Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.

The woman was on the verge of death she asked her seven children to leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband.
She said to him I have something to confess.

Yes?

You know our 7th child, Little Joe?

He's not mine?

No, he is yours.

A farmer was on his death bed
He had three sons so he gave them each a duck and told them whoever solds his duck for most will inherit his farm.

1st son went to the market and sold the duck for 10$

2nd son also went to the market and sold his duck for 15$.

3rd son as going to the market met a girl
the girl told him if you give me your duck I will let you make love to me so he did after making love the girl was so happy she told him if he makes love to her again she will give the duck back to him,so he did but after that he got weak, then he proceeded to sell his duck while on the way a car knocked him over and the duck got killed. He got up and cleaned his clothes the car driver apologized to him and gave him 20$ for the dead duck.
All three sons went back to home and father asked them about the duck,

1st son told he sold the duck for 10$,

2nd son told he sold the duck for 15$.

So the father asked the 3rd son,
well 'said the 3rd son'

I got a fuck for a duck

Then I got a duck for a fuck and

I got 20$ for the fucked up duck.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."

Do you know the story of how the death of Pinocchio came to be?
He was masturbating and unintentionally set himself ablaze.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Death is like being stupid.
It’s only painful for the others.

Did you hear the story of the man who was trampled to death by a wild pig...
I'd tell you, but it was a real bore.

Why shouldn't you tell your crush death-related jokes?
It kills the conversation.

When Ludwig von Beethoven died in Vienna, Austria in 1827 he was buried at the city's central graveyard.

After 3 days some people who walked by his grave notice there was a strange noise in the air. Something was wrong.

After 6 days more and more people were talking about that and it became topic in the journal, and everybody was thinking that it would be a ghost or some curse.

After 7 days the citizens decided to call the priest to check out what was going on in there.

So a big crowd went to the cemetery to see what the priest would do to find out what was happening.

When the priest standed next to Beethoven's grave he said to everyone not to talk out loud so he could listen to the misterious noise.

10 seconds passed and he talked to people:

- "Don't be afraid, women and men. This is not a ghost exactly."

- "What do you mean?!" - Said one of the men.

- "Can't you hear? It's not a noise. It's Beethoven's 5th Symphony." - Answered the priest.

- "So why is it playing now? Beethoven is dead, isn't he?"

- "Relax. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.
It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one. It was his first wife.

Husband: what must I do to get through Heavens Gate?

Wife: you must spell just one word.

Husband: what is it?

Wife: Checkeloslovahkeah.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

A man was sent to hell after his death..
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.

“What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

After death what is the only organ in a womans body that is warm
My penis.

What was the hardest part of my grand fathers death ?
Making it seem like an accident.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

I surely hope Death is a woman.
That way it never comes for me.

A father was on his death bed at home..
.. with all his family around him. He grabbed his wife by the hand and with shallow breath asked

"Is my son in the room with me?"

"Yes dad, I am here" replied the son.


"Good, and my daughter is here with me?" Asked the father, growing weaker.

"Yes dad, I am here with the kids and my husband"


"So all my family and cherished ones are with me? In this room?"

"Yes, we are all here for you dad"




"Then why the fuck is the living room light on?!" Asked the father.

As the nihilist said on his death bed..
Here goes nothing.

Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something
Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted

Dad: You were ado...

Dad dies

Son: Knew it

Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby

Dad dies

Son: Awww, thats so sweet

Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you

What comes after death?
A Necrophiliac.

- what do Nascar drivers and hookers have in common?
- they both know how to finish fast.

How do you know when your hooker is dead?
When you plug it in and she doesn't charge.

What are Christian hookers good at?
Missionary work.

Q: Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards?

A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”
Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

Two guys win big in a casino and one wants to hire a hooker. They’re not familiar with the area so they’re not sure how this works.

After hours of random searching they finally find a pretty stunning blonde. So the one guy says to his friend that he’ll catch up with him tomorrow so he can leave his friend to do the deed with the hooker.

The next day, his friend wants to hear the details. He tells him, “She charged me $300 for the night. $150 for a blowjob and $150 for ...”

His friend interrupts, “What? That’s an expensive blowjob. And $150 for the pussy?”

The guy says, “well, turns out it was actually a dude so no pussy. I was horny as hell, so $150 for anal.”

His friend says, “Wow, was it worth it?”

He responds, “Yeah. It was great. My asshole still
hurts a lot but completely worth it. “

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

Three hookers were sitting at a bar.
The first one said: "I can get three fingers up my fanny." And proceedes to demonstrate this to the other two. The second one laughed and said " That's nothing. I can get a whole fist up mine." And she duly obliged to show the other two.

The third one slid down the barstool.

What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.

- What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?
- The look on their face when you're nailing them.

A hooker gets arrested one night and the next day stands before the judge
The judge reviews the evidence and decides to sentence the hooker to community service for 6 months.

Then the hooker goes "Community service? What do you think I've been doing this whole time?!"

What did the alligator get after sleeping with a hooker
Gatoraids.

Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”
Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”
Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”.

- What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
- A quarter pounder.

- What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
- FULL.

Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis?
A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.

A man is meeting a client in Japan, yet arrives a day early. When night hit he went out with a prostitute. They’re having sex, yet the prostitute kept shouting “Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!”, so the man thinks he doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going “Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!”. His client turns around confused and says “What do you mean wrong hole!?”

What do condoms and whores have in common? Answer: There is a lot that cums in every box.

What do you call a prostitute with no arm or legs.
Cash and carry.

What Do You Call An Asian Prostitute?
Suck Mi Dong.

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? you don’t get something in return if you give money to a church.

Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
The rooster says… cock a doodle doo The prostitute says… any cock will do.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you gotta hand it to her.

What is the difference between a feminist and a female prostitute? if you want a female prostitute to be a bitch you have to give her money first.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?
One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning cunts…

How can you compare a gay prostitute to Pacman?
They both get paid to eat 200 balls!!

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

Why did the orphan become a prostitute.
They wanted someone to call daddy.

Do you want to know why my husband and I will never ever need a marriage counselor? He majored in communications in college and I majored in theater. So he communicates with me a lot and I always make the effort to pretend to listen.

Love is a lot like peeing in your pants. Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

Let’s commit the perfect crime together. I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.

Why do painters always fall for their models? Because they love them with all of their art.

A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body. In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!

The voice of love seemed to call me, and then I realized that it was a wrong number.

Did I tell you that the girl I have been seeing works at the zoo? I think she’s a keeper.

Love is like having to pass gas. If you force, then you are going to make a mess.

Have you ever been fishing before? I only ask because I really think that we should hook up.

What happened to the two vampires who went on their first date? It was love at first bite!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put the letters U and I together.

We must both be subatomic particles because I feel this strong force between the two of us.

Are you familiar with that tingly feeling that you get in your body when you start to develop feelings for someone? That feeling is actually all of your common sense leaving your body.

Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely.

I don’t know your name yet, but it must be Wi-Fi because I am feeling such a strong connection here.

Never laugh at your significant other’s choices because you happen to be one of them.

Can I borrow a kiss from you? I promise you that I will give it back.

Falling in love is like going deep into a river. It is much easier to get in it than it is to get out of it.

Why do men like to fall in love at first sight?
Because doing so saves them a lot of money.

You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.

You are like my dentures. I cannot smile without you.

You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

You are like my asthma. You just take my breath away.

I love you with all my butt. I would say my heart, but it is just not as big.

- What did one boat say to the other boat?
- Are you interested in a little row-mance?

- Why should you never break up with a goalie?
- Because he is a keeper.