Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Если твоя женщина уснула во время секса, значит она тебе доверяет.

Гордость и разочарование одновременно: "В попу не дам, у тебя слишком большой!"

Would you rather sit on a dick and eat cake or sit on a cake and eat dick?

Interviewer: We meant questions about the job.

What’s the difference between Disney+ and porn hub?

Disney + wants you to hate your stepmother.

Call me Jesus Christ cuz I love getting nailed and stoned.

На вопрос: "Нравится ли Вам анальный секс?" ответил - "Зависит от того с какой стороны жопы я нахожусь".

I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is out of control.

Did you hear about the dyslexic KBG agent – it’s pot secret!

Телефонный звонок на завод:

- Здрасьте, а Иванова можно?
- Его нет на месте.
- А в цеху его нет?
- Овцехуев давно уволился.

Если ты видишь цель и не видишь препятствий, то возможно еще просто не загрузились текстуры.

Маша хотела заставить своего бывшего парня ревновать и незаметно для себя стала шлюхой.

Каждый интеллигентный человек должен задаваться вопросом :

Кто Я? Чо я такой дерзкий? С какого я раёна ?

Why did women love jesus?

Theyd love you too if you were hung like this.

Like Aron Ra said "tell me which gender children a priest likes to fiddle and I can tell whether he is protestant or Catholic".

What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

Only takes one nail to hang the painting.

Science flies people to the moon.

Religion flies people into buildings.

What does God call his nose?

God knows.

If God were a vehicle, what kind of vehicle would he be?

An ice cream truck, because he brings joy to those who discover Him, but people who follow Him too closely are usually paedophiles.

A friend of mine was a junkie until he found God.

The day he overdosed, of course.

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

I may not be perfect, but Jesus thinks I’m to die for.

The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

How do you teach a bunch of kids about God—who He is, and what He does?

Gather them all in a classroom. Then never show up.

If God really made everything…

He’s Chinese, right?

They say that when you die you become closer to God.

Because you no longer fucking exist, right?

Bacon proves God has a sense of humor.

He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.

People commonly believe that Jesus died a virgin, but I heard he got nailed right before he died.

If God created man in His own image…

He’s a fucking pervert.

Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

What's an ISIS member's favourite song?

None, they'll already be beheaded for blasphemy.

A higgs boson particle walks into the Vatican
The Pope says, "you call yourself the God particle! Your blasphemy is not welcome here, get out!"

The higgs boson particle says "but you can't have mass without me."

Drunk driving isn’t the problem, drunk crashing is.

Pre-drinking isn’t just fun, it’s being financially responsible.

Everyone in AA claims to be an alcoholic but i’m the only one that brought beer 🤨

Them: what do you do for a living?
Me: eat.

Dressing as cocaine this Halloween so someone will do me in the bathroom

Есть такие люди про которых можно сказать: если ты утонешь, жалко будет только телефон.

I asked my wife what women really want, she said "attentive lovers."
Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers."
I wasn't really listening.

If your problem can't be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn't come to me for help.

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked whilst trying to find new people to see you naked.

How do you make a virgin mojito with rum?

You make a mojito and don't put your dick in it.

I was shaving my private part using my phone as mirror .

I didn't know I was live on TIKTOK.

Мы продолжаем жечь!
(Поговорка средневековых инквизиторов)

What's JavaScript's son's name?

JSON .

Мысль только тогда мысль, когда её головой думают.
© Михаил Жванецкий

Грабли - инструмент саморазвития.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Она - ему:
- Я ухожу от тебя.
- Но почему?
- Потому что ты легко со всем соглашаешься.
- А-а, ну тогда ладно.

— Моня, я должна признаться, наш сын не от тебя.
— А от кого же???
— От сантехника Петрова!
— Ха! Он бы трезвый на тебя и не взглянул.
— Я ему налила.
— Да он бесплатно и стакан бы не поднял!
— Я ему заплатила.
— Ой-вей, зачем ты врешь? Я тебе деньги давал только под строгий отчет!
— Я нашла твою заначку и взяла из нее немножко...
[мрачное молчание]
— Ну, если деньги мои — то и сын мой!!

С возрастом тяжелее засыпаешь лежа, но зато легче сидя...

Человек сам писец своего счастья.

Remember: The only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

A tongue in the ass, keeps her ex in the past.

I opened a new hotel last week. It was an overnight success.

Желая райских яблок, не околачивай грушу.

She's Not Just SQL.
She's MySQL.

Настоящий художник всегда даст натурщице на аборт.

- Ребе - что такое жизнь?
- Жизнь - это река.
- А почему река?
- Ну не река.

Мужчина всегда поможет женщине прикоснуться к прекрасному, особенно если она это делает языком.

- А моя курица несёт яйца!
- Я тоже ношу яйца, но я же не кричу об этом на каждом углу!

My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.

"Secrecy is the keystone to all tyranny. Not force, but secrecy and censorship.''
~ Robert A. Heinlein

When she says "don't come in me" but you know she'll make a great single mother.

We all deserve morning sex and pancakes.

Основным правом россиян во все времена было и остается крепостное...

Q: What's 12 inchs long and snaps a cunt?

A: Your selfie stick.

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

"If Nikola Tesla had not been censored, we could have been traveling between the stars by now."
~ Nassim Haramein

—Iba a apuntar a mi hijo a atletismo pero al final nada.
—Bueno, lo importante es que hace algún deporte.
—¿Eh?

Literally no one:

0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9.

Presidents are the best of actors. They read the script and follow it act by act.

—Siempre he querido escribir mis memorias.
—¿Y por qué no lo has hecho?
—¿El qué?

I pretend I don't care but deep down I really still don't care.

I have an eating disorder.

I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings and dis order of nuggets.

Conspiracy Theorist: A person who doesn't watch as much TV as you do.

All the secrets of the world worth knowing are hidden in plain sight.

“Everything is theoretically impossible, until it is done.”
– Robert A. Heinlein.

"If the people understood the banking system, there would be a revolution tomorrow."
~ Henry Ford