The Weirdest Jokes on the Internet.

I love the phrase “bear with me” because it either means “please be patient” or “the zoo heist was a success.”

I paid to many bills to be paying attention to things that don’t pay my bills.

Shower sex is so different when you are in prison.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

I told my mom I’d call her later, but she prefers I call her mom.

I have a really good Tupperware joke.

But the punchline doesn’t fit - it’s from another Tupperware joke...

My sex life is like a bank account - no deposits, just withdrawals.

Sex is like Snow. You never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.

Sometimes words just aren't enough. And that's why we have middle fingers.

My vibrator is named Michael J. Fox.

Group sex is like art, some people just don't get it, others can't get enough...

"Doctor, I keep seeing stars and spots before my eyes."
"Have you seen an optician?"
"No, just stars and spots."

My boss just told me off for wearing pyjamas to work.
"But everybody else is wearing them," I protested.
He said, "I know, but they're your patients."

Me: That hemorrhoid cream really caused a bad reaction.
Doctor: Where did you apply it?
Me: On the bus.

I called my doctors surgery this morning.

"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing."

"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"

I said, "Tomorrow, orrow, row, ow."

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.

I hate cleaning my windows…

It’s a pane in the glass.

In 2018 Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, ran an ad campaign branding itself as the "G-Spot of Europe" accompanied by the slogan "Nobody knows where it is, but when you get there - it's amazing."

What do you get when you cross a cow and a trampoline?
A milkshake that really bounces!

Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had drumsticks!

People with “Trust No one” tattoos are liars.
They have already trusted the tattoo artist.

I have a problem with my genitals.

One of my balls hangs lower than the other two.

Porn sites are the only places where it’s acceptable to separate people by their age, sexuality, race and country.

We eat chickens before they are born and after they are dead.