my dad! He lay on the floor, shaking and aching.

"Dad! No!" I shouted, "but I'll get him back, I promise, I'm huge!"

My dad, laying in pain, whispered with his last, trembling breath...

"H-hey Huge, I'm d-dad..."

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...
"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

What did the mystical fire breathing beast say when he was really tired getting out of bed?
"Man, I'm really dragon this morning!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist?
A: Cool music!

Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
A: I don't know, but there's probably a hipster close by.

Q: What was the hipster doing at the computer?
A: Looking in the recycling bin for something retro.

Q: How do you know if Shakira is still cool?
A: Hipsters don't lie.

Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway?
A: Because its underground.

Q: What do you call a dictator who wants to save the environment?
A: Adolph Hipster.

Q: Why do hipsters only use the microwave.
A: They don't like conventional ovens.

Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog?
A: Put it in a man bun.

Q: Why are all the ugly chicks hipsters?
A: Because beauty is just too Mainstream!

Q: Why do hipsters love ice?
A: Because ice was water before it was cool.

Q: What do you call a hipster with a speech impediment?
A: Mumblr.

Q: What do you get if you cross a hipster with a vampire?
A: Count swagula.

Q: How do you kill a hipster?
A: Stab it with a Pitchfork.

Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: He drank low fat non whip frapp before it was cool.

Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An instagram.

Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion?
A: It was too current.

Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: You wouldn't know, it's kind of an obscure number.

Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.

What does Karen and Karma have in common?
They both can be real bitches and bite you in the ass.

What is racist Karen's favorite movie?
Minority Report.

Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier?
She didn't like its tone.

What’s the difference between a Karen and a puppy?
Eventually, the puppy will grow up and not whine as much.

An anti-vaxxer, an entitled woman, and a Karen walk into a bar
She demands to speak to the manager.

Why doesn't Karen use a dildo?
To come plain.

What does Karen do when she wants to see all her friends?
She closes her eyes.

What city do all Karens come from?
THE AUDACITY.