The Weirdest Jokes on the Internet.

Actions speak louder than words, but not as loud as handcuffs on a bedpost.

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

2 incomes is better than one, make sure your girl has two jobs.

Home is where ho and me come together.

Adam's apple always comes with a banana.

Before you ask why someone hates you, ask yourself why you give a fuck.

Movie was so scary I hid under her bra and sucked her titty.

I need a girl who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math.

I love the phrase “bear with me” because it either means “please be patient” or “the zoo heist was a success.”

I paid to many bills to be paying attention to things that don’t pay my bills.

Shower sex is so different when you are in prison.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

I told my mom I’d call her later, but she prefers I call her mom.

I have a really good Tupperware joke.

But the punchline doesn’t fit - it’s from another Tupperware joke...

My sex life is like a bank account - no deposits, just withdrawals.

Sex is like Snow. You never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.

Sometimes words just aren't enough. And that's why we have middle fingers.

My vibrator is named Michael J. Fox.

Group sex is like art, some people just don't get it, others can't get enough...

"Doctor, I keep seeing stars and spots before my eyes."
"Have you seen an optician?"
"No, just stars and spots."

My boss just told me off for wearing pyjamas to work.
"But everybody else is wearing them," I protested.
He said, "I know, but they're your patients."

Me: That hemorrhoid cream really caused a bad reaction.
Doctor: Where did you apply it?
Me: On the bus.

I called my doctors surgery this morning.

"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing."

"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"

I said, "Tomorrow, orrow, row, ow."

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.