Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- What is a Karen called in Europe?
- An American.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Can someone tell me why so many ancient battles were fought on tourist sites?

I'm very attracted to the lady that sells apples.
I really want to be
In cider.

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”

When two people kiss, they create a long tube from butthole to butthole.

The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

FYI, if a cop asks if you have a police record,
"Roxanne" is not the correct answer!

I'm making a model of my wife out of salt.
It's a Lot of work.

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter - 10 francs.

In response, the lady added a sign to her own window:
Butter - 9 francs.

The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign:
Butter - 8 francs.
Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read:
Butter - 7 francs.

This went on for a while, until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said,

“Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered,

"Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Why do they call them hemorrhoids?

Because asteroids was already taken!

I just released my own dad fragrance.

Nobody else in the car seemed to like it.

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when all of a sudden the guy on the triangle just disappeared...

Мужик у ceксопатолога:
— Док, слишком рано кончаю... Никакой семейной жизни, жена недовольна...
— А вы купите стартовый пистолет.
— ??? — Ну когда "подойдет"
— пальните в воздух и вас "отпустит". сможете дальше продолжать... Через 2 недели приходит тот же мужик чернее тучи:
— Док, я с женой развелся...
— ???
— Ну понимаете, купил я этот хренов пистолет. Решили заняться с женой ласками перед ceксом. Поза "69", чувствую — "подходит"... Достал пистолет, как долбану в потолок... Мало того, что мне на лицо насрали, так еще и сосед из шкафа с поднятыми руками вышел...

I vote no president next term. America needs to be single for a while and just focus on herself.

The clocks go back this month, trouble is I can’t remember where I bought mine !

Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children... old girlfriends tend to get offended.

When Trump was asked if he handled covid properly, he responded....

I’m positive.

- Фима, вы таки немножечко не в курсе, как определить возраст рыбы?
- По глазам..
- А как?
- Чем дальше глаза от задницы, тем она таки старше...

Владимир Владимирович почему в России все дорожает?.. Тут вы не правы, вот рубль например дешевеет.

Build a man a fire he will be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

Toucans.

Сын с мамой едут в автобусе. Напротив мужчина в военной форме.
- Мама, кто этот дядя?
- Офицер, как папа.
- А почему он не пьяный?
- Не знаю, наверное, триппер лечит...

Working as a writer is cool.
But editing is more rewording.

I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now!

Where do mermaids get there bras from ?

Ничто так не украшает спящего мужчину, как ребёнок с фломастерами.

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool👀. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool😊, and he falls off again👀. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello, I've brought your husband home.'' The wife looks at the man and asks, ''Where's his wheel chair😳?''

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

Doctors don't actually save lives, they just delay deaths. So, they are just death snooze buttons.

I used to live on a houseboat and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart...

Если в школе бросает пить военрук - она становится гимназией, а если трудовик - тогда лицеем!

Мужику надоело лежать на диване. Он хотел уже встать и что-нибудь сделать.
Но тут пришла жена и сказала: вставай уже, сделай что-нибудь!

Генетики пока не могут объяснить, почему у чиновников и депутатов рождаются дети-миллиардеры.

Если вы хотите похудеть, то носите худи, а если потолстеть - толстовку.

"Без гандона приятнее..." - к такому выводу единогласно пришел коллектив, обсуждая отпуск начальника.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar....
Can't tell me that's not a coincidence!

Старый еврей перед смертью:
"Дети мои, эти часы выгодно купили мой дед, мой отец и я. Традицию нарушать нельзя: кто из вас хочет выгодно их купить?"

Finally found my wife’s g spot.
Her sister had it all the time.

A General was visiting the troops at the battlefront.
As he walked along the battle line inspecting the soldiers, a sniper bullet whistled overhead.
"What the devil was that?" he roared.
"It's an enemy sniper, Sir", they answered.
"He's been shooting at us for about two weeks.We know exactly where he is."
"Well, why the hell don't you send someone out to kill him?"
"Sir, if we did that, they might replace him with someone who could shoot straight."

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

Пока жена спит - ты ни в чем не виновен.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.

I just bought an answering machine!

What should I ask it?

Some people cry when they cut onions.

I, on the other hand, try not to form an emotional bond.

Spelling errors are embarrassing.
You mix up 2 letters, and your
whole post is urined.

It's rare that a defibrillator fails, but nobody's shocked when they do.

What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?

Teapot.

I had an odd-job man in to help me do some work around the house. I gave him a list of 10 things to do. He only did numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

How did the date between Oxygen and Potassium go??
"It went OK.

Two retired English teachers were sitting on their beach chairs at the seaside. One of them asked, "Have you read Marx?" His friend replied, "Yes, I think it's from these wicker chairs!"

- Доктор, я пришёл на анализ говна!

- Фекалий?

- Нет, Георгий - в направлении же написано!

If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
Thanks for the Baghdad!

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then well talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Your going to love the Dad's reply:
... ... ... his father replied,
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
*Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
*Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
*Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
*Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
*Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
*Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
*Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
*Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

Just caught our window cleaner peering through the window at the missus undressing so I nicked his ladder.

I've also told him that if I catch him doing it again, further steps will be taken!!

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"
"MORE CAT NOISES"
"WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?"
"MEOW!!"

Why did the angry doctor go out of business?

Because he was losing his patience.

My wife dumped me for only talking about video games.
It’s such a ridiculous thing to fallout 4.

My friend told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I said, "Well, they were separated at birth."

Porn is fake as fuck my friend tried to fuck his Stepmom now his is homeless !!

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge.

Today, I had a tuna sandwich called Samantha....

What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady.
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver!

Don't try to eat the chickens in Minecraft.

They're too gamey.

-Did you hear Putin was nominated for the Nobel Prize?
-In chemistry, I assume?

I love chemistry puns, but all the good ones Argon!

Bands that never quite made it:
Huey Lewis & the Weather Forecast.

Я написал книгу про нарциссизм. На мой взгляд, получилось великолепно!

- Поручик, давайте поговорим о прекрасном!
- С удовольствием, мадам! А где?
- Вон в той беседке в конце аллеи!
- Чудесно! Если, конечно, там не насрали.

Tanya lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Tanya says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:Mum! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??
She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??
He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

I’m not paranoid....even though you all think I am!

Satan just bought a sports car. He's hell on wheels.

The more you make your girlfriend laugh, the more you see her boobs jiggle.

i once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels.

unfortunately she didn't know i existed.

I'm not good at deciding on colognes and clothing, so I'll ask my friend Tommy.

Hilfiger it out!!!!!!

my grandad beat my nan to death ,he didnt kill her ,he just died before she did.