Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

—¿Saben por qué no hay golpes de estado en EE.UU.?
—Porque es el unico pais del mundo donde no hay embajada Nortemericana.

Está la alta sociedad de Bogotá en un coctel. De pronto entran 20 guerrilleros disparando y diciendo:
—¡Al suelo, partida de homosexuales y mujeres de la calle!
Entonces todos los Pombo y Urrutia, ala, se lanzan al piso en plancha, aterrorizados. El jefe guerrillero ve al fondo del salón un tipo de smoking con el whisky en la mano, tomándose un trago tranquilamente. Se acerca a él furioso y le dice:
—¿Qué hace ahí parado?
El hombre responde mientras mira a sus amigos en el piso:
—Pues ala, ¡yo aquí aterrado, aterrado, con estas amistades!

Un borracho está en la Plaza de Armas gritando: ¡¡¡EL PRESIDENTE ES UN HIJO DE PUTA, EL PRESIDENTE ES UN HIJO DE PUTA!!!
Rápidamente, aparecen dos policías y le empiezan a dar de golpes por traición a la Patria, y se lo llevan a rastras.
El pobre borracho empieza a implorarles:
—¡Pero si me refería al Presidente de los Estados Unidos!
Y los policías le contestaron:
—¡No trates de confundirnos! Nosotros sabemos quién es el Hijo de Puta!!!

En un congreso de médicos, un medico israelí comenta:
"La medicina en Israel, está tan avanzada que nosotros le sacamos un riñon a una persona, se lo ponemos a otra y en 6 semanas ya está buscando trabajo".
Un médico Alemán comenta: "Eso no es nada, en Alemania le sacamos un pulmón a una persona, se lo ponemos a otra y en 4 semanas ya está buscando trabajo."
Un doctor Ruso comenta: "Eso tampoco es nada. En Rusia la medicina está tan avanzada que le sacamos la mitad del corazón a una persona, se la ponemos a otra y en dos semanas ya ambas estan buscando trabajo"
A lo que un médico Peruano responde: "Nada que ver. Todos Uds. están muy atrasados. Nosotros aqui en Perú cogimos a un hombre sin cerebro, sin corazón y sin huevos, lo pusimos de Presidente y ahora todo el país está buscando trabajo…"

Aquí hay algunas diferencias entre gente rica y gente pobre:
1) Un rico corriendo es un atleta.
Un pobre corriendo es un ladrón.
2) Un rico con un arma es un mafioso.
Un pobre con un arma es un atracador.
3) Un rico con alas es un ángel.
Un pobre con alas es un murciélago.
4) Un rico bebiendo es un catador.
Un pobre bebiendo es un alcohólico.
5) Un rico fumando es de clase alta.
Un pobre fumando es un vicioso.
6) Un rico nadando es un delfín.
Un pobre nadando es una piraña.

El Presidente y su chofer pasaban por una carretera cuando accidentalmente atropellaron a un cerdo, matandolo instantaneamente. El Presidente le dijo a su chofer que fuera a la granja para explicarle al dueño lo sucedido.
Una hora más tarde, ve a su chofer venir tambaleándose, con un cigarro en una mano y con una botella en la otra, y su ropa desarreglada.
—¿Qué pasó? Preguntó el Presidente al chofer, y éste respondio:
—Bueno, el granjero me dio el vino, su mujer el cigarro y su hermosa hija me hizo el amor apasionadamente.
—Por Dios, ¿Qué les dijiste?
—Les dije: "¡Soy el chofer del Presidente y acabo de matar al cerdo!"

A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Annie: Meet my new born brother.
Benet: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
Annie: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

The bright Jew to a girl at a discotheque.
– “Do you have some Jew in you?”
– “No!”
– “Do you want some?”

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
He only comes once a year.

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
I’m as bored as a slut on her period.

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: “REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, “Come on My Face.”

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

Boy in the bath with his mum.
Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mum?”
Mum replies, “That is my sponge.”
“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady.”
He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!”

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
Her navel.

I’m emotionally constipated.
I haven’t given a shit in days.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
I want you inside me!

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

Hay tres clases de personas:
las que saben contar y las que no.

– ¿Por qué el César iba siempre en sandalias?
– Porque era Julio

En la playa:
– ¿Usted no nada nada?
– Es que no traje traje.

– Ayer me compré un reloj.
– ¿Qué marca?
– ¡Pues la hora!

A: Padre, ¿qué puedo hacer por mis pecados?
B: Ora, hijo mío, ora.
A: Las once y media, padre.

– ¿Cómo se escribe «nariz» en inglés?
– No sé
– Correcto!

– ¡Socorro, me ha picado una víbora!
– ¿Cobra?
– No, gratis.

– Jaimito, ¿qué planeta va después de Marte?
– Miércole!

– ¿Cuánto cuesta esta estufa?
– Cinco mil dólares
– Pero, oiga, ¡esto es una estafa!
– No, señor, esto es una estufa

Era un grupo de chicos sentados en el banco y pasan 2 monjas. Dice uno «Las conozco, una tiene una heladería y otra tiene una joyería.» «¿Cómo sabes tú eso?» «Porque una es Sor Bete, y la otra Sor Tija.»

Una manzana está esperando el autobús. Llega una banana y le pregunta:
«¿Hace mucho que usted espera?»
Y la manzana responde:
«No, yo siempre fui manzana.»

Cuáles son las vacas más perezosas? Vacaciones!

One day, Great Tamerlane goes to the Aksehir Central Hamam (hamam=Turkish bath). In hamam, after he undressed and wrapped ‘pestamals’ (large bath towel) around, they enter into hot room. They sit on ‘gobek tasi’ (large very hot marble). While sweating, they chat.
Then Tamerlane asks the Hodja:
-Hodja, you are very learned one! You know to appraise properly. Tell me what is my worth, my value?
-10 ‘Akce’ (old Turkish gold coin), replied the Hodja.
Tamerlane flies into a rage about the so low appraisal value for himself.
-You, idiot! says Tamerlane, how can yo say me my value is ten Akces, just this pestamal alone is worth 10 Akce!
Nasreddin Hoja replies by nodding,
-I included that when I gave you my estimate.

Q: What does Cinderalla and the Azerbaijani soccer team have in common?
A: Both keep running away from the ball.

一个小孩儿问他的爸爸：“爸爸，结婚 需要 花 多少钱”

爸爸说：“儿子，我 不知道。 我 还在付款!”