Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Barber's Laws of Backpacking:

The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you chose to hike always comes out positive.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.
The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.

Baldy's Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.

Baker's Byroad: When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

Bagdikian's Law of Editor's Speeches: The splendor of an editor's speech and the splendor of his newspaper are inversely related to the distance between the city in which he makes his speech and the city in which he publishes his paper.

Babcock's Law: If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:

Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.

Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.

Laws of Applied Confusion: The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.
Corollary: Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it.
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.

Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Law of Annoyance: When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.

Anderson's Law: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.

Alley's Axiom: Justice always prevails . . . three times out of seven.

Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.

Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

Alan's Law of Research: The theory is supported as long as the funds are.

Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Ade's Law: Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.

Acton's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

Abrams's Advice: When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.

Abbott's Admonitions:
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

Everything that goes up must come down.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

New systems generate new problems.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws: Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.

Murphy's Law of the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

Murphy's Law of Copiers: The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

In any structure, pick out the one piece that should not be mismarked and expect the plant to cross you up.

After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.

Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Everything takes longer than you think.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Asking for the last time, what is k doing in knife ?

My wife was afraid of the dark.
Then she saw me naked…
Now she’s afraid of the light!

The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!

Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.

When Thor decided to leave the Avengers, he turned to real estate.
He’s going to be a real-thor.

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
― Maya Angelou

Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.

Why do real estate agents love Thanksgiving so much?
They have “lots” to be grateful for.

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns…
Last time I voted for a real estate agent.

What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.

You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.

What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.

Why did the real estate agent buy a skateboard?
So they could flip it.

What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”

When it comes to board games about buying real estate…
Hasbro truly has the Monopoly.