Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What does bat man and a black man have in common?
They can't go a night with out robin

Q: What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
A: OH Sheet.

Why will you never see a gay guy in a wheelchair?
Because once you’re a fruit, you can’t be a vegetable.

A mate of mine has recently invented an invisible aeroplane, I really can’t see it taking off.

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

I write bowling jokes in my spare time...😀

I had a map of Italy tattooed across my chest. My Naples are so sore.

- Дорогой, возьми меня!
- Таня, спи! Мы никуда не едем!

I think I’m very indecisive. Actually, now I’m not quite sure.

Just passing the Police Station I saw this notice in the window
'Burglar Wanted'...
So I went in and applied.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

My wife asked me, “why don’t you treat me like you once did when we were dating?” 🤔
So I took her out to lunch, out for ice cream then dropped her off at her parents...

Q: What came first, the chicken or the egg ?
A: Who cares? They both got laid !

I have a joke on Chemistry but am not sure if I will get the desired reactions.

When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've all gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?"
"Well," said the bartender, "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper boots."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy, "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

Если Вы видите в одиночку пьющего человека - не спешите с выводами. Возможно это - корпоратив индивидуального предпринимателя.

Converting decimals to fractions is pointless.

"Dad, what's a forklift?"
"Food, usually."

A comforter, a sheet and a pillow case started a band.
They only do covers.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

Two nuns are late for church and decide to ride their bikes to get there on time

One nun says, follow me, I know a short cut through the park

They arrive on time and just before entering the church, the other nun says, you know, I've never come that way before...

The first nun replies, yeah, it must the cobble stones.

The gay crime boss surprised everyone by announcing he was going straight.

Before the crowbar was invented, crows just drank at home.

— Софа, одолжите мне капусту и бурак, я хочу сварить борщ.
— Варите суп, Сара!

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator ?

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs. 🐱‍🐉

If you’re not broke it’s because you work.

Q: What does Earth say to tease the other planets?
A:"You guys have no life."

Other than "It's okay" or "I'm fine" what other death threats do women use?

There was this older man who is married to a Doctor.
Everyday he ate an Apple with lunch.
Only to come home and be very disappointed.

Q: What do you call a factory that makes OK stuff?
A: A satisfactory

A woman is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up.
She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?"
The doctor replies, "Well, women have been having babies for a million years without a doctor in attendance. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

Q: How do you order cannabis over the phone?
A: Just press the ‘hash’ key!

"Surround yourself with Positive people"they said.
Now I'm in a Hospital bed.

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"
The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out the food. The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it".

Q: How do you make a lawyer taller?
A: Give him viagra.

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some stupid woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'!"

A man hires a hooker and they go back to his house. The man says I have never had a 69 before. The hooker says okay lets try that. they get into position and she farts. the hooker says o i'm sorry, i don't know whats gotten into me. she goes into the bathroom to freshen up. she comes out and gets into position and again she farts. she says sorry i don/t know whats gotten into me.let me go freshen up . she gets into position again and she farts she says sorry let me go freshen up. The man says don't worry i don't want 67 more of those.

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TO MUCH:
1~ We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2~ We believe that dancing with our arms overhead,wiggling our butt while yelling woohoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3~ In our last trip to pee,we realize that we now look like a homeless hooker then the goddess we were just 4 hours ago.
4~We start crying and telling everyone we see-that we love them so much.
5~ We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my god! I love that song!"
6~ We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
7~ We yell at the bartender who we believe cheated us by giving us just juice.But that's because we can no longer taste the alcohol.
8~ We think we are in bed. But our pillow feels strangely like the bathroom floor or toilet or kitchen floor or mop.
9~ We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
10~ We take off our shoes because we believe it's their fault that were having issues walking straight.

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work ?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?"

The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!"

The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each."

Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."

The farmer says "You got it."

The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."

The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit."

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

A Bus full of Nuns falls off a Cliff and they all Die.
They arrive at the Gates of Heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them, "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the “Pearly Gates”, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a Single-File Line"..??
And they do so. St. Peter turns to the First Nun in the line and asks her ,"Sister, have you ever Touched a Penis"..???
The Sister Responds, "Well, there was this One Time that I kinda, sorta Touched One with the Tip of my Pinky Finger".
St. Peter says, "Alright Sister, now Dip the Tip of your Pinky Finger in the Holy Water, and you may be Admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the Second Nun and says "Sister, have you ever Touched a Penis"..??? "Well, There was this one time that I Held One for a moment"..
"Alright Sister, now just Wash your Hands in the Holy Water, and you may be Admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a Noise, a Loud Jostling Noise, from the Back of the Line.
It seems that One Nun is trying to cut in front of another...!
St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun..
"Sister Susan, what is this..???? There is No Rush"..
Sister Susan responds "Well, maybe not for you, but if I'm going to have to Gargle this Stuff",
*
"I'd rather do it, before Sister Mary has to Stick her Ass in it".

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED I WAS A MUFFLER....I WOKE UP EXHAUSTED!!!

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Stiff her!

I have a hen who can count her own eggs . . . She’s a mathemachicken!

I think I need professional help.
A maid, butler, cook and chauffeur should do it.

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," he thinks.
The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor."
"And why's that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

Since it started raining all my wife has done is look sadly through the window, if it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

Deciding to turn off my wife's life support machine was the second hardest thing I've ever done.
The hardest was trying to distract the doctor!

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

The girl asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shop keepers heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc.

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and
suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft cunt , its a trap!!''

His wife asks him ''What are you watching ?''
Husband replies
"Our wedding video"

Just saw a Rolex in the trash. What a waste of valuble time!

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

How do you make holy water??
You boil the hell out of it😎

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

How does Michael J Fox like to sit in his garden?
With his back to the fuschia.

Doctor, doctor, will my measles be better by next Monday?
I don’t wanna make any rash promises!

Racecar backwards is Racecar. Racecar upside down is expensive!

I went to the doctor today about my anxiety. He told me it was all in my head !

Been bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.
So far, it's been 7 owls, and 15 jays.

Tall people tend to sleep longer in bed !

What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale!

I think I may remove my spine. I feel it's holding me back.

Man A: Can you Help me with this crossword
Man B: Sure
Man A: 4 Across Postman's satchel
Man B: How many letters?
Man A: Thousands I'd imagine.

Филолог говорит своему сыну:
— Ты меня очень огорчил. Я слышал, как ты спорил со своим другом и сказал ему: "Ты ебанулся". Как ты мог? Ты ни за что обидел человека, показав ему пренебрежение!
— А что я должен был ему сказать?
— Тебе надо было сказать: "Да ну, нахуй!" Он бы понял, что ты вовлечен, но ты оппонируешь!...

It's only in sex where late cumers are appreciate.

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.

Q: What is a duck's favourite tv show?
A: A duck-u-mentary.

Too often a banquet is a plate of cold chicken and peas surrounded by warm appeals for funds.