Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Issawi's Law of Consumption Patterns: Other people's patterns of expenditure and consumption are highly irrational and slightly immoral.

Issawi's Law of the Conservation of Evil: The total amount of evil in any system remains constant. Hence, any diminution in one direction -- for instance, a reduction in poverty or unemployment -- is accompanied by an increase in another, e.g., crime or air pollution.

Issawi's Laws of Committo-Dynamics:
Comitas comitatum, omnia comitas.
The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so.

Issawi's Law of Aggression: At any given moment, a society contains a certain amount of accumulated and accruing aggressiveness. If more than 21 years elapse without this aggressiveness being directed outward, in a popular war against other countries, it turns inward, in social unrest, civil disturbances, and political disruption.

Iron Law of Distribution: Them what has -- gets.
Wakefield's Refutation of the Iron Law of Distribution: Them what gets -- has.

Law of Institutions: The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

Laws of Institutional Food:
Everything is cold except what should be.
Everything, including the corn flakes, is greasy.

Law of the Individual: Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.

Index of Development: The degree of a country's development is measured by the ratio of the price of an automobile to the cost of a haircut. The lower the ratio, the higher the degree of development.

Imhoff's Law: The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank -- the REALLY big chunks always rise to the top.

Iles's Law: There is an easier way to do it.
Corollaries:
When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.

The Ike Tautology: Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before.
Corollary: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Idea Formula: One man's brain plus one other will produce about one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many.

IBM Pollyanna Principle: Machines should work. People should think.

Hull's Warning: Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Hull's Theorem: The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons.

Howe's Law: Every man has a scheme that will not work.

Howard's First Law of Theater: Use it.

Horowitz's Rule: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

Horngren's Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case.

Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Hogg's Law of Station Wagons: The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.
Baggage Corollary: If you go on a trip taking two bags with you, one containing everything you need for the trip and the other containing absolutely nothing, the second bag will be completely filled with junk acquired on the trip when you return.

Hoare's Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.

Historian's Rule: Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.

Hildebrand's Law: The quality of a department is inversely proportional to the number of courses it lists in its catalogue.

Hersh's Law: Biochemistry expands to fill the space and time available for its completion and publication.

Herrnstein's Law: The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they'll stop making it.

Hendrickson's Law: If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.

Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away. (Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage.) [Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.]

Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.

Hein's Law: Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.

Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Hart's Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.

Hartman's Automotive Laws:
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car.

Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.

Hartley's Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.

Hartig's Sleeve in the Cup, Thumb in the Butter Law: When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.

Hartig's How Is Good Old Bill? We're Divorced Law: If there is a wrong thing to say, one will.

Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Harris's Restaurant Paradox: One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the customer usually gets faster service when the retaurant is crowded than when it is half empty; it seems that the less the staff has to do, the slower they do it.

Harris's Law: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.

Harper's Magazine's Law: You never find an article until you replace it.

Hardin's Law: You can never do merely one thing.

Harden's Law: Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first.

Halpern's Observation: That tendency to err that programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as if it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which like acne would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise.

Hall's Law: There is a statistical correlation between the number of initials in an Englishman's name and his social class (the upper class having significantly more than three names, while members of the lower class average 2.6).

Hale's Rule: The sumptuousnss of a company's annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability that year.

Haldane's Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.

Hagerty's Law: If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.

Hacker's Law of Personnel: Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.

Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation or an organization to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Guthman's Law of Media: Thirty seconds on the evening news is worth a front page headline in every newspaper in the world.

Gumperson's Proof: The most undesirable things are the most certain (death and taxes).

Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Corollaries:
After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance he has of being assigned to something else.
You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Gummidge's Law: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.

Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

Gross's Law: When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, fraud will result.

Grosch's Law: Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times slower.

Gresham's Law: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never resolved.

Greenhaus's Summation: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Greenberg's First Law of Influence: Usefulness is inversely proportional to reputation for being useful.

Rule of the Great: When someone you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.

Gray's Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n trivial tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.

Gray's Law of Bilateral Asymmetry in Networks: Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upward.

Graditor's Laws:
If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Goulden's Law of Jury Watching: If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances when it votes guilty.

Professor Gordon's Rule of Evolving Bryophytic Systems:

While bryophytic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We conclude therefore that a rolling stone gathers no moss.
Corollary (Rutgers): Generally the subjective value assignable to avian lifeforms, when encountered and considered within the confines of certain orders of woody plants lacking true meristematic dominance, as compared to a possible valuation of these same lifeforms when in the grasp of -- and subject to control by -- the manipulative bone/muscle/nerve complex typically terminating the forelimb of a member of the species homo sapiens (and possibly direct precursors thereof) is approximately five times ten to the minus first power.

Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.

Goodin's Law of Conversions: The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Goodfader's Law: Under any system, a few sharpies will beat the rest of us.

Golub's Laws of Computerdom:

Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
The effort requires to correct course increases geometrically with time.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
The 19 Rules for good Riting:
Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Verbs has to agree with their subject.
Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.
Don't use no double negatives.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.
Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
About sentence fragments.
In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
Don't abbrev.
Check to see if you any words out.
In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he does not really need.
Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

Goldwyn's Law of Contracts: A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

(Vic) Gold's Law: The candidate who is expected to do well because of experience and reputation (Douglas, Nixon) must do better than well, while the candidate expected to fare poorly (Lincoln, Kennedy) can put points on the media board simply by surviving.

(Bill) Gold's Law: A column about errors will contain errors.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.