Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Боря,и как ты можешь говорить, шо перфекционист, если у тебя дома такой бардак?
- Раечка,это, таки, идеальный бардак..

I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the “Why aren’t you wearing pants?” look.

The more I get to know people,
the more I realise,
Why Noah Only Let Animals On The Boat.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did... but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

- Сын, как ты умудрился получить двойку?
- Пап, тут два варианта: или гены, или просчеты в воспитании.

I saw my first porn film last week.

I couldn’t believe how young I looked.

Заходят как-то в бар госизменник, экcтpeмист и айтишник, а бармен ему и говорит: "Гамарджоба!"

Surely, not everyone was kung fu fighting?

- Ваше хобби?
- Кулинария.
- Готовите?
- Жру.

Lady was telling her friend she didn't like the new slim cut bikini bottom: " It's not all it's cracked up to be."

Who says, “zzub zzub zzub?”
A bee flying backward.

I once dated a girl with a wooden leg, but then I broke it off.

I went to my doctor yesterday and he told me i hsve hypochondria.

I said, “Oh no, not that, too!”

Ralph's cell phone didn't work very well in prison. It was only getting one bar.

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There's no need for that racket.

My wife is upset with me for never putting the toilet seat down. To be honest, I’m getting tired of carrying it around.

I haven't slept in 10 days.

Good thing I sleep at night

Умер раввин, попал в рай, и спрашивает Бога:
— Господи, расскажи, как ты сотворил вселенную?
— Сингулярность, потом Большой Взрыв, экспоненциальное расширение... Физики ваши, в принципе, всё верно поняли.
— А как же ты сотворил всё живое?
— Ну как... Сперва абиогенез, потом мир РНК, дальше эволюция, клетки, потом многоклеточные организмы...
— А человека ты как сотворил, Господи?
— Слушай, это же ещё Дарвин описал. Сперва приматы, потом использование орудий, речь, прямохождение... Ты что, школу прогуливал?
— Господи, но ведь в Торе написано про семь дней, про сотворение человека из глины...
— А как бы ты сам, ребе, если бы оказался тогда на горе Синайской, объяснил бы безграмотным пастухам с бронзовыми мечами — про кварк-глюонную плазму, ДНК и естественный отбор?

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.

Now I'm living in a flat.

Six more people have been hit over the head with aroma-free purple flowers. I am so tired of all the scentless violets these days.

I joined a support group for people who talk too much.
On & On Anon.

My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate.

I have only 50k in my bank account but without the potassium.

“The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.”
– J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

Did you hear about the North Korean disco?
It had lots of funk, but very little Seoul.

If two online friends meet each other first time in real world in disco club...
... can we say that they disconnected?

How did dancers in the 70s stay on their feet at a disco?
With the grooves in their sole!

Late last night I walked into a really dodgy looking Disco named Medusa's.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

What substance do they make disco floors out of?
Getdowntonite.

At a Down Syndrome disco...
...Do you think they have a slow dance?

There was a scared Spanish man at a club.
Hispanic at the disco.

I ran into a dance club for people with back problems.
It was called the Slipped Disco.

When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me.
I was never scared though, I loved disco music.

The Italian government has cancelled the town of Ferno’s annual fiesta.
This year there’ll be no disco in ferno.

I just got back from a bulimic disco.
The place was heaving!

What do you call 500 epileptics at a disco?
A foam party!

I hosted a silent disco party in my apartment.
I got a complaint from the mime next door.

Why did the police officer arrest the disco dancer?
Because he was killing the dance floor.

We got in trouble at school for starting up a silent disco.
The principal said it wasn’t aloud.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

What do you call a mosh pit at a disco?
A Cluster Funk.

I walked into a disco, and there were Orcs, Trolls, and Nazgûl doing their best moves.
It was Mordor on the dance floor.

What's the difference between someone out in the sun all day and a large-haired disco dancer with colorful perspiration?
One sweats profusely and the other fro-sweats pucely.

My friends and I started an emo salsa band.
We call ourselves HisPanic at the Disco.

Went to a disco for the blind.
I danced like nobody was watching.

In order to be a smart ass, you must be smart. Otherwise your just an ass!

Life rule: If you feel comfortable alone, you are a powerful individual.

When the glacier was asked for an opinion on global warming, it replied 'I dunno, I've never really thawed about it.'

При строительстве европейского дома мы оказались в роли обманутых дольщиков.

Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn't a real sport.

Сначала ты откладываешь дела на вечер, а потом нахуй.

What happens when a famous super spy becomes homeless?
“The name’s bond— Vagabond.”

What's a British spy's secret fetish?
Bondage, James Bondage.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.
But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

A Chinese man, a communist and a spy walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.

Q: Why did the spy cross the road?
A: Because he was never on your side.

How did the german spy get caught?
He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.

The bartender asked him: "Dry?"

To which he replied: "Nein, zwei"

American spy goes undercover to a Russian university as a student
After one semester he is expelled. His supervisor asks him what happened.

- I don’t understand! Everyone goes to the sauna, I go to the sauna too. Everyone goes drinking, I go drinking too. Everyone gets hookers, I get hookers too. Everyone passed their exams, I didn’t.

My wife thinks I should become a spy...
She says I'm naturally good at moving in and out unnoticed.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.
We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

What is a dog’s favorite spy movie?
Mission im-paw-sible.

Your spy name is:
Your last name, followed by a brief pause and then your first and last name.

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy. She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.
They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

How did the Russian spy distract the guard?
By stallin.

The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5.
The rest are good.

My friend called me at work the other day and told me he was changing his name to Spinal Column.
I told him I’d call him Back.

Еврейский Робин Гуд тоже отбирал деньги у богатых и отдавал их бедным.
Под небольшой процент.

"Does my uniform make me look fat?"
- Insecurity guard

Идеальная жена – это та, которая говорит:
- У меня болит голова, давай её полечим сексом.

I was at my local tennis club today and a young man came up to me and said "I'm a ball boy"
I said "Are you? I'm more of a tit man myself but whatever floats your boat!"

Правда – это изобретение маньяков: колет глаза и режет уши.

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."

Y'all better enjoy your 20s, 30s, and 40s.
Because in your 50s, that check engine light is gonna come on.

Chuck Norris still gets free CDs and cassettes from Columbia House. He never subscribed.

Раньше тётя Хая, чтобы хорошо спать, всегда брала на ночь в постель любимую мягкую игрушку, сейчас - любимую твёрдую.

That's the last time i call the cocaine addiction help centre.

They told me they were busy and to try another line!

Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.

If you sneeze near an atheist do they say "science appreciates you"?

- Сёма, ты кудой?
- К Лёве, айпад прошить.
- Сёма,ты шо,порвал чужой айпад?..

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
— Napoleon Bonaparte