Brilliant Absurd, ridiculous, and grotesque jokes.

Me: you're like the brother I never had

Friend: thanks man

My brother: what the hell

- “How was escapology college?”
- “Terrible. I was there for six years!”
- “Tough course?”
- “No, I couldn’t find the way out.”

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

I tell people "I'm not looking for anything serious" because I'm hunting clowns.

I used to like to sleep with the bedside lamp on.

My wife would say, “Take it off, you look ridiculous!".

Why do we kill people for killing people? To show them that killing is wrong?

I bought some batteries but they were not included, so I had to buy them again.

I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with him...he was useless...I think I need a flatter dog...

What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam.

What do you call a man with a shoe on his head?
Anything you like, guy’s got a shoe on his head.

Mary had a little lamb...
...and the nurses in the delivery room were FREAKING OUT.

Me: "You said dress for the job you want."
Boss: "Give me my clothes back."

Worried that the milk I bought this morning has come from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly the same as a bottle I bought yesterday.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To get his rubber chicken.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Just thought a thought but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?
Because it's time-consuming, and you always want seconds.

How do you know that there is an elephant hiding in your bathroom? You can’t close the shower curtain.

I brush after every meal, and my dentist says my hair looks lovely.

Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog?
Every dog I've ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.

What's black and white and travels at super sonic speed ?
Penguin in a jet fighter.

I saw a bloke fishing.
"What are you using as bait?"
He said "Licorice.
"What sort of fish do you catch with licorice?"
He said "All sorts"

Walked into a business meeting the other week, put a kebab on the desk and said "we really have to think about strategy". One of my colleagues asked "what's with the kebab?" I said "salad and a little chilli sauce".

So this bloke walks into a fishmongers carrying a salmon under his arm and says: "Do you make fishcakes?"
"Of course," says the fishmonger.
"Oh good," says the bloke, "make him one, it's his birthday".

I bought coconut shampoo this morning..
I've only just realised I don't even have a coconut.

Absurdism is just nihilism on weed.

Why did the absurdist cross the road?
Seventeen fish sticks.

Why are banknote printing machines absurd?
Because they make no cents.

Wood is so expensive. I went to the doctor with a splinter, he gave me $10 for it!

Happened upon a guy hitting himself in the head with a hammer.

"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.

"Yeah," he admitted. "But it feels so GOOD when I stop."

There are two types of people I can't stand...
Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what's going on.

"We just ate, why are you making pancakes?"
"They're for the dogs"
"Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?!"
"They don't know how to"

Just shot my first turkey.
Scared everyone in the frozen food
Section.

This bloke just came into my shop and said, "Why's your exit sign flickering on and off?"
I said, "It's on the way out."

Why should you never swim on a full stomach? Because it’s easier to swim in water!

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today.
Sprayed it all over myself, I still cant fly.

Two lions walking down an aisle in a supermarket. One says to the other, “it’s quiet in here today, isn’t it?”.

A man goes to the cinema and is surprised to see a pig sitting in the seat next to him. "What are you doing here?" he asked the pig. "Well, I enjoyed the book".

I couldn't get my fridge to work this morning, so I took the bus instead.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

A man walks into a butcher's and says,
Have you got a sheep's head?
The butcher replies,
No, it's just the way I brush my hair.

This summer I want to learn how to fish. Then I want to learn how to duck, then how to dog, and if there’s time, how to rabbit.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge......footprints in the butter.

Do you know why elephants have flat feet?
-
-
From jumping out of trees.

My wife said,
Can my mother come down for the weekend?
So I said Why? and she said, 'Well,
She's been up on the roof two weeks already.

The first rule of passive aggressive fight club is...

Actually don’t worry about it, it’s fine...

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

What's white and sits in a field?

A fridge having a picnic.

The Flat Earth Society said they have members all around the globe.

I brought a bureau the other day,
I opened it up and 14 people fell out,
It seems it was a missing persons bureau.

Why did the burglar cut off the legs of his bed? He wanted to lay low for a while.

The canoe glided across the pond exactly like a bowling ball wouldn't.

Me: Where are you babe?
Gf: I'm at the hospital.
Me: OMG, What happened?!
Gf: I'm a nurse...
Me: Oh....

Customer: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please.
Vendor: Sorry, cash only.

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

Why do ducks have flat feet? From stomping out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? From stomping out burning ducks.

They dont play cards on the ship when the captain is standing on the deck.

If you rip a hole in a net, you would have fewer holes in it.

Which is heavier, 200 kg of feathers, or 200 kg of bricks?
The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

I got lost in the forest, luckily l had a compass with me.
So l was able to draw perfectly round circles while waiting to be rescued.

I brought some batteries,
But they were not included,
So I had to buy them again.

I'm trying to scare away a crow with a gun, no idea where he got the gun from though.

As a cruise liner passed a small island a passenger pointed excitedly at the shore.
There was a ragged, bearded man running up and down waving wildly.
“Who on earth is that?” She asked the Captain.
“I have no idea,” replied the Captain, “but he enjoys our visits. He waves and screams that way every time we go past.”

The criminal was so disorganized he was banned from organized crime.

I've spent many sleepless nights trying to work out why my sister's got two brothers but I've only got one.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago and have been living in constant fear ever since.

My wife went into a clothes shop and asks the shop assistant if she can try the dress on in the window? The shop assistant replies " No madam you must use the changing room".

The rule. There are exceptions to every rule.
This is the only rule without exception.
That makes it an exception to the rule.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

This guy came up behind me, pushed a large key into my back and started turning it.
I said to him "Are you trying to wind me up?

I was walking late at night when I heard a russle in the bushes, I said:
Russel! Get out of the bushes!

I took the bus home.
You can imagine how angry the bus driver was.

"Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex".

Two things which everyone hates :
1. change
2. the way things are.

My mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"

I replied: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee.

The first rule of Passive/Aggressive Club is...you know what - never mind. It's fine...

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet..
So far I've got 12 fridges...

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.